To tell son it’s too much and affecting his dad’s self esteem.

[myfairladies]

We have a lovely lad who is 25 he moved out about three years ago and lives in the same town and we see him regularly which is lovely but the thing is he is very judgmental and this is making us uncomfortable.

He will unexpectedly call round early on a weekend and ask why we’re still in bed. This will be about 8:30-9 when he’s been up and been for a run already.
He will moan about what’s in the fridge and tell his dad he needs to lose weight and stop eating this and that, not just once but every time he turns up and we happen to be eating something he doesn’t approve of.

I’d like to add he wasn’t like this when he lived at home.

He makes sarcastic comments about Dh driving when he himself although holds a license chooses to cycle every where instead.
While I appreciate his lifestyle is his choice, I don’t think he should judge or preach to his dad about it, yes Dh is overweight and does like to sit and watch telly but at 55 there’s no way on earth he is suddenly going to buy a bike, sell the tv and spend his evenings jogging and eating whatever he recommends.
While he means well he is offending his dad and I can see this affecting their relationship.
Dh likes his lay in at the weekend as do I and as we no longer have children at home I agree we are entitled to sleep in but if he turns up and we’re not up yet it’s another chance to criticise.
I had a chat with him and said dad isn’t going to change so just accept him as he is but he isn’t going to back down and is determined to keep on at him, I can see it’s driving a wedge.
I can see the eye roll when ds arrives and ds told me he doesn’t feel like he has anything in common with his dad anymore because he tried to help him but he won’t listen which is true, he doesn’t want to listen as he doesn’t want to be changed or have his lifestyle choices criticised, just wish he would drop it because I can see his dad pulling away because he feels constantly scrutinised.

You’ve nailed it.

Well that's quite the leap are you ok you seem angry.

Yep I get frustrated when I think my parents aren’t looking after themselves properly. I am kinder now than I was in my 20s but they are now in their 70s - I will still tell my dad he needs to get out for a walk though.

your DH is only 55! If he is already overweight and sedentary, he is going to be really unhealthy in 10 years, and is unlikely to reach old age without serious illness. Your son might actually have a point.

id be encouraging DH to eat better and exercise, at the same time as saying to DS to be a bit kinder with him.

Ask for his key back. He can't just walk in now he no longer lives there, that's just disrespectful. Do you have a key to his place? Do you just walk in his place whenever you want? Your son probably wouldn't like that. Time to have a conversation about boundaries. New rules now he doesn't live with you. No early morning visits before 10/11am, you decide the time. Text to arrange visits both ways. Stop the negativity. Full stop.

Agreed.
He isn't trying to help his dad by nagging.

I thought you were going to say he's 75, not going to get on a bike now.

But he's 55! That's young. And as others above have said, this sedentary lifestyle will come back to bite him on the bum if he doesn't make some changes.

A middle ground can be reached I am sure. And get that key back!

It might be misguided concern, but still incredibly rude.

I would consider taking his key back. He does not live there. Tell him he is welcome to come over and you love him, but since he doesn’t respect your boundaries, you want him to call ahead.

Can you leave keys in the door on the inside so he can't get in?

When he complains, you might suggest that if he continues to come round at early o'clock that you'll change the locks and he won't be getting a key.

With respect to your husband's health, if he is willing to improve his health it can be done at his age. My husband has dieted himself out of diabetes and had a blood pressure of 100/80 yesterday at his health check. He was previously morbidly obese and at serious risk of a heart attack or stroke. He's 62. We eat well, just no white carbohydrates, eating between 11 and 7 and he has a 15 minute walk every morning.

Obviously it's up to your husband and he shouldn't feel obliged to do anything he doesn't want to.

What bits about him are lovely? Because from what you’ve described he seems like a bit of a knob.

Your DS needs to lay off his Dad but at 55 it's not too late to change his lifestyle and do better, for himself, you and your kids. Reading between the lines it does sound as though your husband needs to make some changes otherwise he will send himself into an early grave.

Children find it exceptionally difficult seeing their parents decline and age, especially prematurely. It sounds like your son is seeing the start of your DH not looking after himself and is worried for the future. Although, he should treat his dad with kindness rather than contempt.

I think adult children need to understand that their parents have capacity in situations like this and you don't have to agree with all their life choices. You also have agency. I know what it's like to watch a parent on a one way road to ill health but it was never on me to batter them over the head. All I can do is make the best choices I can now in relation to the consequences. It's hard, but that's life. They still have capacity and still make choices I think are detrimental, but it's their life. I can choose the level of my involvement and what would be the point in my involvement being absolutely nothing but constant criticism?

That you can and should do something about.

When he asks why, you can tell him you’re fed up with him letting himself in too early and banging on about food and driving. You’d rather he texted first.

I'm not so sure he's a lovely lad.

Why doesn’t your DH just tell him to piss off? Why are you getting involved? I can see why it’s annoying but I think it’s not your battle to fight

Your son’s an arsehole. Get your key back and tell him to knock it off

I think you need to role play this with DH to support him to toughen up eg

DH - I need you to drop this, I don't want to change and would prefer a chat without you criticising me.

DS - carries on

DH - I've asked you to stop, if you don't I need you to leave

DS - carries on

DH - I need you to leave, now

DS - looks to you

You - DS, you've been told by me and your dad repeatedly to stop. You need to leave until you can come into our home without constantly criticising us. Walks him to the door.

And yes, lock the door, put the chain on. Pre-warn DS that you will be having a lie in and not available until X time.

Ha. I've one a bit like this. Very big on diet, health, the environment, and can be quite evangelical if not reined in. My response was to acknowledge I was pleased he had found a lifestyle that worked for him, and that I'm sure there was evidence it was great way to live, but that it was anti social and rude to criticise and shame people who lived differently, and that its known not to be effective in changing people.
Any straying into that territory now is met with "its rude to be critical of us" or similar.
The important thing is not to engage, defend or justify. It just gives them grist for their mill and prolongs the thing. Because unfortunately you'll not 'win' because they're objectively 'right'.

The thing is all the posters on here saying your son just wants his father to look after himself better @myfairladies might be right. Or your son is just very rude and insensitive. Has he got a girlfriend/boyfriend to spend time with instead of you and DH?
I do get a bit a bit fed up with younger people thinking they know what is best for older people. If only you ‘do everything right’ it means an old age free of ill health. Of course we can do things to help ourselves as we age. However all the dieting and exercise in the world doesn’t magically guarantee a healthy old age.

Double bolt the front and back door so he can't walk in until your up. Also my parents like a lay in, my dad has bilateral lymphoedema, eats a good diet and is v active. But his legs are what they are now and won't change. As your son doesn't appear to want to listen or respect your boundaries then you shall have to enforce them physically, in this case access to the property.

Take his key, telling him why. I would also point out to him that he's being rude each time and telling him to give it a rest. If he didn't then I would end the visit. He might be an adult, but that doesn't mean you don't reinforce behaviour expectations.

Funny isn't it, leaves home and now suddenly and expert in everything. Your son is being an arse. He also doesn't sound all that happy (happy people tend not to behave this way).
I wouldn't take it. Make sure he doesn't have a key. Don't answer the door on early morning visits. If he starts on again about your hubby's weight/lifestyle, tell him to shut up. Literally, shut up. Explain heard it all before, nobody wants to hear it again then leave the room. Nobody likes a bully, even if own son! Hopefully it will sink in....

You both need to tell your judgemental son to wind his neck in. Plus take his key off him. He doesn’t sound lovely at all.

Tell him your still in bed as you've had a wild night of sex and that's enough exercise. Ask him if he would like to do your food shop and pay for it then come round and cook for you.

Then tell him after 55 years on the planet you do no require his advice and shut up

Your sons comments are extremly rude, insensitive and obnoxious, especially as the subject is a personal matter against his dad.

You and your DH need to have some firm words with him, he has chosen his lifestyle, he needs to let you both choose yours.

People need to change their lifestyles or eating habits in their own perfect time and when pressured, it could make the matter worse and backfire. Your DH could gain weight due to the extra burdon your DS is putting on him and it becomes a vicious cycle.

I appreciate he thinks he's doing this for his Dads' health but he is causing more harm than good due to the psycological link between food and stress.

If he has a key to your house, demand he gives it back. He must be told to stop barging in earlier in the morning.

Lock your doors at night or any time so long as the doors are locked before you go to sleep, he is less likely to 'inspect' your fridge like he has been doing.

He needs to apologise to his dad for the intimidation.

Set firm boundaries and hopefully things will improve.

Spot on 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻