AIBU to expect some housework done during my partner's mat leave?

[Cljw]

My partner is on mat leave, I work full time. Then when i get home, i have to tidy up after her and the mess that has been made throughout the day, do the washing and cooking etc. (Woe is me, i know) but when i voice my feelings regarding this, i get the 'im looking after our child, i dont have time to do any of that.' So AIBU to ask her to do some housework?

My first born didn't sleep during the day. She was born in February and as we didn't have central heating we were confined to the living room for her first 2 months. I didn't do any housework because it just wasn't possible.

Her brother slept for 4 hours between feeds and I finally realised how other people managed to get anything else done.

I'm sorry, is she your employee or your partner and mother of your child? 'You wouldn't mind so much'? That's so big of you.

How old is baby, are they clingy and do they sleep well?

My ds1 was clingy, fussy and quite a high needs baby who didn’t sleep well until he was 1. The house was utterly neglected. My ds2 was the opposite, very chilled and slept through from 6 weeks and my house was immaculate.

There are too many variables. How old is the baby? Does the baby sleep? Does it cry a lot? Does it need held constantly? Is your partner still trying to find their feet?

I had a pretty good baby and there were days I still ate nothing but cornettos and barely washed my own face never mind someone else's clothes.

It pisses me off that cleaning is so synonymous with mothering.

@Cljw are you coming back to answer any of our questions?

Typical stupid man! Thinking a woman should be able to do everything while he works!! What do you think your partner is doing? How about you look after your child for a day and see how much house work you get done because I bet it’s zero!!

Also how much housework do you fit in a day? None right because you are working - well so is she.

Were you breastfeeding? Just a genuine question. I bottle fed my first and housework was easier. With bf, it took a lot longer and I was physically more tired. It makes a big difference.

It depends on the baby. DC 1 no bother tidying around, washed, dressed, DC2 Velcro baby who cried all day, very little was accomplished for about a year.

You never answered.

How old is the baby?

How brutal was the birth? Any injuries?

Does the baby sleep/nap well, and feed well?

What proportion of the night wakings are you doing?

@Cakeandcardio to be fair I did bottle feed but I had 3rd degree tear after second baby was born & still managed a baby, toddler & kept the house reasonably clean & clothes were washed, food shop done etc. I didn’t want to be surrounded by chaos. I don’t recall chilling on the sofa feeding like people mention on here. Maybe I got my priorities wrong 🤷🏻‍♀️

How much of these chores were you doing before the baby? That’s your baseline, and you’re looking to be doing more than that now as your partner is probably caring for the baby pretty much 24/7. The overall amount of work that needs to be done between the two of you has increased rather than decreased with her being on mat leave, so your share will increase as a result.

Of course there will be days when she manages to get some stuff done during the day, but she’s at home to look after the baby, rather than do housework.

What makes me laugh is people who say to new Mums “oh sleep when the baby sleeps” and “well you can do all the night wakings because you are ‘off’ during the day, and so you can have a sleep during nap time”.

And then also berate her if she does, and expect her to be fitting in housework during that time. If you do expect she’ll be able to do that, then you need to do half of the night wakings, at least.

I doubt It.

Cleaning is mothering the ‘partner’ I suppose but that again isn’t the point of maternity leave.

Same tbh. Especially in the early months when they don't do a lot. My house was never so tidy as in the first 3 months with my first (slings helped). I think it's harder to do chores when they're are mobile, especially when they cause mess faster than you can tidy it.

No she shouldn't be scrubbing the floors and making it spotless, but cleaning up after herself, pottering, putting on dinner and the dishwasher isn't a huge ask.

Not at all, unless there's health issues you don't mention? And it's not a gender thing. I expect my husband to do things round the house if I'm working and he's not. And my grandad-who did work-made breakfast and tidied up Sunday mornings, and took his duaghters out so my gran could have a break, so if one man can, why not all of them?

How much parenting are you doing? How much sleep are you getting?

It also depends on recovery. I set my c-section back by overestimating my capability. Not everybody's baby 'does nothing' either, otherwise new mothers wouldn't be so exhausted.

Maybe you could both consider other women's experiences to help you 'get it' instead of making proclamations based on your own narrow experience.

Get up in the night every time your wife does for two weeks.

See how you function at work as the days progress.

A word of advice to you -
If you want to remain with this woman and bring up the baby together, give yourself a resounding slap in the face, roll up your sleeves, and do housework.

You need to get over yourself. You're not her boss, setting housework goals or criticizing the lack of visible housework.

Your partner spent nine months building an entire human being and then went through the delivery, without getting sleep afterwards to recover.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself, and man up.

It seems to me that there are men out there ( my exH included) who express their jealousy about the attention the baby is getting by becoming critical of the state of the house. It's their immaturity showing.

Some of the comments from other mums on this thread are so disappointing when we know nothing of this mum’s situation or temperament of the baby etc. Those suggesting it’s easy to fit in housework throughout the day clearly haven’t had the same experience as those with a clingy baby who only contact naps and need near constant attention. My baby also wouldn’t even entertain the idea of a sling until a few months old so that wasn’t an option.

I have been breastfeeding, doing 95% of the nights, co-sleeping…all that is so time consuming and mentally and physically exhausting.

My partner understood that most days for the first few months I was barely able to find time to make myself a sandwich for lunch let alone take care of the house. Also, I had to get out the house most days to go to baby classes, walks, meet other mums to keep myself sane. I did always try hard to keep on top of the baby’s washing, because I had to make sure they had clean clothes, but there was no expectation to do housework. When my partner got in from work he would take over with baby and I would get some stuff done finally. Then we would both do the bedtime routine before I would put baby to sleep (breastfed and very clingy to mum) while he made a start cooking dinner for us.

The ‘big’ housework jobs like hoovering, cleaning bathroom, all get done at the weekend just like they did when we both worked full time. Except now instead of just sharing these things between us, we share them but one cleans while the other looks after the baby.

My guess is you are getting 6-8 hours of uninterrupted sleep at night, and nice coffee and lunch breaks at work, where you can eat and drink things that are hot and use both hands.
Until your wife is getting the same then you can STFU, and hire a cleaner.