AIBU to expect some housework done during my partner's mat leave?

[Cljw]

My partner is on mat leave, I work full time. Then when i get home, i have to tidy up after her and the mess that has been made throughout the day, do the washing and cooking etc. (Woe is me, i know) but when i voice my feelings regarding this, i get the 'im looking after our child, i dont have time to do any of that.' So AIBU to ask her to do some housework?

Really depends, if baby sleeps fairly well at night, can be put down during the day etc then yes I wouldn’t think quite reasonable to get some housework in but not all babies are like that. I’ve had one baby I could probably have managed to WFH and renovate the house at the same time she was so easy but another I struggled to even get the dishwasher unloaded by the end of the day with. I can’t overemphasise how the experience of caring for one baby (or even toddler) and another can be night and day

Every baby is different. Both of my babies were category 10 clingers - I couldn’t put them down or strap them in a carrier, it was incredibly difficult to get anything done. They wouldn’t nap other than contact naps. I am a very active person and I hate it when the house is a mess. My DH looked after the baby for a few months when I went back to work and he found the same issue. We just knew whoever looked after the kids did that and whoever was working outside the house also did majority of the cleaning etc. Often I would get DH to take the baby when he got home so I could do the chores as a break from childcare!

They didn't "manage a few bits in the day" when they were put if the house working so have a long think about why you think you should be doing less.

My DH felt that not enough was being done around the house on my mat leave with our youngest. Then when she was about seven months old, I went back to work and he took over (shared parental leave).

I remember coming home to find the house looking worse than it had when I left, and him saying in astonishment: "You can't do anything! Either you're carrying her, or she's screaming!"

I may have laughed. But I was, and am, so grateful that the SPL opened his eyes to how invisibly hard it is to look after a baby all day.

How old is the baby? It takes months for the body to recover from pregnancy & birth (longer if it was traumatic/injuries), plus add in breastfeeding, waking every 2 hours though the night, having to focus all your energy on keeping a tiny thing alive and happy - it’s absolutely exhausting. That’s before adding in any mental health difficulties like PND/PNA. Maternity leave is for the mother to recover & care for their baby, not housework. Perhaps get a cleaner if it’s bothering you that much.

Really depends on the situation. You haven't given us any information about how many night wakes your partner is doing vs you, or how the baby is. My first would not be put down at all without crying, was waking at most every 1 1/2 hours for the first year of her life. It was torture. My second was a dream by comparison, still poor sleep but happy to be put down, would nap without being held. I got so much more done.

Try taking on all the wakeups and looking after the baby for just one weekend and see how motivated you're feeling at the end.

Instead of making demands about housework why don't you ask your partner how they're feeling? I'm sure they don't want to be living in a shithole either so there is probably a good reason they're not doing much.

I think this is really unfair.
The OP does clean, he cleans the house after work. He comes home to do everything so there is no fear his penis will fall off.
It is exhausting too.
As I commented pages back, DC2 never stopped crying, I couldn’t do much but I brought DC1 to school everyday and fed both children. I couldn’t neglect DC1. It is a difficult life but not impossible, DH was exhausted too, nobody was relaxing.

My husband thought the same then grew up and had since apologised for not realising how hard it is.

Yep of our babies were very high frequency feeders I spent most of my day feeding them when they were little.

He became the main carer during covid and now tells his friends if they moan looking after children of any age isn't as easy as it seems.

Totally dependant on the baby and your partner's situation.

I hate mess but at first (due to a couple of issues) it was so difficult to feed baby and put down, that some days I didn't even get dressed.

OMG same. And I only had one. It felt like he screamed non-stop for ten months. He would also scream if I put him in a buggy; the only times he stopped screaming were when he was (fitfully) sleeping, or tied to my back and I was motion. I have never been so fit.

Different babies are different. Some sleep all the time, others are constantly awake, others cry and fuss a lot. Sometimes they all go through stages where they need to feed all the time. Sometimes they are much happier going out for the day than staying cooped up at home. Sometimes they wake 5+ times a night so mum is exhausted and just about functioning. What's your baby like? Do you know? Have you tried looking after them by yourself? Do you get the opportunity to have a peaceful coffee during your working day? If so suck it up.

I never said it was?

I'm speaking from experience (obviously). My baby hated the carrier and car seat. Would ONLY sleep in my arms or in the buggy. Luckily I have a good and supportive partner who didn't expect me to be a skivvy while looking after the baby 24/7.

He is currently primary carer for her, while I'm at work. The house is always in a mess when I come home, becuase looking after her all day is bloody hard work. I'd probably spend more time tidying than he does but he is doing brilliantly and the last thing I'm going to do is tear him down.

@Cljw - you need to understand that your wife is also working full time; she’s just doing it from home and it’s unpaid. Particularly if she’s up with the baby in the night, she needs to rest when your baby is sleeping, not do housework. As others have suggested, why don’t you do sole childcare for your baby for a day - being properly attentive to your baby’s needs - and see how much housework you get done. Mat leave is for caring for a baby; not doing housework.

Yes I would expect housework to be done . Life
doesnt stop just because she’s had a baby.

is she a first time mum ? These are often the ones who struggle to understand that ! If she had older kids then she will know that the daily grind continues !!

This.

Neither of mine napped independently, but stuff to do, so a lot of the time they napped in the sling when I got on with life.

I did more trapped in the sofa with sleeping baby naps with my first, but very much realised that was a luxury if I was choosing because I could (and then did some chores other times), because that wasn't an option with my second. Same for feeding, it was often breastfeeding in the sling.

What I don't understand is how many women here seem to think it's unreasonable for the new mum to do anything, because even making a cup of tea is impossible, yet when it's your second or beyond, you somehow manage to keep a toddler alive, toileted, fed.

I'm definitely not saying mums should be stuck at home doing the chores, and there were days I didn't do much, but that's because we were out a lot, and I tried to balance that with not leaving everything a complete tip, putting dinner in the slow cooker etc.

Obviously if you're feeling rubbish from the birth, or have PND it's different, and it's important to follow your body. But we have been doing this for thousands of years. In general it doesn't render us incapable of multitasking for months on end.

Ps: c sections mum of non sleeping, contact napping babies, one of which was very colicky.

They? Her and the baby? 🤣

Oh, and I'd be careful with whole 'why doesn't he try it for the day'. When my first was about 4 days old, my husband got up with the baby sneakily to let me sleep, blitzed the entire kitchen and cooked me breakfast in bed whilst baby slept in the sling.

I struggled on maternity leave looking after baby and me (birth was traumatic and I had injuries to manage).
My hormones were shot to bits.
I was sleep deprived.
Housework was the last thing on my mind. I did manage to get clothes washing done, dishes in dish washer, kitchen surfaces were clean and tidied baby gear away, but dusting and floor cleaning (unless there was a spill) got left.

The amount of time you have with a young child is very limited.

She has had a full on day. The time when baby naps is catch up time and she will often need a nap too.

Maybe you could ask her to do a specific task, like tidying up or clothes washing so it's easier for you when you get home to focus on tea.

It won't be long before she should be able to find time.

Carry on doing what you can.

It's very nice of PPs to give examples of their own experience of mat leave with a baby. To @Cljw who so couldn't give a fuck that they don't give basic info such as the age of the child.

You do not sound like a kind and understanding husband.

If you run your finger along a surface to show the dust and feel some huge sense of entitlement or even envy of your wife just because you go out to work and she's at home taking it easy in your eyes, this is bad news for your family. Exh was like this and much worse.

Utter empathy bypass and huge male entitlement.

You need honest and open communication. Is she struggling? Is the baby not sleeping? Lots of partners take the baby the moment they get home so the Mum can get a shower and have a few mins to herself.

I've been a single mum since before my child was two. Let me tell you, the days when all I do is go to work (when ex has our son...when I am not on leave ....which is very rare).... It's life on absolute easy mode. I can never believe how easy it feels.

If you love your wife and child, give your head a wobble and have an honest chat without judgement. You need to pull together. Honestly, two of you.. shouldn't be hard. Some of us had to do the whole lot alone.

Just to add, my husband did half of the nights with my bottle fed baby (properly half, not just being up when he would have been anyway), and did as much as he could with my breast fed baby.

So I'm coming at this from the assumption that your a decent dad and taking on 50% if the babywork when you're not at work! If not, that's the first thing to sort out.

It’s not such a simple binary, or about priorities but individual circumstances.

What you’re describing in terms of birth injury sounds difficult. I had an emergency c section and basically ignored quite a lot of the medical advice so I could get out straight away on long walks with my baby so that he would fall asleep in the pram and I could try to manage my mental health a bit. However, as we will both know well, these things can be very limiting at the start. It’s worth being aware though that for a lot of women the lack of time/capacity to do things continues for other reasons.

I’ve spent a lot of time on the sofa, for example, but not through choice - my baby is an absolute monster feeder and even now at seven months can have feeds that last up to two hours. He’s also a big contact napper so it’s rare that he ‘goes down’ for a nap separately to me. This is incredibly difficult for me because I have ADHD so sitting still for so long is tortuous. I would love to get more done and race around in the very short windows that I do have - but I would never judge anyone who uses that time for basic self care or recuperation.

Everything that I get done during the day is now done while I supervise him playing, but he needs a lot of direct input with that too and I can’t do anything at more than a 10-15 minute stretch.

It’s worth being aware as well that breastfed babies tend to have longer feeds and sleep less deeply than formula fed babies so a breastfeeding mother might have (a) worse nights and need to catch up nap during the day (though I’ve never been able to do this myself because of contact napping) and (b) longer/more frequent feeds and less time to get things done.

I think atm you are at work and DP is caring for small baby. They both keep you busy so chores should be shared. It isnt unreasonable for you to do some tidying cleaning or cooking but it would be unreasonable for you to do it all.

If your complaining sometimes theres a mess YABU. If youre complaining theres always a mess and its always left to you YANBU to expect your DP to do a share.

Presumably you managed to lookafter yourself and the house around work before you had a baby @Cljw . WTF would you expect our workload to decrease after you decide to become a parent? Would you expect someone working a night shift with caring responsibilities at home to get all the housework done?

Fundamentally, it is a major breach of trust for you to suddenly assume that your OH, who was presumably also working and looking after herself and house prior to having a baby, has suddenly become a lazy sponger.

If you want to maintain this relationship, you need to trust your partner. You assume that they are trying their best and roll your sleeves to share the load when you get home.

Not sure if this has been asked? How old is the baby?