Vile remark at meeting - what to do?

[bagpuss90]

I’m on the committee of a local group - i was at a meeting on Thursday evening and the chair made what I’d regard as a vile remark. She referred to an individual (who she was going to approach to help with something ) as having “a face like an armpit” . She actually said “you know who I mean - the one with a face like an armpit. Everyone looked quite shocked - it was about 5 mins before the meeting wound up. But I’m still cross with myself for not walking out. Im not good if I’m put on the spot. My dilemma is what do I do ? I honestly hate stuff like that- it’s vile- it’s unkind. My DP reckons she made herself look so awful that no further action is needed. I’m tempted to resign, but I think she should go, She’s known for being very outspoken but this in my opinion crossed a line . I’ve not spoken to anyone else on the committee about it. Am I over reacting?

Please don’t quit. I’m a member of a similar sounding committee and we have a member that is frequently rude to people. I have managed to get the position of chair from them BUT it’s not the type of committee where you can just oust someone. Especially someone that has all the knowledge and been on the committee longer than most of us have been alive lol. Anyway, my point is, the committee will already be massively struggling and need people to stand up and try and change the toxic culture. Ours is slowly changing with a code of conduct that has been written for us.

Spent the last ten minutes pondering whether I would rather have a face like a slapped ass or a face like an armpit.

Slapped ass suggests being miserable so I’m gonna go for an armpit.

I’m afraid that I would worry about the MH of anyone who stated things like that. It isn’t a normal expression at all.

ive never heard someone described in that way before. Might it mean the person has a sweaty looking face? (Just trying to find a bit of redemption here…..might not mean ugly…)

I wonder if she has a face like I would describe as "a Yorkshire pudding face". It's a sort of squishy looking face, but I don't mean anything "vile" by it. It's just an apt word to describe someone's features.

And it especially makes sense if you knew exactly who she meant by her description.

That’s horrible too. Why can’t people be adults and be nice?

Some people speak like that without thought. They joke and bully without knowing it’s offensive. It’s awful and sometimes committees need rules.

How would you feel if you heard someone had described your face that way?

But did you know who she meant .....

I don't understand why people think this is acceptable. I agree with OP @bagpuss90. Paid or voluntary, a leader has been incredibly rude and disparaging about someone and, even worse, someone she wants help from.

I would either ask someone you trust from that group what they thought. Or pull the leader aside the next time you see them to say you found it unprofessional/rude/unkind and it made you feel uncomfortable. She may not care, but you'll have have done your bit.

There is a saying “face like a crocodiles armpit “ for someone with dry, wrinkled skin. Would the person she was talking about meet that definition? I agree saying it in a work or formal type meeting seems a bit off.

If I don't like something that's said at a public meeting....I either say something immediately, or if the opportunity goes (which is very often.... Hindsight, armed with a perfect response, is a lovely thing), I'd take an opportunity to tell the person diplomatically how the comment came across. Usually, asking how she'd feel if someone made such a comment about her in a meeting works....

I find saying 'that's a bit harsh' pulls someone up for rudeness without being confrontational.
At your next meeting when you get to 'any other business', ask that a kindness policy be introduced when referring to people, or ask your committee secretary to put it on the agenda.

It was a nasty comment op as the shocked silence testifies, it just depends if you've all got the balls to call her out on it.

Don’t quit. Everyone looked shocked, she’s made a show of herself. I bet she thought about that as a mistake later.

It's always been unkind/rude to make negative comments about someone's appearance. What's new is that even positive comments are now also considered rude.
On the other hand, I don't consider saying that someone is ugly, when they are not present, it the worst thing ever. It's something the person can't help and is therefore less of an insult than something like 'they're behaving so stubbornly'. It can still be very upsetting, of course, if the person in question hears about it.

Hmm, I thought the face like a slapped arse meant - red face. You know when someone slows you, you go a bit red!!!
I just had a look at my armpit, it’s a regular/non offensive body part. Perhaps she meant smooth???(as in hairless)

Lol, reminds me of what my dear ole mum used to say(rest her soul) whenever someone looked angry, she used to say "they've got a face like a smacked ar*e.". don't think it's even worth mentioning, least of all have her thrown off the committee. I'd prob laugh if I knew someone had said that about me. And I'm quite sensitive.

She got the saying wrong anyway. She should have said ‘she’s got a face like a slapped arse ‘ 😂.

Honestly think that's quite funny.... I only think something is vile if it's deeply offensive/hateful. Sounds to me like she just is a bit insensitive/says what she thinks. If she'd said something that breached the equality act, or sounded like she was going to cause harm to someone, or even said something really particularly pointed (if she'd said something about a specific body part, or characteristic) it'd be worse. Face like an armpit just conjures up a bit wrinkly to be honest.... doesn't sound very vile or hate filled. Maybe I'm not getting what she means

I’d pull her up on it and say it wasn’t a nice thing to say and very disrespectful.
how would she like it if someone said that about her. Meeting should be professional. Disgusting thing to say about anyone

I'd challenge it and say you found it inappropriate which it was.

I also wouldn’t resign as it just punishes yourself (unless you wanted to anyway). It is hard to think how to react in the situation. I guess the best would be if no-one reacted to vile comments and she could detect the tumbleweed in the room. Then she could feel shame.

Just ignore. But if it happens again, you could address it straightaway - hopefully others would side with you. It’s one thing to joke between a couple or close friends, but it’s another to publicly say horrible things.

Not nice, but yes, you are over-reacting … maybe speak to her when you next see her and say you don’t think comments like that are appropriate.

Greetings Original Commenter 💚
I'd be stumped too & most likely for peace's sake sit through the rest of the meeting 🫂
Please don't be hard on yourself - (even in the bible there's something along the lines of bringing problems on a 1 to 1 basis directly to the individual you have the issue with 🫂
It's much more professional too, to discuss matters on a 1-2-1 basis rather than in front of others which can cause embarrassment shame etc
Yes I'd most likely, personally, therefore try to find an opportunity to bring this to the woman directly, maybe request to meet her at a mutually convenient time for you both?
Wishing you all the utmost very best with this & God bless You&Your Family💚

Completely concur with you 💚