To tell son it’s too much and affecting his dad’s self esteem.

[myfairladies]

We have a lovely lad who is 25 he moved out about three years ago and lives in the same town and we see him regularly which is lovely but the thing is he is very judgmental and this is making us uncomfortable.

He will unexpectedly call round early on a weekend and ask why we’re still in bed. This will be about 8:30-9 when he’s been up and been for a run already.
He will moan about what’s in the fridge and tell his dad he needs to lose weight and stop eating this and that, not just once but every time he turns up and we happen to be eating something he doesn’t approve of.

I’d like to add he wasn’t like this when he lived at home.

He makes sarcastic comments about Dh driving when he himself although holds a license chooses to cycle every where instead.
While I appreciate his lifestyle is his choice, I don’t think he should judge or preach to his dad about it, yes Dh is overweight and does like to sit and watch telly but at 55 there’s no way on earth he is suddenly going to buy a bike, sell the tv and spend his evenings jogging and eating whatever he recommends.
While he means well he is offending his dad and I can see this affecting their relationship.
Dh likes his lay in at the weekend as do I and as we no longer have children at home I agree we are entitled to sleep in but if he turns up and we’re not up yet it’s another chance to criticise.
I had a chat with him and said dad isn’t going to change so just accept him as he is but he isn’t going to back down and is determined to keep on at him, I can see it’s driving a wedge.
I can see the eye roll when ds arrives and ds told me he doesn’t feel like he has anything in common with his dad anymore because he tried to help him but he won’t listen which is true, he doesn’t want to listen as he doesn’t want to be changed or have his lifestyle choices criticised, just wish he would drop it because I can see his dad pulling away because he feels constantly scrutinised.

I wouldn’t get involved. Just leave him and DH to resolve their differences.

But it's none of his business - full stop. It's phenomenally arrogant to keep harassing people who are twice, thrice or more times your age with incessant unwanted advice as though they were little children and you were their parent.

For what it's worth, I find that a lot of people who are massively into sports, gym and fitness obsess about it to the detriment of any kind of academic, cultural or educational pursuits. Just as I wouldn't dream of ordering them to start taking an interest in current affairs, reading serious (or any) books, learning an instrument or anything else like that, they can get stuffed if they try to order me to the gym or to start macro eating etc. Bluntly, it's their choice to focus on their body; just the same as it's my choice to prioritise my mental edification.

You and I could both be making healthier choices now by going out to the gym instead of being on MN - but we're grown adults and we've made our own choices for ourselves. It's deeply disturbing for an adult to be trying to run another adult's life for them (assuming they have agency and aren't vulnerable or even, you know, asking for help).

Imagine having lived for 80 years and suddenly discovering that it's nothing short of a miracle you managed to stay alive for the first 73 years of your life, before the only person who could possibly be wise enough to run your life for you could be born and come of age!!!

God what an abominably rude boor he is. Feeling like he's succeeding at adulting at the grand old age of 25 doesn't give him the right to be a dick to either of you - or his poor grandmother - and I'd be telling him this very bluntly.

Funny as it is, I don't actually think that all the suggestions of telling him that you're having wild and energetic sex would actually achieve the desired effect.

From what OP has told us about him, I'm guessing he would quite possibly be very jealous and double down even more with his 'advice' as to how they 'should' be following alternative fitness pursuits, rather than the one that he currently couldn't do himself even if he wanted to!

The boorish son here reminds me of the foolishly self-confident little child in the old joke:

Teacher: "What are you drawing, Katie?'
Katie: "I'm drawing a picture of God!"
Teacher: "But nobody knows what God looks like!?!"
Katie: "Ah, don't worry, they will once I've finished my drawing, Miss!"

You need to ask your son what’s more important, being right or being kind to the people he loves?

If there’s a load of “yeah buts” in the response remind him that he hasn’t newly discovered the secrets of life, diet and exercise have been widely known about for decades. He’s not going to be able to evangelise his dad into something that has never interested him before, and it’s incredibly rude to push to this degree.

Change the locks and tell DS that early morning at the weekend is not convenient for him to visit and like others have said, imply (or say openly depending on relationship you have) that you guys don’t just stay in bed to sleep. Embarrass him a little.

He sounds autistic such is his lack of not taking the hint?? Has he fallen into the manosphere where some influencer or other has convinced him that being a bike wanker and obsessed with diet is the ONLY way to live life?

You need to ask your son what’s more important, being right or being kind to the people he loves?

He's not even 'being right', though. He just has his own preferences and priorities for his life (absolutely fine), but then automatically expects everybody else to agree and share them.

No credible doctor or health 'guru' would ever tell you that it's categorically 'wrong' for a middle-aged adult to ever watch TV or to sometimes have a lie-in at the weekend.

Just like nobody can tell you that you're 'wrong' to read Jane Austen when the 'right' thing to read is Charlotte Bronte; or that one town is the 'wrong' one to live in, whereas another is 'right'.

It's just pure controlling arrogance on the son's part. As long as you aren't breaking any laws or hurting anybody, it isn't up to a anybody else to tell you the 'right' or 'wrong' way to choose to live your own life.

Son needs to experience a bit more life and have a few setbacks. This will hopefully teach him some empathy and he’ll realize to appreciate the dad he has and not some idealistic version.

Seems like a lot of very fat men are responding to this@

Or not, and you might want to think about your words and why you are "onmytod"

Two good points.

Absolutely tell him it’s too much. Stop
jim being able to walk in. Why don’t you stick up for your husband if you know he’s upset by this?

Your husband is being upset by suggestions that will extend his life. His current position is going to finish his life much sooner. Perhaps the son just wants a dad to last a bit longer.

But the son is being told time and time again to leave it. He can go on wailing “But I’m trying to hellllpppp!!”, but eventually he’ll have to admit his dad doesn’t want his help.