AIBU to expect some housework done during my partner's mat leave?

[Cljw]

My partner is on mat leave, I work full time. Then when i get home, i have to tidy up after her and the mess that has been made throughout the day, do the washing and cooking etc. (Woe is me, i know) but when i voice my feelings regarding this, i get the 'im looking after our child, i dont have time to do any of that.' So AIBU to ask her to do some housework?

How do you know what she is or isn't able to do while looking after her baby? And why is it so important to you that OP doesn't have to wash probably a plate and a couple of mugs when he gets home.

Well we can only go by what OP says which is she doesn’t have time, and going by that i call bull, going by 9-5 job thats 8 hours- she can’t find 20 minutes to do some housework? Even if its just clear her own mess? which surely just her isn’t much, cup, plate, utensils- takes 2 mins to wash up, put some laundry in the washing machine and turn it on-5 mins, pick up a few bits n bobs-5 mins, so 12mins and she can’t find that?

What do you mean by "housework" How much "mess" can there be if she is at home with one baby. It is probably a plate and a couple a mugs from lunch. He doesn't need to do her laundry either.

I know. I think people are reading a different post from the OP sometimes

Upthread it was even said that a woman shouldn't have to peel spuds if she had a disturbed night sleep. 9 years that I've been peeling spuds unnecessarily it seems 😂

I'm not sure what we are supposed to do if both of us have a disturbed night sleep, which happens fairly often. I guess we sit and starve in squalor!

It's not unfair for me to be concerned about how she'd manage a second, if even putting the dishwasher on occasionally is impossible for her. Toddlers require a lot more work than that (potentially far more than a newborn, depending on your perspective).

So if the op returns and says that he doesn't have the time either because he works, we should equally take that at face value and believe him?

Or does benefit of the doubt only work one way?

@Avie29
What he said is very little and missing a lot of relevant information, hence why it's an absolute disgrace that women have been so quick to pile on and berate and degrade this woman.

She could well have said she couldn't because she was so tired and in pain etc etc and he said well I'm tired too and have a bad back and blah blah and he could have insisted it's her job to do because she has more time, to which she responded that she doesn't have time...we literally don't know but you're acting like you know everything from a few short sentences.

Maybe she does clear up after herself sometimes earlier in the day, OP only sees what's there when he gets home.

When I went on mat leave I thought I would essentially be a housewife for the time I was off and keep the house clean and tidy and make dinner. The reality was very different. My baby didnt nap in their cot and I was on demand all the time and didnt even get a chance to shower some days. I hated the mess too but I just couldn't manage it all. So I understand why you think the way you do but the reality of being at home with a baby that isn't an 'easy baby' is very different.

Perhaps she would have a cleaner. Anyway, why would she necessarily have a newborn when the first was a toddler? Perhaps the first would be at school. Who knows?

In the case of a woman on maternity leave, after carrying a baby, giving birth to that baby and who is recovering from the pregnancy I am far more inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt.

But if he says he can't do it either then as I said earlier they will possibly need to outsource it, what I don't agree with it is him deciding it's her job to do it and trying to dictate to her. If they both don't have time to do it why is it decided that it's the mothers fault?

Absolutely the first might be at school, but that still means school runs, homework, cooking and cleaning after child, often still disturbed nights, . It's not like they suddenly raise themselves when they're 5.

If this woman truly has absolutely zero capacity to do anything other than care for her baby, and what some people have been suggesting on here, then she wouldn't be able to care for her 5yo either. If she had twins, she wouldn't be able to manage both.

How can you outsource all the tidying, laundry, cooking etc? Unless someone has a daily housekeeper, it's impossible.

In that case the OP probably couldn't manage a second either if they're already complaining about the extra work load when their first is still only a baby.

No i am not i am reading the OP and going by what has been said, he has to do all the housework after being at work all day, and after voicing that she could do some housework she has said she doesn’t have time, my argument is that out of the 480mins (assuming 8 hour work day)he is not there she can’t find 15 to get a few things done or clean up after herself?

Perhaps OP would be doing school runs. Maybe he would even be doing the parental leave. Or maybe they would have a nanny or a au pair. Who knows.

Fair enough. Perhaps they are both pretty incompetent.

Are you saying though, when you had a baby, you couldn't do anything else at all? How does that even work? I just don't get it. I find it utterly baffling.

Maybe the spare 15 minutes would be better spent having a cup of tea and a rest than doing housework. Housework can be shared with OP in the evening or weekend.

Its not being shared though thats the point. Going by OP he does all the housework including cleaning up her mess she has made throughout the day and cooking dinner, thats not shared.

He hasn't said she doesn't do any housework ever. He has just said she doesn't do any when at home with the baby by herself because she doesn't have time.

Maternity leave is to look after and bond with baby.

It is not "stay at home mum" leave. She isn't any more responsible for the household than you are. If she is living in mess, get her help. Support her. Talk kindly to her and make sure she isn't suffering from post partum depression.

She is exhausted, sore and overwhelmed. You got to sit at a desk and your biggest decision was what to have for lunch.

Stop viewing her as lazy and yourself as a martyr.

Have you read the OP?
“Then when i get home, i have to tidy up after her and the mess that has been made throughout the day, do the washing and cooking etc.”
he is saying he gets home and has to tidy up after her AND the mess that has been made during the day so no she is not doing homework in the evenings either.

No I was able to manage but I had easy babies, and I know that just because I managed does not mean that everyone else can manage, even if plenty who have difficult babies or recovery periods could, so I think it's disgusting how people are talking about this woman.

And I did it because I wanted to, I didn't think it was my job to, and if my ex had tried to tell me to do it that would have been a different story.

If he is only tidying "mess" from her day, what tidying can he be doing beyond a bit of washing up? That isn't all the housework. For all we know she may be do loads of housework at the weekends if he is looking after the baby then too.

No, that's not what the post says. You're just making things up now.

You don't think it's your job to put your cup in the dishwasher or put away a bit of laundry (which includes your own clothes).

Arguably you are making things up at least extrapolating.