AIBU to expect some housework done during my partner's mat leave?

[Cljw]

My partner is on mat leave, I work full time. Then when i get home, i have to tidy up after her and the mess that has been made throughout the day, do the washing and cooking etc. (Woe is me, i know) but when i voice my feelings regarding this, i get the 'im looking after our child, i dont have time to do any of that.' So AIBU to ask her to do some housework?

Babies are different and some are higher needs than others. Sounds like you had an easier time of it than some. Lucky you.

They ?? Does the baby sleep well ? Do you get up in the night ? Does your partner have Dee time ? Do you do housework while you’re looking after the baby?

She should learn how to tie the baby onto her back. There's a reason women in traditional cultures do this and it's not because they don't know any better!

Typical one sided comments on here as expected. I don't see why she cant do some basic chores whilst with the baby, I wouldn't expect miracles (depending on how baby sleeps during night and naps in day) but basic tidying isn't a big ask....

Looking after a baby is a full time
job, it’s not a relaxing holiday. So when you say you work full time, so does your partner keeping a literal human alive. Not sure about the temperament of your baby but many babies won’t nap in the crib easily so it is hard to put the baby down and get chores done. Sure on a good day you might manage a bit of the basics. But you should be helping with a large chunk of stuff when you get home and at the weekends, yes.

Keeping on top of the chores is a great way to support your partners recovery post partum, again not sure if they are breastfeeding but that’s also a full time hard often relentless job, with no pay. I know I sound blunt here I know it’s hard and you’re tired after work too, but you should do your best to step up for your partner in this way. It’s a short period in the grand scheme of life.

Well you know nothing about my situation, lucky you.

But shit has to get done... It's life. And if you read right I did say I get babies take up time then used the word "most" rather than "all" but then if you read it right you couldn't have jumped up with your irrelevant come back could you.

Seriously my post isn't intended as a shot or to be offensive so stop trying to find offense in it, perhaps you see yourself in it who knows but either way not my issue.

Yes it is like a full time job. But alongside my full time job I have to do house chores...🤷‍♀️
If we all did nothing using the "but I work full time" or "having a baby is a full time job" as the excuse then no one would do anything.

Is it early days/weeks and does baby sleep alot? I didn't get anything dome for the first 3 months as my first born had reflux. First weeks were a hard, he only slept when held, thankfully I had a brilliant HV come round to see us, without asking she recognised the issues we had and recommended treatment. Before her visit I struggled to get changed let alone clean the house or feed myself (that post baby weight fell off!). Luckily for us, reflux and colic started improving after3-4 months so started to be able to get some things done.

Of course the person at home should do housework around the babys needs, might not be perfect but keeping things up together is reasonable expectation.

You know nothing about any other woman's situation either, and yet you seem to imply that just because it was possible for you to keep everything perfect with a newborn around, it should be possible for everyone else. That's pretty judgy.

I'm just telling you that for many women, it wasn't possible, including me. It wasn't that I didn't care or wouldn't try. I tried. I felt horribly guilty that I couldn't cook or clean, that the house was mostly a mess. But it just wasn't possible.

People have different experiences.

I had twins. They rarely napped at the same time, day and night. If I wasn’t dressed by the time my husband left for work, on a bad day, I struggled to find time to dress. I lost so much weight as taking them for walks in the double buggy saved my sanity.

I think it’s a balance that doesn’t always have to be equal. 9-5, you work and your partner keeps your baby alive, outside of those hours you share childcare, chores and leisure time. Going to work, doesn’t mean not having to be an adult when you get home and do chores. Staying at home with a baby is not easy, there will never be a solid 30 mins in the day where you can concentrate on something other than the baby, there’s always interruptions, even if the baby naps. Be kind to each other, this period is tough, work together not against each other.

Its because people on this site hate men even though op hasn't even stated if they're a man or a woman. Yes babies take up a lot of time but not all of your time otherwise how do people think parents with multiple children cope or single parents

How many days have you spent alone with the baby? And how much housework did you manage to get done?

I have 3 boys aged 4 and under..... I have a partner but live alone and my house is tidy and clean. My baby was colicky and my middle is a whirlwind of destruction who barely sleeps. I appreciate everyone copes differently but some basic cleanliness and cooking is manageable

It depends on birth injuries, but yes once she is recovered physically from the childbirth, she should be doing some of the housework while caring for the baby.

The fact she isn’t doing any housework is a sign that she may have post birth depression? Ask her how her day goes? How is she feeling? Does she go out with the baby at all?

Exactly i have 4 and absolutely didn't have the luxury to just sit around doing nothing all day

Wouldn't that be nice 😆

It’s so easy for resentment to build up in those early days of parenthood - you resent her ‘lazing around’ at home and the place still being a tip despite her being home all day, and she probably resents you being able to go out to work where you’re respected and paid well and get to enjoy adult company and lunch breaks. Resentment just breeds unhappiness though - you need to support each other and work as a team and right now she is probably the one most in need of support as her life has changed beyond recognition and she is probably beyond exhausted. Postnatal depression is a very real and serious thing and if she seems like she’s completely changed and is struggling, it’s worth bearing in mind. If you’re not currently taking sole care of the baby sometimes so she can have some time alone, start by doing that first. My first baby woke every 2 hours through the night, screamed every time I put her down, would only nap on me and never for more than 30 minutes, and honestly it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever been through - my house was a mess, I was constantly ill, and yes my partner and I resented each other (I’m sure he also wondered what I was doing all day - the answer was holding a screaming baby and trying to stop her screaming, mopping up sick, changing nappies, and yes sometimes watching ‘homes under the hammer’ in my pyjamas while she breastfeed and was finally quiet for 20 minutes). Be kind to her and tell her you know how hard things are and you appreciate what she’s doing - give lots of love and kindness and you will probably find you start getting more back. These days are hard but short and soon things wil change and get easier.

So when you say you work full time, so does your partner keeping a literal human alive. Not sure about the temperament of your baby but many babies won’t nap in the crib easily so it is hard to put the baby down and get chores done.

My first baby had reflux and colic. I could not put her down at all. So I put her in a baby wrap and then got on the with chores. I could clean, cook, do laundry, take a walk all with her snuggled up against me snoozing away. I could even nurse her in the wrap and only lift her up to my shoulder to get the burps out.

a baby doesn’t make mess. How does the house get messy in the first place? What is your baby like? One of mine wouldn’t be put down so if it’s like this it is challenging to get anything else done. All depends. What was she like before. Any PPD?

her life has changed beyond recognition and she is probably beyond exhausted.

Yes this, don’t underestimate how lack of continuous sleep makes you very zombie. I got things done but it was a bumbling around spot cleaning, doing one room a day. There was no organisation. It was what can I get done in a quarter hour.

Personally yanbu.

I'm currently on mat leave with my 3rd baby and although this one has admittedly been an easy baby in temperament, the size of our family inevitably means there's more mess and more laundry constantly and just generally more chaos!

I've got to get all 3 up and dressed as DP is often gone for work before 6am each day, do the school runs and childminder drop/pick ups. I'm up all night BF on demand, just like I was with baby number 2, and I still manage to function enough to put the laundry on and load the dishwasher.

Yes, maternity leave is for recovery and care of the baby but realistically, even if the baby doesn't nap for long (mine doesn't) it's not impossible to get things done.

I have just finished mat leave. Some days I could get maybe one or two things done, like fill up or empty dishwasher or do some washing but it was very difficult. Some days nothing got done. You’ve got to remember the baby’s needs are constant, they don’t sit and read the paper while you mop the floor. These things are actually very difficult to do, especially if baby is a light sleeper or your wife needs to catch up on sleep. You could support your wife instead?

Every baby is different. My baby struggles with sleep and needs a lot of support even at 6 months. I can very rarely get anything done at nap time.

I consumed a lot of social media content of mum’s doing full room renovation diy projects during nap times and feel sorely cheated! 🤣