Hand on shoulder

[ThankThink]

Teen Dd takes part in a weekly activity outside of school, which is attended by a wider age range. One of the men attending, has the habit of placing his hand on the young girls shoulder when he speaks with them. So he approaches a girl and while speaking to her places one hand on her shoulder. He does this mostly with 2-3 girls not all of them. The girls are all 15.

AIBU to think this is not ok?

The girls don't like it but no one has yet said anything. I have told her to move away when it happens again but Dd worries about being impolite. I role played with her how to move away. I am so cross about this, not even my extended family would think of touching her casually for no reason.

What would you advise and how do I advise dd?

I’m only a couple of years younger than this man and there’s no way he doesn’t know that touching young people anywhere is unacceptable. Unless he’s a time traveler from the 1980s.

yes it would be good for your DD to learn to be assertive about her personal space, but the fact that she’s told you is an excellent first step. I didn’t tell my parents when my music teacher was creepy, I just said I wanted to stop lessons. Now your DD has told you you must act yourself. You’ve had lots of good advice on this thread, but you can’t just leave it to your DD, you are the adult and you need to model the assertive behaviour yourself.

Not sure if this has already been covered, but if she were to turn as she moved so that her back was more towards him as his hand moved off her shoulder that would stop his hand going to her breast. I think that’s what pp meant that just stepping straight back wouldn’t achieve the same thing.

Slightly hunching the shoulder up as she turns too.

Possibly because you are pussyfooting around this man and letting your daughter be manhandled by him.

What kind of activity is this? Who runs it? What are there safeguarding policies for the young people involved? Who leads on safeguarding?

Get in touch with them and get this man to stop his behaviour. It shouldn't be on your 15 year old to sort it out. Be a parent! Protect her!

I agree, I am a qualified fitness instructor, here are some guidelines on how to behave with youngsters in sport, it should certainly not include casual touching.

"Physical contact during sport should always be intended to meet the child's needs, NOT the adult's. The adult should only use physical contact if their aim is to:
• Develop sports skills or techniques
• To treat an injury
• To prevent an injury or accident from occurring
• To meet the requirements of the sport
The adult should seek to explain the nature and reason for the physical contact to the child reinforcing the
teaching or coaching skill. Unless the situation is an emergency, the adult should ask the child for
permission."

Even more assertive - move out of his way or block his hand as it comes towards her!

Maybe you need to start attending. Definitely agree you have to do something.

The would never do it to a man.

To me this would not be something to mull over. I’d go there and speak to the man. Not angrily, but forthrightly. No drama. It just needs to be said.

From a different viewpoint...I'm quite touchy when talking. I don't even realise I'm doing it sometimes.
I also work with children (age range 8-12). I often will place a hand on a child if they are upset or angry to help calm the situation...always on a shoulder or top of the back only.
I can assure everyone that my intentions are purely caring and to calm.
I obviously can't comment on this person's intentions but it may not necessarily be ill intended...or it may be.
Always best to be aware and to say something is you're not comfortable with the contact. (I never hug a child but if I do i ask if it's OK with them first), maybe he's unaware they don't like it.

Practically, no. Morally, yes.

Men need to learn they cannot manhandle women or children for whatever reason.

But of course it's different if he's a sleazy perve trying to groom her or an outdated enthusiast trying to teach her how to canoe better, or whatever.

It is absolutely a full on red flag for inappropriate behaviour. If he doesn't do it to everyone then it doesn't even come close to being needed (spotting during gymnastics for.eg). He is absolutely singling out some girls. For uneeded unwanted.physical.contact. desensitising or grooming, to use the obvious reason.

Yeah, well, don't do that.

There's nothing impolite about asserting your personal space and boundaries.

A simple ... 'please don't put your hands on me without my permission. I don't like it' ... is not unreasonable.

And if a man has a problem with that then he's the one with the issue. Frankly no one should even be in the position of needing to reinforce that boundary. It's 2026 ffs. 🙄

Yep….we had “ Feely Philips “ 😖

No contact is very normal in mainstream secondary settings for a reason. There's no need to make physical contact to communicate. Even my ND students where touch might be a clue in that was used in primary setting, we just take a bit longer using their name and a response signal (getting them to copy like a thumbs up).

Can she shrug her shoulder to shake him off, while saying "please don't do that?"

I remember being really conscious of my bra strap at that age when people put their hand on my shoulder, as well as the trapped feeling.

Or the girls go to the leader together and collectively say "we don't like it when X...please can you talk to him because it's not ok and it's making us not want to come anymore."

I think the daughter should be told to shriek loudly "Get off me!" and jump away. But I'm 55 now and simply being alive this long has furnished me with lots of experience of not wanting to cause offence when I was young, to knowing now that causing someone else offence is better than me being forced to accept physical contact I don't want, from some entitled twat who can't be arsed to think about how their behaviour is affecting the other person.
At 55, I am well aware that I should not touch other people, especially someone else's child 😱, so this man who is not much older than me should have the same awareness IMO.

You need to pay more attention so you do realise when you are doing it and can stop doing it. It's not ok. I'm suprised your colleagues or your manager haven't pulled you up on it already.
"I didn't realise I was doing it" is a terrible excuse, especially given you know you do it. How often are you touching people that you no longer even register you are doing it? Get it in check, including to protect yourself from complaints.

I also don't understand why over a quarter of voters think you are being unreasonable

What is the activity?

Both gymnastics and swimming for example have form for older male coaches abusing or otherwise acing inappropriately with younger girls (and, less frequently, boys). There have also been examples of boys being abused by football coaches.

I'd speak to whoever is organising this group about this older man's behaviour and I'd also be considering contacting the local safeguarding lead of the relevant national body

I think atm youre potentially being unfair to him. Its their shoulder and no one, not the girls, not their parents, not their hobby lead has asked him to stop. He may not have thought about it.

Theres info here were lacking - is he a spectator, coach, fellow parent? Has he known these girls for long? Does he do it to boys too?

I think, its totally polite to say please dont touch me. I think just moving away isnt enough. If DD doesnt want to do it cant you approach him and say just so you know DD feels a bit awkward being touched by an older man? Or cant the parents get the coach to have a word?

I would be telling my DD that its ok to use her voice when shes uncomfy. His comfort doesnt trump hers. She doesnt need techniques to minimise this, she needs someone to tell him no

I think you are being unreasonable expecting a 15 year old to be able to speak up to an older adult in this situation, just by your coaching her with role play, when you yourself seem reluctant to speak up, as an adult, to the adult doing the inappropriate touching and/or the adults(s) leading this group.

I second telling your daughter to physically remove his hand. It's actually easier and much more effective than saying something. He can hardly object and say 'hey I want to leave my hand there'. Whereas speaking up is hard for your dd and easy for him to ignore.

I think I would have no difficulty in telling some old man - old enough to know better - to stop touching teenage girls. I would be utterly blunt. I wouldn't be waiting for him to do it again and I would be telling him he was acting like a dirty old man. My husband is in his sixties and he wouldn't dream of touching a young female in those circumstances. I wouldn't worry about being impolite because this man has crossed the polite boundary in a very obvious way. I assume that he doesn't do this to middle-aged women or women who are his contemporaries.

Even if it's completely innocent (not saying it is) there's no excuse, in this day and age, for anyone who works or volunteers with children, to not be aware that it is completely inappropriate. Regardless of their age. I'm about the same age as Mr Touchy-Feely, and I'd have known 40 years ago that you just don't do that.

That's a really good point.

Ex volunteer leader here.

This group must have a DSL. Go straight to them. Today if possible. You might stop something and someone might be grateful for that help.

No volunteer adult in 2026 should have any physical contact with anyone. Child or adult unless there is very exceptional circumstances. The training we got on this was constant and very clear.