To tell son it’s too much and affecting his dad’s self esteem.

[myfairladies]

We have a lovely lad who is 25 he moved out about three years ago and lives in the same town and we see him regularly which is lovely but the thing is he is very judgmental and this is making us uncomfortable.

He will unexpectedly call round early on a weekend and ask why we’re still in bed. This will be about 8:30-9 when he’s been up and been for a run already.
He will moan about what’s in the fridge and tell his dad he needs to lose weight and stop eating this and that, not just once but every time he turns up and we happen to be eating something he doesn’t approve of.

I’d like to add he wasn’t like this when he lived at home.

He makes sarcastic comments about Dh driving when he himself although holds a license chooses to cycle every where instead.
While I appreciate his lifestyle is his choice, I don’t think he should judge or preach to his dad about it, yes Dh is overweight and does like to sit and watch telly but at 55 there’s no way on earth he is suddenly going to buy a bike, sell the tv and spend his evenings jogging and eating whatever he recommends.
While he means well he is offending his dad and I can see this affecting their relationship.
Dh likes his lay in at the weekend as do I and as we no longer have children at home I agree we are entitled to sleep in but if he turns up and we’re not up yet it’s another chance to criticise.
I had a chat with him and said dad isn’t going to change so just accept him as he is but he isn’t going to back down and is determined to keep on at him, I can see it’s driving a wedge.
I can see the eye roll when ds arrives and ds told me he doesn’t feel like he has anything in common with his dad anymore because he tried to help him but he won’t listen which is true, he doesn’t want to listen as he doesn’t want to be changed or have his lifestyle choices criticised, just wish he would drop it because I can see his dad pulling away because he feels constantly scrutinised.

Tell him if he turns up early, you will no longer be answering the door to him. 11am or whatever earliest.

if he goes on about food “DS go home if you’re just going to moan, we don’t want to hear it.”

Good grief, lock your door! When my kids have left there’s no way on earth I’d allow them to get me up earlier than I wanted to be. They’ve done enough of that since they were babies

Maybe your DS is worried for his dad and wants him to be healthier to be around longer.

Maybe he’s just a judgemental know it all.

I would stop the early morning visits with no warning. He has to check in with you the day before to make plans. He won’t want you doing that to him if he gets a partner and is lazing in bed one morning!

Is your DH not open at all to being a bit healthier if it is coming from a place of concern?. Maybe going for a walk once a week with your DS or playing a bit of sport? Padel or tennis?

Sounds like your DS hasn’t got enough to occupy him if he’s that up in your business too! Tell him to get a different hobby and hang out with other young people 🤣

Can't your DH tell him to drop it?

I don't think you need to manage their relationship, theyre both grown ups. Let them sort it.

He really doesn't sound at all "lovely" - tell him to mind his own business and you will mind yours.

At 25, he is trying to show his care by parenting you. Except of course he is not a parent. He's barely an adult, really.

Put some boundaries in place, be firm. He probably means well and isn't aware of how his comments are making you both feel.

He's not a 'lovely lad' he's a disrespectful, judgemental twat.

Tell him he's not welcome to just 'drop in' & needs to arrange a time in advance.

That when he's raised his kids & is in his 50's then he can start offering 'advice' on sleep schedules & diets.

tell him that the reason they have nothing in common is due to his patronising attitude.

I think this is a balanced approach.
unless there’s a big backstory where their relationship has been fractured in childhood and has always been a bit difficult, then it’s likely from a place of concern.
My sister can be like this,(for other issues) and it can wind my parents up but there are boundaries and they are grown adults. It is give and take.
If DH truly has a weight problem then maybe he can bond with DS over some light exercise ? DS will be appeased and they get to share sometime together

It sounds as though he is on a health regime, and that can unfortunately turn people into judgemental bores, even though it may come from a place of concern. I think you have to make it clear to him that he is one step away from having no relationship with his dad. Oh, and don’t answer the door early in the morning.

I suspect he has a key & lets himself in.

Why are you taking this on? Why do women always think they need to fix everything (then complain about the thought load)

If my child made comments to me i would address them his other parent is perfectly capable of doing the same

I would tell him to pull his head in and stop acting like a stroppy teenager

Indeed. I'm not sure what lovely qualities he has but he sounds insufferable and I would be telling him he's no longer invited to my home if all he's going to do is insult you both.

It doesn't justify it, as it is obviously not effective, but is your DHs health generally ok? Like I say, it doesn't excuse it, but if your DH is struggling with ill health related to weight/fitness i can imagine this is your son expressing his worry in an unhelpful way. Or is he just a judgemental person who can't appreciate that different people want different things in life?

I don't ask to excuse his behaviour, but getting him to stop will probably look different depending on what his motivation is. If he's genuinely worried, it's probably more about explaining his approach is ineffective, and actually making his dad dig his heels in more. If he's just a judgemental person, it's more telling him to piss off in no uncertain terms!

Your son is an obnoxious 25 year old but it sounds like he’s genuinely concerned if every time he visits, he sees his dad eating himself into an early grave and taking no responsibility for his health. If he sits on his arse eating crap all the time, it must be frustrating for your son to see him like that.

I think your son needs to stop visiting as often. It’s not helping the situation and it’s only going to ruin his relationship with his dad.

You both need to put a stop to this. It’s very intrusive and very inappropriate. Tell him your rules, whatever you feel comfortable with. Perhaps visits by prior arrangements only and always at a time that suits you. Secondly, he quits poking about in your fridge and thirdly, he keeps his opinions to himself. Grow a pair and sort this out.

He really does not sound like a lovely lady. He sounds like an insufferable wee know it all. Stop answering the door to him in the mornings if youre lying in or take his key away and if he starts on your husband tell him to go.

He's rightly worried about his dad's health.
Tell him not to come over invited early of a weekend. That's rude if you may still be in bed. Hopefully he doesn't just let himself in?!

Your son is being very rude to you and his father. This needs to stop and stop now.
Have him over and tell him that now he is an adult he needs to understand that that means he needs to keep his views to himself. You don't criticise his choices and he doesn't get to criticise yours. He also needs to understand that as adults you can stay in bed as long as you want.
If necessary get angry.
My children would not get away with this because I would be extremely clear with them that it is not on. You need to do the same.

Your son sounds awful, his poor dad.

He does, he can’t be heard though, ds will turn it into a battle of who’s point is correct so Dh just quietly seethes and vents to me later.

Why is he turning up early and perusing your fridge?

Tell him to go away and leave your fridge alone. He’s being insufferably rude and you are being weirdly passive.

I disagree with most of these posts, apart from the getting up early.
your son obviously wants his Dad to be healthier and he’s only 55, so has no excuse for not looking after himself and eating good food.

You need to really start to advocate for your husband in these situations and stand up for him.

He means well = no, you're enabling him to say hurtful things unchallenged.

He needs to be told that what he is saying is hurtful and although he may have strong feelings about it HE CANT control what your dad does and he cant keep being hurtful towards him. He needs to stop, change his approach or risk his relationship.

He stops coming so early, he stops giving his unsolicited opinion all the time. Its not his house or life.

The point is though, it’s not the son’s place to wade in with his opinions. And secondly the son isn’t actually helping matters.

They need to tell the son to STFU.