AIBU to expect some housework done during my partner's mat leave?

[Cljw]

My partner is on mat leave, I work full time. Then when i get home, i have to tidy up after her and the mess that has been made throughout the day, do the washing and cooking etc. (Woe is me, i know) but when i voice my feelings regarding this, i get the 'im looking after our child, i dont have time to do any of that.' So AIBU to ask her to do some housework?

How was it during your paternity leave, Op, did you and your partner manage to get more chores done?

You already have, and she gave you the answer 🤷🏽‍♀️

When I was on maternity leave I stayed on top of the chores, but I was always a tidy and neat person and couldn’t stand things unfinished.

Was she like this before?

Having a baby and being on maternity leave means that she is at home to look after the baby.

Why would you assume that this automatically means you have a housewife?

It’s maternity leave not cleaning leave. If you don’t do chores when you get home what do you expect to do? Put feet up and be served dinner?

Depends what kind of mess it is.
Currently on maternity leave and depending on the type of day I have the house can range from clean and tidy to messy. My priority is going to be the baby. I like a tidy house but I'm also doing all the night wakings and having a needy baby full time is hard. When she's asleep some days I do housework, others I take a beat and get myself ready for the rest of the day.
My DH understands this. My 'job' is looking after the baby.

Yes, when she is not working (looking after your baby) or attending to her basic biological needs then she is free to do her portion of the housework, pro rata by how much time you each have after your respective working hours and physical survival needs.
I think you will find that she has a very small amount of time compared to you in every 24hr period.

Yes, I’d expect some housework done, apart from the early days or weeks. Doesn’t have to be much, but when the baby is sleeping etc. something can be done, even if it’s basic tidying or peeling the spuds or emptying the dishwasher.

Firstly @Cljw how old is the baby?

And secondly, have you ever spent a day on your own with the baby?

Oh, and edited to ask: is your wife waking up during the night to feed the baby? (Either breastfeeding or bottle feeding)

Depends if he’s getting up in the night to help you with feeds so you can get some sleep? Or just blaming his job for leaving it all to you! Like looking after a baby isn’t the hardest job there is!

Depends on the baby as to how much else you can fit in. How much housework do you get done when you look after the baby all day on the weekend OP?

How old is the baby? I was BF on demand.
The house was upside down for a while…

I did some laundry and kept on top of the dishes etc but some days it was hard to get the hoovering, mopping, bathroom cleaning done with a fussy baby who would only contact nap and another child to look after. Cooking was very difficult also unless it was quick. It totally depends on your baby and her recovery from birth etc. It is unreasonable to think she should be doing everything just because she's not working. It is a team effort, are you helping overnight or is that all on her? If so, you are being very unreasonable.

Why? It’s maternity leave not house working leave. Clue is in the name.

What is house working leave? I’ve never heard of it. Weird comment.

Same here. My DD1 was an awful sleeper, a real velcro baby. Fed for hours on end! Luckily my DH didn't expect me to clean the house whilst looking after her

It's something that men suddenly magically seem to expect when their partners have had a baby.

deoends totally on the baby and their needs.
Velcro baby who takes ages breastfeeding? Probs not gonna have a chance.
easy baby?
loads of chance.

no one here knows.

How old is the baby. It’s tougher at the start and less tough later on..
I do think that evenings, when you’re both together you should split house tasks … cooking cleaning etc , it’s shared time and shared tasks

It’s not unreasonable to expect some housework to be done, no. Of course, how much somewhat depends on the age of baby, who does the night wakes, how baby is being fed, how clingy baby is, if there’s anything like colic or similar going on etc etc etc.

After my maternity leave, my husband took a year home with the baby, so we understand well what it is like from both sides.

We agreed that looking after a very young child at home = going out to work whichever way round we were. The mental strain of work was in many ways much less i found. Coworkers are reasonable beings, they aren't as loud, unpredictable, they let you work, have lunch etc.

Mentally Mat leave is exhausting for a woman. If she's like me, I was up several times in the night, breastfeeding a baby who sometimes just would not get off, unable to put them down so they would be lying on the bathroom mat crying at me every time I needed the loo. I would some days not be able to get a shower and food done easily.

It's not fair to put the extra stress of expectation of housework on her just because she is home. She needs a lunch break as much as you do, if she gets a nap break to eat and have a hot drink don't insist it should be time for her to do the dishes.

When the working partner was home we would take it in turns to do chores while the other had the baby, being mindful that we each needed a bit of downtime too.

Are you rich? If not, why not? You're at work all day aren't you?

Are you also getting up with the baby in the night or are you expecting her to do that too? If so I assume she's catching up on sleep when the baby sleeps. You know the saying, sleep when the baby sleeps, fold laundry when the baby folds laundry.....

Yabu, I was barely holding it together on maternity leave, especially with my first. If my husband had come home complaining about the state of the house that would have pushed me over the edge.

How old is the baby? Is your partner doing all the night wakings/feeds? Is the baby an easy napper (as in does baby go down in Moses basket) or does baby need to be walked around in pram or held/sling to nap? Is baby “easy” as in quite chill and happy to lie on mat/sit in bouncy chair for a bit or a bit more high maintenance and need almost constant attention?

All of the above would have a significant bearing on the amount of housework your partner will be able to do day to day.

Are you ever coming back to the contentious thread you started @Cljw?