7am and DH arguing with me already

[NeverGetADayOff]

My DH has just left in a massive huff. He is going out for the day with DC2.

Context: I have 2 jobs, have DC to look after, a needy elderly relative and am studying at the moment. I am very busy and very tired. I've had a very rough 6 months.

Today, I sort of have a day off. I have some errands to run, and I have to do some studying, but it should be OK. I was lying in bed watching the news and DH came in and reminded me that there is a workman coming over today to mock up some plans. He wants to do this and that in the house and I have to decide what I want etc. He wants wooden floors in the bedroom and it renovated. I told my DH I do not want to spend 25K renovating a couple of bedrooms.

My reasons are: We put our house on the market before covid and it had not appreciated in value at all after 7 years as it was clearly an overpriced new build when we bought it. Also, we like our house, but it is not everyone's cup of tea. First time round, no one was interested. Secondly, my youngest is going to uni next year, and I don't see a long term future in this massive house. Finally, I have moved around a lot in my life (moved up and down the country and abroad a few times) and I have no attachment to this area or this house. It is not my home town, and if I was asked to leave the day after my DC2 went to uni, either in the UK or abroad, I would. This is not what I said to my DH, I just said I don't want to spend 25K on a couple of bedrooms until I was sure the house had appreciated and it wasn't money down the toilet.

So I am standing in the kitchen at 0700 on my day off trying to get a cup of coffee and he comes in the kitchen and starts ranting that he will cancel the workman and he's all agitated. I didn't raise my voice but I did say something like "OMG, it is 7am and you are on my case already. I said I will talk to the workman, I will do it and see what he says. It is just that I want to see where our house is at before we spend that". He carried on so I said "OMG you have literally ruined my day. I was looking forward to getting some stuff done and a bit of chilling on a rare day off and you are on my back at the crack of dawn".

Honestly, it is like having a stroppy manager who is on your back the second you walk through the door at work with you standing there with sleep in your eyes and a Starbucks in your hand.

Also, he presents things as a joint decision, but if I say hmm, what about this, he gets annoyed as really, he wants his own way.

It wasn't a shouting match or anything, but I was so looking forward to today, and now he has made me feel anxious, stressed and I want to cry.

Who IBU

DH’s mum is a horrible narcissist. I really do think she has a personality disorder.

DH is quiet like his dad. However I do see behaviours that his mum has. It’s confusing as his mum is loud and aggressive, whereas DH is calm
and quiet. It is not overt.

My MIL always has to have the best of everything, and everyone else is not allowed an opinion and is too stupid/ has no taste/ will choose wrong, so she has to do it. She likes to take a person and reduce their self esteem to crumbs. She failed with me, but I think DH may finish the job.

OP is exhausted and tired from having an obnoxious, controlling and thoroughly unpleasant man disturbing her peace.

You seem to be very judgemental with no empathy or ability to be able to put yourself in someone else's shoes.

Are you seriously thinking of staying with this man once your son leaves for uni? That money would be far better spent in therapy and in paying for a solicitor.

my question again but with an addition. You have seen his mother in him, you know he is wrecking you. Why are you staying?

Why are you even with him - he sounds fucking awful.

1kg if yoghurt a day!! That's hot to be 1000 calories alone. That's a lot of fat if it's the good stuff. And you're supposed to control his weight???!?

Never mind about whether this is your forever home, is this your forever life? With this overbearing boss/husband?

The I don't want to be married any more thing when he doesn't get his own way is a massive ick. Next time say ok dear. I get why you stated when your kids were young but you've raised them now and it will soon be just you and him.

You're never going to get back £25k spent on floors. Total waste of money.

You could sell that house and buy your own places and live happily ever after, him with his maintenance schedule and you with your independence. You can't possibly spend the rest of your life under this tyranny. Maybe it's time for you to say you don't want to be married any more....

There's a 16 year old at home too, I believe, presumably due to start A levels in September. It's not his fault I guess that his parent(s) chose for him to live in the arse end of nowhere so OP (because she is a nice person) feels obligated to drive him to where he needs to be most days.

The Very Important Husband is at work or commuting to work or stuffing himself with fine steaks and yogurt after finishing work, leaving the OP to do everything to his very fine and exacting standards.

It all sounds like this has been building slowly for a long time, and it's about to blow.

If this was your boss you would be looking for other jobs.

OP, you seriously need to plan for the future. This dreadful controlling behaviour will only get worse as time goes on. Imagine him as an old man....... ghastly. In the meantime keep paddling . Hugs.

Why don't you divorce him?

This is all a bit bonkers.
what should be happening is he should say- I’m thinking it would be a good idea to do up the bedrooms- what do you think? I’ve had a look into it and this might be good but it’s going to cost xxx, what do you think? when you are BOTH in agreement - I’m thinking of booking a workman to come round- when do you think I could ask him to come? Saturday? Which time would work?
Absoltrly NOT oh I feel we need xxx done to the bedrooms and I’ve booked someone to come today to start working on it / quoting for it? Bizarre.
Do you not ever discuss things before actions happen?
As for him saying I will end the marriage. It’s complete bully tactics. How can someone who is meant to love you with their heart and soul say something like that? Horrible. My love would have started withering from the moment they first said that I’m afraid as it would signal to me that they didn’t really truly love me or care for my wellbeing at all

Sounds like he has delusional personality disorder.
No cure for that I’m afraid. Friend of mine’s husband has it and she’s spent her life appeasing him while being shouted at. He’s spent every single penny of the equity of their house and is in debt up to his neck.
She has dementia now and he’s stopped talking to her. She loves it when she stays at the respite nursing home.
I would get out while there’s money left to split and life left to live.

So is he normally a controlling arse?

It sounds like there is a massive backstory to all of this. Is he organising shit for you to do when he isn't there, part of his controlling nature? If so, I've been there and there is no hope for any change in the future and my advice is to get out ASAP. I tried. I wish I hadn't and he became dangerous when he knew I had a foot out of the door.

Time to properly fully stand back and analyse your interactions and personalities as if you are a third person so you get clarity.

Please read the OP's updates.

Just divorce him. He's controlling and bullying you and your child. You can buy a chicken or thighs. You're choosing to jump to his demands. My husband threatened divorce. I told him submit if he wanted but be absolutely sure as I would see I through. He didn't press submit. I divorced him a bit later. Best decision ever made.

Just leave now. This is all pointless and damaging for your children.

Your husband sounds like a controlling asshole if you don't go along with his expensive whims. You appease him to stay married because he's already been out the door twice. Let his dumb ass go next time.

Spending 25k renovating flooring in bedrooms in a home that hasn't appreciated in value since you bought it is fucking stupid. If you renovate, you put the money where it likely brings you a return on your investment, like updating kitchens or bathrooms. Flooring? What the fuck is he on?

Him arguing with you at 7 in the morning on a day where you're not swamped with stuff to do sounds deliberate. He's out to fuck with you and he's a nut job. Drive 40 minutes for special eggs, my ass. He's an emotionally abusive bully.

Don't do the workman. Cancel. Say no to burning large sums of money on stupid.

I'd put some money towards a lawyer consult and split myself. No way would I live like that.

So, end it, ffs. Are you reading your own posts? This man is horrible to you. Why are you just passively accepting all this?

Don't do the renovations. The more you spend now, the less you'll have to divide in the future divorce settlement. Think of your future self.

Your husband sounds horrendous. He's a bully. Dump him, get your own peaceful house where you can lie in until after 7am on a day off, and you don't have to buy 6kg of yoghurt for him every week.

How does he treat your kids? If it's anything like how he treats you, they're probably never going to come back and visit you once they've left for uni, so it's best to set your stall out now that you and their dad are Very Separate People.

Divorce.

Imagine yourself alone with this man, every day, just you two, for the rest of your life. REALLY think hard about what every day looks like.

I'd see a solicitor and get your ducks in a row.

Do NOT ever consider divorcing him without a solicitor. He's a nasty, nasty bully that will be horrible to you.

The marriage is over.

Here’s why: your divorce is predicted by the way you fight and resolve fights. You describing him as a stroppy manager shows you no longer respect his opinion, which is fine - women aren’t required to respect men’s opinions, and that works vice versa, too. But… your husband should know and understand that you DGAF about the house. Why are you telling MN something you didn’t say to him? Every woman should know how to recognize the “Four Horsemen” of Toxic Communication (which causes divorce) in her marriage: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

This little 7am episode has 3/4 Horsemen. What do you want to do now, OP? Often, a child leaving for university can make it a good time to re-evaluate a relationship.

Source for you, OP: www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

Agreed. Do not even bring up divorce until you have a solicitor ready. We show ourselves in these 7am moments.

I know this is the least of it but…1 KG OF YOGHURT PER DAY??

It all sounds like this has been building slowly for a long time, and it's about to blow.

I've been thinking that from the start of the thread.
@NeverGetADayOff , you sound as if you have reached the end of your tether.

You sound a grounded down to earth likeable person .Stick to what you think, work shouldn’t be done and copious amounts of money spent ,unless you both agree ,that as you say is your nest egg .He is really not thinking ahead .Sounds like you will sell the house in the near future and by then you may decide it’s more peaceful on your own terms .
Best of luck to you .

'I don't want to be married anymore' is emotional blackmail. I would just say 'ok' and call his bluff. If he really wants to leave you over flooring then it reflects that his heart wasn't in the relationship anyway, and you want better than that.