To tell son it’s too much and affecting his dad’s self esteem.

[myfairladies]

We have a lovely lad who is 25 he moved out about three years ago and lives in the same town and we see him regularly which is lovely but the thing is he is very judgmental and this is making us uncomfortable.

He will unexpectedly call round early on a weekend and ask why we’re still in bed. This will be about 8:30-9 when he’s been up and been for a run already.
He will moan about what’s in the fridge and tell his dad he needs to lose weight and stop eating this and that, not just once but every time he turns up and we happen to be eating something he doesn’t approve of.

I’d like to add he wasn’t like this when he lived at home.

He makes sarcastic comments about Dh driving when he himself although holds a license chooses to cycle every where instead.
While I appreciate his lifestyle is his choice, I don’t think he should judge or preach to his dad about it, yes Dh is overweight and does like to sit and watch telly but at 55 there’s no way on earth he is suddenly going to buy a bike, sell the tv and spend his evenings jogging and eating whatever he recommends.
While he means well he is offending his dad and I can see this affecting their relationship.
Dh likes his lay in at the weekend as do I and as we no longer have children at home I agree we are entitled to sleep in but if he turns up and we’re not up yet it’s another chance to criticise.
I had a chat with him and said dad isn’t going to change so just accept him as he is but he isn’t going to back down and is determined to keep on at him, I can see it’s driving a wedge.
I can see the eye roll when ds arrives and ds told me he doesn’t feel like he has anything in common with his dad anymore because he tried to help him but he won’t listen which is true, he doesn’t want to listen as he doesn’t want to be changed or have his lifestyle choices criticised, just wish he would drop it because I can see his dad pulling away because he feels constantly scrutinised.

Tell him if you want his opinion you’ll ask!! Bolt the door. Tell him to ring first before to see if you are available.

Remind him you are both adults and can do whatever you want. He doesn’t have to like it but you don’t care.

Or, turn up at his house at midnight. Ask why he’s in bed so early. Complain about his decor, his boring food in the fridge. His awful clothes. See how he likes it.

It's nothing to do with whether or not the son cares about his dad's health or who is right. It needs to be pointed out to him that all he is doing is damaging his relationship with his dad and that his dad dreads him coming. His dad is a grown adult and can do what he likes. If the son doesn't accept that and can't be around him without criticising then he won't be welcome. If he tries arguing about why he's doing it, cut him off with "I'm sorry, but you're not listening. We don't care to argue about this. If you don't like your dad, don't come".

My brother in law is exactly like this, I can’t stand him.

No one can make your husband want to lose weight, eat healthier or exercise...he has to want to do this for himself. Your son is wasting his breath, and is doing nothing other than antagonising his Dad. He's made his point, it's time to back off.

I suspect your son is concerned that his Dad isn't going to live a long life, if he doesn't start to sort his diet out and exercise. As we reach our 50's time starts to catch up with our bodies, and it becomes extremely important to eat healthy and exercise (light weights are excellent). However, your son can't force his Dad to do this!

I think it's time to set some boundaries. If your son wants to visit, then he asks the day before and an acceptable time to agreed. Yes, the house is your son's family home, but it's not where he lives any longer, so rooting through the fridge/cupboards is not something he should be doing. How would he feel if you decided to visit him unannounced at 11 pm and start rooting through his fridge, whilst criticising his choice of food and asking him why he's going to bed?! If he opens his mouth to criticise, then you say 'Stop. You don't get to come into our home, and treat us like naughty children. If you carry on, you will be asked to leave'.

Take the bloody key off him, he’s left home. He’s being rude and offensive if your dh doesn’t want to make any changes that’s on him only a person who’s ready for change will take steps. If he’s so concerned about his dads longevity perhaps tell him to be nice just incase he suddenly drops dead from a lifestyle your son has deemed unhealthy.

No one ever changes through being berated if anything it makes them double down, your lovely son isn’t that lovely and is showing his lack of maturity by harping on.

I can only second this. Maybe the son is worried for his dad’s health and wants him to be around for a long time, which is quite nice really. Admittedly he isn’t going about it in the best way, but it might come from a good place.

To add, imagine what sort of a partner he’s going to be.

You have an unusual definition of "lovely"...

Literally all of this.

Stop indulging him and his extremely bad manners.

Had DH told him to "Get out"?

Take his key off him and tell him he can have it backs when he behaves himself. I'm not one for banging on about respect but he does need to respect you in your own home. He sounds like a dickhead.

Well take the key off him then. This isn't hard op! Tell him loud and clear that he is abusing the key and you are taking it off him.

And while I agree with others about letting your DH fight his own battles, if it gets to an actual argument, this is when you step in and say "actually, Fred, it isn't about being correct, it's about having respect for other people, and you're being very rude".

Before telling your son to shut up and mind his business etc try having a non confrontation chat first. Sounds your son maybe has health fears, which can sometimes be a mask to avoid thinking about other fears. He may also be worried about loosing his Dad. I think it maybe worth trying to work around a discussion on this and see if the.re underlying worries.

@myfairladies is your husband worried your son won't "like you both" if you say something to him ? I don't understand the quietly seething.

Put a bolt on the inside of the door and tell him you won't be answering before x time. That way he keeps the key for the times when you need him to have it. Tell him to text in advance and ask if it's convenient to come round. Once a young adult has moved out on a (semi) permanent basis, they don't have right of access to the family home at all times, unless you want them to. Also explain that adults make their own decisions about their health and fitness and nagging never helps.

There is an easy solution to that. Take it off him, or change the lock. He’s may think it’s still his home, you need to let him know it’s not. I assume you don’t let yourself into his house without permission even if you have a key? Point that out to him.

Why do so many on MN pussyfoot around their rude, entitled adult children? Tell him to shut up and piss off out on his bike if your life choices bother him so much.

He'd be told to piss off and mind his own business in this house. Sanctimonious little twerp.

Think you need to get your key back, too.

I wouldn’t do a big talk about everything at first but I would send a message say “please don’t drop in before ten as you know we like a lay in “ and when he starts moaning about diet etc say firmly “ we appreciate your concern but we are very capable of making our own decisions as you are yours so please drop it” if he doesn’t ask him to leave.
Then arrange a meeting and be clear this behaviour can not continue.

This was me and my stepmum. At 55, her lifestyle was that of a 80 years old already. Overweight, smoking, drinking, and no physical or even mental activities at all. My dad was the opposite. The frustration was that I could see the future whilst she refuses to acknowledge it.

We have now reached that future. At 75, she can hardly walk 100 metres. She does nothing all day. She is depressed and frustrated. She is jealous of my dad who can still do everything. She resents it and it sometimes shows in her behaviour towards him.

The worse though is her constant expectation of empathy. Frankly, I find it hard to give it to her. She had everything, and I mean everything given to her to avoid being in the situation she is but she refused it and told us off then for trying to help her.

She made her choices and she needs to own them. It sounds like your son is still desperate to avoid his dad being in that same situation.

Your son has some big character flaws.
It may be a bit late for you to do anything about it, but as his parent you need to try and correct him.
Sit him down and tell him loud and clear:

. Trying to always 'win' an argument is obnoxious. People don't like it and he needs to learn when to back down and shut up, agree to disagree.

. Checking out the contents of someone else's fridge is unspeakably rude. He does not live in your house any more, he is a guest, so he is not to open your fridge, much less comment on the contents.

. It is rude to turn up at someone's house unannounced early in the morning. All visits must be pre-arranged. Again, it is not his house, he is a guest.

. The key he has is for emergencies only, he should knock on the door and wait for you to answer.

. No-one is more boring than a person banging on about their new diet or new health or exercise regime. Other people are not interested. Tell him to find other topics of conversation.

. It is very rude to comment on other people's weight or health. Even if it is a close family member. Even if it is his dad and he is worried. It is just not his business, he needs to learn manners.

Don't mince your words or pull your punches here. He is bang out of order, and if you don't tell him who will?
If he goes through life like this he will soon have no friends.

That's easily solved then! New lock should do it.
Download one song that is perfect for him and others of the same ilk, 'Oh Lord it's hard to be humble when you're perfect in every way'.
Why do adult children think they can behave in a way that were their parents to behave the same way towards them they would be up on their hind legs complaining?

It’s because he knows he’ll have to care for you both when the shit hits the fan due to long term unhealthy habits. He’s in a panic and now he’s independent he knows it will fall to him being local. Which it will.

You need to set some boundaries with your son. Tell him what time he can visit from. He shouldn't just drop around and expect you to jump to it. You spend your mornings how you like.

Nip the criticisms in the bud. When he spouts them, call him out however is appropriate. Or just tell him outright that you are not interested in his judgement of you and how you choose to live, so knock it off.

Your son sounds insufferable and as someone else has already mentioned, mid-twenty year olds often are. I must have been very irritating, I knew all sorts apparently. Ahh, youth.

I find the relationship dynamic really interesting here. There's no way I could have mocked my parents for not being out of bed by 9, they'd have sent me away in a box. So, well done for encouraging a relationship that goes in the other direction. But perhaps it's time to be firm. This could be really corrosive and while your son may emerge, blinking and humble, in his thirties and think christ, what a wanker I was, the damage may be done. You and your DH don't need to let this happen to you.