To tell son it’s too much and affecting his dad’s self esteem.

[myfairladies]

We have a lovely lad who is 25 he moved out about three years ago and lives in the same town and we see him regularly which is lovely but the thing is he is very judgmental and this is making us uncomfortable.

He will unexpectedly call round early on a weekend and ask why we’re still in bed. This will be about 8:30-9 when he’s been up and been for a run already.
He will moan about what’s in the fridge and tell his dad he needs to lose weight and stop eating this and that, not just once but every time he turns up and we happen to be eating something he doesn’t approve of.

I’d like to add he wasn’t like this when he lived at home.

He makes sarcastic comments about Dh driving when he himself although holds a license chooses to cycle every where instead.
While I appreciate his lifestyle is his choice, I don’t think he should judge or preach to his dad about it, yes Dh is overweight and does like to sit and watch telly but at 55 there’s no way on earth he is suddenly going to buy a bike, sell the tv and spend his evenings jogging and eating whatever he recommends.
While he means well he is offending his dad and I can see this affecting their relationship.
Dh likes his lay in at the weekend as do I and as we no longer have children at home I agree we are entitled to sleep in but if he turns up and we’re not up yet it’s another chance to criticise.
I had a chat with him and said dad isn’t going to change so just accept him as he is but he isn’t going to back down and is determined to keep on at him, I can see it’s driving a wedge.
I can see the eye roll when ds arrives and ds told me he doesn’t feel like he has anything in common with his dad anymore because he tried to help him but he won’t listen which is true, he doesn’t want to listen as he doesn’t want to be changed or have his lifestyle choices criticised, just wish he would drop it because I can see his dad pulling away because he feels constantly scrutinised.

I always had a key to my parents’ house because I could be trusted with it (and because I used to cat sit). Assuming he is letting himself in, take the key or change the lock.

You both need to stand up to him. Whatever his intentions, he is being controlling. You hopefully wouldn’t accept that from a partner (and actually it does open the question to whether he is like that with any partners he may have).

The next time he pipes up, tell him that you don’t want to know and that he has no right to speak to you like that. He sounds quite bullish so when he tries to turn it into an argument, tell him to shut up (I know that’s not a popular phrase but it’s effective). If needs be, just ignore him like you would a small child.

Your poor mum. Is she able to refuse to take his calls?

Someone like that is likely to be like that in all aspects of life. I have worked with that kind of person (funnily enough he didn’t last long at the job). But you don’t have to listen to his shit. Shut him down every time. The more you tell him about how his dad is affected the more power you are giving him.

And if he won’t shut up, tell him to leave. (You might want to change the locks before this of course)

The problem, though, with people who are “Just trying to help” is that they’re often tone deaf; they don’t pick up on clear hints that their advice is unwanted, or are so convinced they are right that they become frustrated and push harder. This is what the son is doing here, and he’s inadvertently pushing his parents away.

An old school friend of mine did this on Facebook. He’d lost a lot of weight, which was a great achievement, and rightly got praise for it. But he became so proud of himself that he felt the need to constantly evangelise. Several posts a day about why on earth wouldn’t people follow macros, eat clean, go to the gym daily: didn’t they want to be healthy and see their kids grow up?! He understood, he’d been there, he could help people if they’d just listen…

Closer friends than me had obviously called him out on it, as his posts became more and more frustrated in tone. Why was nobody listening? Of course, this actually made people disengage with him even more. As one of my other friends put it, “When you’re posting on Facebook about macros and clean eating on Christmas Day instead of spending it with the kids you were desperate to see grow up, you have a problem”.

A lovely lad? I don't think so.

No, she isn’t. Her husband doesn’t need OP to make excuses for him, as he doesn’t need any excuse at all. He isn’t answerable to his son.

He’s a grown man that has every right to make his own choices, good or bad. His son doesn’t have to like them, but unless he wants to further alienate his parents, he should respect his father’s right to make those choices for himself.

I would take the key off of him and tell him he needs to text to see if it's convenient for him to visit first and never before 11am on the weekend. My adult kids have keys but they would never be so rude as to turn up without checking first.
With his constant lecturing I would always reply the same "You chose to visit if what you see offends then please feel free to leave. If you don't feel able to visit without lecturing then I suggest that you cut down on the number of visits until you have something more interesting to say as it is ruining the relationships between us and that is the last thing either I or your Dad would want"

This ^
If you hear him come in whilst you're still in bed make sex noises and jump.up and down on the bed for extra affect. He'll soon get the message lol.
"Sorry son we're making the most of our freedom, you're lucky as yesterday dad had me over the kitchen table so at least you didn't walk in on that lol.. David, you did clean the table before coming to bed didnt you? No, sorry luke I'd make sure you don't put your sandwich on the table if I were you. Dad needs the extra food hes eating to keep his energy up for me, any questions?" hee hee.

You could actually have a lot of fun with this OP

Is he neurodiverse? My autistic granddaughter is a bit given to this sort of thing.

I would keep reminding him about people who have written all these self help books have sometimes died young as well like Michael Moseley and Jim Fixx.
and I am sure some have died of boredom " or I certainly will if I listen to another one of your silly lectures.
Don't let him get away with it , I wouldn't worry about upsetting him by the sound of it, he has a very thick skin. If you don't want him coming around when you are in bed leave the key in the back of the door, or make some " suspicious noises " when you hear him downstairs. Lots of "more more that is so good" while banging the headboard.

Christ, he sounds like an insufferable prick.

Tell him to shut the fuck up or leave your home.

What he chooses to do with his life is up to him, but he doesn’t get to dictate to others or try and force his beliefs on other people.

And put a latch on your side gate and a latch on your inner front door, so that he can’t just let himself in anymore.

Take the key and tell him he needs to message next time

then next time let him find you in the garden dressed like the 118 men (I think - do you know what I mean?) doing star jumps. Or throwing a ball to each other saying ‘to me, to you’. And then bore him to tears about the mr motivator routine you’re both following twice a day and offer him a bowl of celery

OP I genuinely can’t believe you can’t just talk to him and make him see what he’s doing and how it makes everyone feel. He’s a grown man, you’re a grown woman. 🤷‍♀️

Sounds like he's gone down some kind of rabbit hole, influenced by these motivational speakers and self help books. And god knows what on the internet. I know young people are more into the gym and don't drink much but this sounds worryingly obsessive. Talking to his dad like that will have the opposite effect. Nobody ever gave up fags, chips or alcohol because they were nagged to death about it. And lecturing his 80 year old grandmother on lifestyle choices is beyond a bloody joke. I'd keep an eye on him if I was you. But in the meantime you need to politely tell him to put a sock in it.

YADNBU at all. Just tell him kindness matters too and his Dad is hurt by his behaviour. Also agree that you should decide when he's allowed to visit, e.g. 11am at the earliest!

I'd start being very blunt in your responses tbh. Doesn't sound like tiptoeing around him is working and he sounds insufferable.

If someone came into my house lecturing me about having a glass of wine they'd get one warning to drop it and change the subject and if not they'd be kicked out. Start just ending the conversation and not listening to the lecture.

Tell him to go away if he appears early in the morning uninvited as well. No excuse for that outside emergencies!

Your DS is probably an Andrew Tate's fan.

How basic.

Not sure what you mean by that? 😵‍💫

I haven't read the whole thing, but I'd be telling my son that he can live his life his way, and he can do his Dad the courtesy of respecting his EQUAL right to live his life his way.

And being an obnoxious self righteous bore never convinced anyone to change their lifestyle.

A young man being utterly insufferable and thinking he knows better than everyone else?? Surely not!!

Sounds like he’s massively insecure and being obnoxious to cover it up - like sooooo many men do

He sounds like an insufferable twat, sorry.

You start by saying he's a lovely lad...I disagree. 🤣
Shame him into backing off. When he calls early on the weekend..stay in bed and get under the sheets and...give the impression you're having sex..
That'll sort him.

He isn't going about things the right way, but exactly how overweight is your husband and are the food choices really bad? Is your son trying to stage an intervention for someone who is morbidly obese and looking like he is going to have a heart attack or a stroke any minute due to his poor lifestyle.

55 is not that old and certainly not too old to do proper exercise! I am 50 and go to the gym 4 times a week (including doing weights), walk for at least 90 minutes a day and spend weeks of the year doing coastal walks and climbing hills and mountains. It's entirely possible to be in your 50s and be fit. If your son is in a running club it's probably full of people the same as as you and your husband, so he is seeing how fit it's possible to be at our age. I am sure he means well, but his pitch probably needs work!

Busting in when you are having a lay in isn't on though. Just put some boundaries in place.

Being concerned is one thing but once it’s is said that’s it. He doesn’t get to judge. Criticising does not help anyone, if he is like this now is he like this in other relationships?
font let him away with it. He can live his life as he sees fit but enough with the sniping comments that I’m sure are tiring.
He is young enough to be relentless about things but not yet adult enough to show tact to his nearest and dearest.

I take it you don’t want to fall out with your son so I wouldn’t do anything like take his key away or tell him not to visit early. I would sit down on my own with him and tell him that you’re proud of him and his lifestyle is great but that he’s turning into a nag with other people. I would tell him that you can’t control what other people choose to do and while he might be worried about his Dad his Dad is a separate person from him and can do what he wants. His Gran is nearly 80 and while she’s interested in everything he does and is proud of him she doesn’t want to listen to long lectures about fitness. Then every time he starts a lecture I would remind him that he’s nagging again and pack it in. Try to use humour. Take a bit of interest in what he’s doing but point out when he’s telling people what to do. Tell him you like a lie in these days and enjoy watching TV so button it.