To tell son it’s too much and affecting his dad’s self esteem.

[myfairladies]

We have a lovely lad who is 25 he moved out about three years ago and lives in the same town and we see him regularly which is lovely but the thing is he is very judgmental and this is making us uncomfortable.

He will unexpectedly call round early on a weekend and ask why we’re still in bed. This will be about 8:30-9 when he’s been up and been for a run already.
He will moan about what’s in the fridge and tell his dad he needs to lose weight and stop eating this and that, not just once but every time he turns up and we happen to be eating something he doesn’t approve of.

I’d like to add he wasn’t like this when he lived at home.

He makes sarcastic comments about Dh driving when he himself although holds a license chooses to cycle every where instead.
While I appreciate his lifestyle is his choice, I don’t think he should judge or preach to his dad about it, yes Dh is overweight and does like to sit and watch telly but at 55 there’s no way on earth he is suddenly going to buy a bike, sell the tv and spend his evenings jogging and eating whatever he recommends.
While he means well he is offending his dad and I can see this affecting their relationship.
Dh likes his lay in at the weekend as do I and as we no longer have children at home I agree we are entitled to sleep in but if he turns up and we’re not up yet it’s another chance to criticise.
I had a chat with him and said dad isn’t going to change so just accept him as he is but he isn’t going to back down and is determined to keep on at him, I can see it’s driving a wedge.
I can see the eye roll when ds arrives and ds told me he doesn’t feel like he has anything in common with his dad anymore because he tried to help him but he won’t listen which is true, he doesn’t want to listen as he doesn’t want to be changed or have his lifestyle choices criticised, just wish he would drop it because I can see his dad pulling away because he feels constantly scrutinised.

I’d certainly be either taking his key away or changing the locks! What sort of person turns up so early, unless just to be critical?

Plus I’d be telling him that we don’t answer the door before 9 am, and 10 at weekends.

Young people can lack self awareness. It's very easy when you are a young adult to think you know everything. I'm sure I was insufferable more than once.
I'd tell Judgemental Judy to stop being so unkind and so rude and to spend some time off his bike learning some emotional awareness. But then I'm quite open with my son. Alternatively I like the idea up thread of telling him you're in bed as you're having sex.

So take the key back and tell him not to come round without prior arrangement. It's your house. He does not have proprietary rights over it just because he used to live there.

Sympathies, OP; one of ours still lives with us and lectures dh a lot.

Thing is, mine has a point. DH doesn't follow dietary guidelines for his health conditions (he thinks he does, while absent mindedly hoovering up crisps and pastries "just this once") or the exercise guidelines (again, he thinks he does, but it's not nearly enough). Does your DH have anything medical going on?

Well, your DS is being insufferable and sanctimonious, which I can see is extremely annoying, but your DH sounds like he's heading for an early grave tbh. Being obese and inactive and eating crap in midlife is a recipe for a heart attack and yes, it is his life to live as he wishes, but a lot of people (my DH included) turn things around in their 50s, so it's not impossible. Why doesn't your DH care about his health? Doesn't he care that, at the very least, he's like to end up with mobility problems as he gets older and quite possibly Type II diabetes and all the health complications that that entails.

So many replies suggesting it’s concern, and maybe DH should do something about his weight. No. Tell him directly, as a couple, one last time that this needs to stop as DH is an adult and doesn’t need his son telling him how to live his life, if he continues I’d tell him he’s being insufferable and no one likes a nag, and ask he not visit for a few weeks to have time to reflect on his nasty behaviour, because continuing to say those things after being asked to stop, is nasty

Is DH a bit chubby, or are we talking medically obese etc. I say that as a 54 year old (Male) who's put on a stone in the last year.

He's probably worried about his dad shuffling off early?

Be honest, are you as well..?

Rather than trying to turn (us) 50 year olds into gym rats, would your son be able to come round and go for walks etc with DH?

If I'm honest, I worry about getting diabetes etc - so I'm not coming from some super smug angle. I've already had a millionaire shortbread in a coffee shop this morning.

Mind you, my lovely DD is safely away at uni - so I've no idea what she thinks of us old farts!

Barely an adult ? He is a 25 year old man and needs to learn some manners.

Small point, and not the main point I realise, but I'd just add a bolt to the door.
Would cause less aggro than changing the lock and you just leave the bolt closed until you're happy for DS to come in (as long as you are happy - I wouldn't expect my DC to just let themselves in and I wouldn't do it to them either).

He doesn't sound "lovely"

He sound like a rude sanctimonious prick

Your son needs some advice back. He sounds, I am afraid as if he has no or very little emotional intelligence. And a distinct lack of respect for you both.
Some feedback perhaps is overdue.

Even with a key to the house, I would never have just let myself into my parents home once I wasn't living there. It's bloody rude I think.

Tell DS that unsolicited, negative opinions and instructions are unacceptable and undermine connection in relationships.

It’d be better for him to ask for one proper talk with his dad about his (understandable) concerns about his health risks. It’s entirely up to DH what he does or doesn’t do and DS should refrain from criticising, having been explicit about his concerns and opinions.

Similarly if DH is part of a competitive dynamic with DS over difficult things he could reflect on that.

presumably you all wants to transition adult to adult relationships, with mutual respect etc, and DS (and DH if they ‘spar’)wouldn’t treat other adults like it.

Have you tried embarrassing your son into shutting up? I would ask him to stop interrupting your bedroom activities with his early morning visits. I am sure he will be horrified! Especially if you add 'its the most exercise your dad gets'.nudge, nudge, wink wink.

Be direct. Say DS, that's enough, you're being really rude and judgemental and if you can't stop yourself, we don't want you coming round here. Your nasty attitude is not welcome. I don't care if you think you're right. If you can't show some manners, you need to leave. You're not too old for a bloody slap.

I did, my late DM would have thought it odd if I didn’t. I would never have gone round there at such an ungodly hour though, unless it was an emergency of some kind.

Maybe your DS is worried about his father’s health and is trying to suggest how he should live to have him live longer but is going round it the wrong way.
You say yourself that DP is a couch potato, could you suggest some simple changes by going out for strolls/walks weekends and try to change bad food habits.

He sounds worried about his dad. It's not surprising when you have the attitude that 55 is too old to change an unhealthy lifestyle. At 25, he'll be becoming aware of you and his dad's mortality. Watching his dad eat and slob his way into an early grave probably gives him a lot of anxiety.

He’s far from ‘lovely’ treating his Dad like that! We have a 23 year old son who wouldn’t dream of speaking to his Dad in such a disrespectful, judgey way! And if he tried (he wouldn’t!), he would be told in no uncertain terms to button it!

Criticises you for having a lie-in? Was he always up at the crack of dawn when he was a teenager?

Criticises you for the food you eat? Did he live on broccoli and tofu when he was a teenager?

Did he always listen to your advice when he was a teenager?

Thought not. Hypocritical. Tell him that he lives his life and you live yours and he can butt out.

By all means have a word with DS, reiterate he is rude and you are allowed to have a lie in as many people do.

On other aspects, maybe a middle ground can be reached?

DS’s bugging absolutely sounds excessive and not useful. But on the other hand, i also find it incredibly fustrating when my parents/in laws etc have failing health because they don’t look after themsevles and maybe he has a legitimate concern here.

No one needs to throw away the tv, but maybe take some of his points on board. DH’s health is only going to get worse otherwise.

Take the key off him. Tell him to mind his own business. Judgemental little shit

At 55 my DH had two children in primary school, I was 50. We loved it but we didn't do lie ins or much TV either.

Put a chain on the front door.

I was just going to say what @houseofvelvet said!

Even if your DS’s intentions are good, he’s going about it in completely the wrong way. Constant nagging and criticism like this would really get my back up. What gives him the right to be the Fridge Police?

I would also be having a strong word with him about coming round early on a Saturday and criticizing his middle-aged parents for having a lie-in; that’s ridiculous. Put a bolt on the door and disconnect the doorbell. Or move house 😉