7am and DH arguing with me already

[NeverGetADayOff]

My DH has just left in a massive huff. He is going out for the day with DC2.

Context: I have 2 jobs, have DC to look after, a needy elderly relative and am studying at the moment. I am very busy and very tired. I've had a very rough 6 months.

Today, I sort of have a day off. I have some errands to run, and I have to do some studying, but it should be OK. I was lying in bed watching the news and DH came in and reminded me that there is a workman coming over today to mock up some plans. He wants to do this and that in the house and I have to decide what I want etc. He wants wooden floors in the bedroom and it renovated. I told my DH I do not want to spend 25K renovating a couple of bedrooms.

My reasons are: We put our house on the market before covid and it had not appreciated in value at all after 7 years as it was clearly an overpriced new build when we bought it. Also, we like our house, but it is not everyone's cup of tea. First time round, no one was interested. Secondly, my youngest is going to uni next year, and I don't see a long term future in this massive house. Finally, I have moved around a lot in my life (moved up and down the country and abroad a few times) and I have no attachment to this area or this house. It is not my home town, and if I was asked to leave the day after my DC2 went to uni, either in the UK or abroad, I would. This is not what I said to my DH, I just said I don't want to spend 25K on a couple of bedrooms until I was sure the house had appreciated and it wasn't money down the toilet.

So I am standing in the kitchen at 0700 on my day off trying to get a cup of coffee and he comes in the kitchen and starts ranting that he will cancel the workman and he's all agitated. I didn't raise my voice but I did say something like "OMG, it is 7am and you are on my case already. I said I will talk to the workman, I will do it and see what he says. It is just that I want to see where our house is at before we spend that". He carried on so I said "OMG you have literally ruined my day. I was looking forward to getting some stuff done and a bit of chilling on a rare day off and you are on my back at the crack of dawn".

Honestly, it is like having a stroppy manager who is on your back the second you walk through the door at work with you standing there with sleep in your eyes and a Starbucks in your hand.

Also, he presents things as a joint decision, but if I say hmm, what about this, he gets annoyed as really, he wants his own way.

It wasn't a shouting match or anything, but I was so looking forward to today, and now he has made me feel anxious, stressed and I want to cry.

Who IBU

HNRTFT but I personally would not be up at 7 am on my day off and certainly wouldn’t be having a conversation a! Not even about the bloody weather tbh !

I'm finding this quite stressful to read.

You don't sound that happy. I'm not sure I could live under that scrutiny.

If he has always been like this and it is shortly going to be just you two, is this how you want to spend the next 30 odd years?

There have been a couple of times in our marriage where he has said "I don't want to be married anymore" and it was pretty awful when this happened. It usually follows me pushing back on something I don't like.

So does he use emotional threats of divorce as coercive behaviour to make you revert to the "yes dear" to get his own way?

By the way; dont revert to "yes dear" - it doesnt keep the peace, it builds resentment. You also deserve to live in your peace. He doesnt get to always have it his way.

Sounds disgusting (and I bloody love yogurt, cheese, cow's milk etc). I don't even know if I could keep that down?

The marriage issues sound as though they were there to begin with, OP. He has you 'trained' not to make a fuss or you will be punished. This sentence says a multitude of things: I usually just go along with whatever he wants to keep the peace, which obviously is not a good thing. We don't argue.

I'll bet you don't, because he has you conditioned into keeping the peace by not opposing him. As for telling you he doesn't want to be married anymore as a punishment for not playing ball, then yes, there may well come a day when you'd be more than happy to take him at his world. Because this is not how healthy marriages operate.

He also doesn't need to use the not wanting to be married threat because on this occasion, he's ruined your rare day off as a punishment. That was deliberate.

Marriage issues indeed. This is a man used to getting his own way, and if he doesn't get it, is going to make you suffer. He is using intricate, tried and tested methods of control on you. That is the behaviour of an abuser.

You do see that, don't you, OP?

Huge red flags. Time to make some decisions OP. your life could be so much better and easier.
Property prices are really the last thing you should worry about. If you split 50:50 you can decide where to get something smaller and you can probably get a mortgage.

What shouts out from your opening post is that you have a communication problem. You could have had a discussion before it got to this point. Your husband isn’t actually trying to make a decision without you, he has included you to see what you want.

its a battle of wills you are trying to make decisions without considering his feelings/wanrs.

maybe he doesn’t care about the house value and just wants a bedroom thats to his taste. There isn’t anything wrong with that.

is he even aware you don’t plan on continuing to live in the house

What a crappy way to live. And now the weekend atmosphere at home will be tense and fraught and the kids will yet again wonder what the hell is going on between their parents.

Come on @NeverGetADayOff … expect better for yourself and your kids

The last time dh said this I invited him, very calmly to leave the marriage. I stated that if it was making him unhappy he should absolutely take the right steps for himself, we’d sell the house, split the proceeds and go our separate ways if that’s what he felt he needed. You’re either all in or you’re out, I’m not looking for a marriage where one person isn’t fully committed.

He seems much more content in our marriage since and I don’t have to bother playing the pick me dance.

which is just as well, if he’d mentioned it again I’d have left the marriage myself! 🙄

More to the point @Bridgertonisbest , are you content in your marriage?

I'm older than you, OP. Reading between the lines on an emotional level, I can see a distinct incompatibility between you both. You seem to be subservient and are starting to resent it. I have been married twice; both exH made me feel this way, albeit it wasn't the reason we broke up. All I can say, is that I am the happiest in my life, now I'm single, living alone, without anyone else's moods or opinions and I pinch myself how lucky I am to be in the situation I am in, now, albeit when exH1 left me, I was blindsided and devastated. Now, all decisions made are mine alone, which makes me feel secure and happy. I have recently semi retired, also downsized to the type of home/area I should always have lived in and I spend my spare time walking in fields with my dogs, wallowing in nature, and peace. I can't remember the last time I shed a tear, which was a frequent occurrence when married, (to both men). Think long and hard about your future --- you are making a start by doing the right thing trying to stand alone, financially. Good luck. PS: Today it is pissing down - I got up, fed the dogs, and we went back to bed/chill until 12.30pm. Not a cross word was heard😜

Well quite!

it’s a question that husband rarely ask themselves. Overall yes, he’s a kind supportive man that pulls his weight and makes me laugh. Pulling the “I’m not fulfilled in this relationship” crap doesn’t actually renew my commitment tho. I’m not responsible for his emotional state and it’s a burden I will not bear.

Menopause shifts the balance somewhat when a lot of women lose the people pleasing hormone and start saying “no” and no longer agree to carry most of the mental load of the family any longer.

instead of rushing to fix things I now mutter platitudes such as “oh, that sounds tricky for you, what will you do to sort it out” 🤣

I echo this post completely. When you have your own place, can financially stand on your own two feet and have a good network of friends, you will probably wonder why on earth you put up with this behaviour for so long.

Having your own place, and being able to live exactly as you want, is a very beautiful, empowering thing for a woman.

I read your posts but not the full thread. Forgive me if I'm repeating something already said. The first thing you need to do is tell him that there is to be no more of him making appointments for you on your day off, or on weekends, without ASKING you first. That means it must be phrased as a question and the appointment doesn't get made until/unless you say yes. If you say "no" he is to accept that. He will likely push back. How he does that, and how that discussion ends up (him yelling? Telling you it's time to divorce? Accusing you of all sorts?) will give you a LOT of information you can use to decide what to do next.

At this point, you have no control over your own schedule. You are being treated like his minion. It is demeaning, not to mention the way it means you can never have true rest because of the possibility he will burst in with some task for you, that totally changes your schedule, and that you MUST DO lest he punish you with verbal lashings. That is (IMO) why you feel so low. You need to set a boundary. You are allowed to do that. The question is, what does he do when you set a boundary.

Why can't he buy his own yoghurt?

Couldn't agree more. He's horrible and OP accepts it because she wants to stay married to him.

I can't see a single reason why.

Also, the 16 year old should be capable of cooking, and should be doing their own washing.

OP is just the house elf in this setup. Fuck that, it sounds miserable.

The last man that started well tried to start an argument with me at 8am in the morning, found his stuff on the outside of the front door when he came back and the locks changed.

I like my mornings quiet.
Thank god im single.

Well, I think that @NeverGetADayOff is in a much better position to know whether her day has been ruined, or not.

I expect that after the workmen have gone, the OP could have started to feel better, especially if she had got the support from here, that she definitely needs from somewhere. Unfortunately, she chose to come to Mumsnet, on a Saturday morning, where all the worst Mumsnetters seem to be on display today!

Dear NeverGetADayOff, I think you are an
amazing Warrior Woman, who has put up with far too much shit from your not so dear Husband, and if you don't want to actually separate (yet?) please try to fit in some counselling, because you need to understand just how strong and capable you are, and that if you decide that your life would be both calmer, and much more pleasant, without that controlling man child in it. The right - for you - counsellor, could help you greatly with building your confidence back up.

However, out of all the possibilities, please don't let it all return to your normal day to day struggle with life. 🙏 To start with, even the smallest of steps can begin with a similar progress to that of a tiny snowball, which, with a little bit of patience, and even more determination, can achieve the best and biggest body, and head, for a ginormous, and all powerful snowlady and but please don't wait for next winter to start that
process!! 🤗

Lastly, have you got a date for when your studying finishes completely, or maybe for the summer holidays, because I think that you are very much in need of a holiday, hopefully one without your husband, and maybe without your DC too. When I was roughly at the same stage of life as you are now, I used to (day) dream of just disappearing for a few days to my secret happy place. Maybe I should have really done it, and maybe, if you haven't got any young children, you should think about doing something similar?

I started typing this in the late morning, but then I had to do some boring stuff, and now it is almost the evening, so I hope that I haven't missed anything too important, or that you have all packed up for the night. I hope that by now your day has improved massively OP 🩷

I had a husband like this OP who was always threatening to leave and when I hit the menopause Id had enough of that shit and said well please fuck off then. Ive lived happily alone ever since. Unlike him.
He spent a few years begging to come back but I was done.

Missing the point a little, but he eats 1KG of yoghurt A DAY? Is he made of yoghurt?

I eat a bowl of plain yoghurt with museli every day for breakfast and use it regularly in cooking and a kilo lasts us about 7 days and sometimes more.

This. You’re not on the same page with anything - suggest a chat about what you told us on here is in order.

As an aside, absolute pointless spending that much money on flooring. Keep it to help your child at uni and then facilitate leaving to move and live somewhere you actually like yourself.

No wonder you're exhausted. Apart from anything you're having to stand up to someone who is trying to control everything and then kicks off like a kid if you don't go along with it. The 'you've ruined my day" was a bit immature from you but I can see where you're coming from.
I've also experienced the I'm ending the marriage, now I'm not side of things. I found it unsettling and lost my trust. Also the controlling abd expecting me to deal with everything on my days off too. I left because I couldn't hack it anymore. I'm not suggesting you do that but he needs to take some responsibility for being there for workmen etc and for his behaviour for you to feel ok. You need to look after your health both mentally and physically. Please don't get ground down. I did and am still taking time to get back to my true self.

What a knob. He sounds like an entitled little prince with his 1kg of yoghurt and £15 steaks and fancy eggs. He’s your husband not your boss.

You both sound pretty wound up.

Can you book a holiday and actually relax? Your relationship sounds super SUPER stressful.

Don’t make any decisions in anger or fear. Go and calm the fuck down first. Yelling about workman at 7am just isn’t a decent way to live your life.

How is it physically possible to eat a kilo of yoghurt a day? That’s just a massive quantity !