AIBU to expect some housework done during my partner's mat leave?

[Cljw]

My partner is on mat leave, I work full time. Then when i get home, i have to tidy up after her and the mess that has been made throughout the day, do the washing and cooking etc. (Woe is me, i know) but when i voice my feelings regarding this, i get the 'im looking after our child, i dont have time to do any of that.' So AIBU to ask her to do some housework?

Op said he has to tidy up the mess she has left during the day.
Not unreasonable to expect her not to leave a trail of destruction everywhere she goes or if she does spend a few minutes clearing it up.
Women have toiled in fields with newborns for millennia but apparently these days it’s too taxing and extremely unreasonable to ask for a cup to be washed because it’s ‘sooooo hard’

My first baby….it was easy to find the time, he slept well, generally a chilled baby. My second however was awful, recovering from a section, a worse than colic baby (think 24/7 screaming), a true Velcro baby who I couldn’t put in a carrier comfortably and who gave me tinnitus from the excessive screaming. I wasn’t ever able to prepare a lunch, I could only graze with the use of my one free arm, toilet breaks were near non existent if I was alone, sleepless nights……it was so horrendous I used to beg my husband to not go to work.

there is no one rule fits all….i would suggest dad takes baby for a day if possible and see how easy/hard it can be? Until he can experience a full day himself he cannot dictate what he deems possible. But also the young hard baby days will not last forever, it gets so much easier as baby grows up, even with work for her in the mix. Work was the break I needed to feel like me again and destress. Having the baby was far far harder than my ridiculously intense job with long 12 hours days.

im also pretty sure her living in a messy house is getting to her too! The overwhelm can be paralysing too.

I'm currently on mat leave with a newborn and some days I manage to run a hoover round, maybe even mop, other days I barely have time to pee. It depends on how much baby wants to feed, how bad his reflux is and how tired I am too, as well as whether we have anything planned for the day - be that medical appointments or just getting out the house to meet a friend or to go to the shops etc.

I will say that mat leave is a million times harder than working, although I appreciate this may depend on your job. But when I was working, even on the busiest days I would be able to pee whenever I wanted and make a few hot drinks. Most days, I got time to have a quick lunch, maybe even a walk and a bit of a chat/laugh with other adults at points throughout the day. And even if I worked a long day, I still got to clock off eventually and have an uninterrupted night's sleep and some time alone, even if only when commuting or for an hour before bed.

First four months I probably didn't get much done. Couldn't really even sit comfortably for over a month. After that I did do cooking/housework with the baby in a sling.

Then the baby learned to crawl, then walk, then to move things. After that the house did start looking a bit like a bomb site. She sees it as her mission to redistribute items/put stuff in weird places so that it takes ages to find. Idk, maybe other babies aren't like this.

You fool, most women on this site hate men. There is no reason why your wife can’t help some. She had a baby, babies nap.

@FancyGoose Some days at work I did not have time to eat or pee and I was running from place to place to get things done. Still easier than taking care of (my) six month old. I knew what was expected of me and no one was screaming in my face the whole day. It did get increasingly easier after about eight months.

I mean, not all babies nap. And some babies only nap if you're holding them, or walking with them in a carrier or pram. Hard to cook when you're doing loops of the park.

If she's doing all the night wakings, she'll be knackered in the day.

Was she always like this?

If the answer is no, you know why she's not doing housework, so stop moaning, be glad she's looking after your baby and in a few months time review the situation.

Like what?

You’ve given absolutely no examples.

Do you mean a few pots and bottles that need washing up and sterilising?

Or do you mean mountains of mess, stuff everywhere, dirt and dust?

What is baby like? Are they very settled or are they colicky and crying most of the day?

If the baby only sleeps on her, or in a moving buggy?

Seriously????

Your poor partner, she can do so much better.

Do you know how hard it is to look after a baby all day every day and still look after yourself? Some days I don’t even remember to brush my teeth or have a drink of water. My baby is 12 weeks old and we’ve had a cleaner since 8 weeks PP, and she’s a relatively easy baby compared to most. Before baby came along my house was a show home, in those 8 weeks PP I probably gave the toilet a wipe over once, hence hiring a cleaner. You should pick up the slack when you get in from work, if she has to work 24/7, so do you.

OP be more specific. How old is baby? What's baby's temporament? How often have you cared for your baby alone? Do you give your DW any completely uninterupted free time during the evenings or weekends and visa versa? What exactly is DW not doing that his lordship requires done? If you skirt around these questions then people will assume that it's because you lack the cognition or empathy to put yourself in your wife's or your baby's shoes and consider these things or worse you have considered these things and realise how self-indulged you're being but don't care. All you're posting is rage bait if you won't justify yourself.

OP you haven't answered the question about how often you've looked after the baby for a whole day and whether the house is spotless or not at the end of the day?

Nice to be you then.

Some babies need a lot of attention/distraction/care. Not everyone's life is the same.

I assume these are both men who never looked after the baby alone.

Yeah right - if you say so, it must be true.

Utter bollocks

I had 2 babies 14 months apart and they both had colic. Try that on for size and see much precious housework you get done while they 'nap' - clue NONE.

Fortunately for me I didn't marry an arsehole and he could understand without anyone spelling it out that it was hard work. He would help with stuff the moment he walked in, and certainly did not whinge about the house not being tidy.

When the babies were very new they took up most of my time, but by the time they were three months old I had plenty of time to do basic housework - hoovering, laundry, loading the dishwasher, cooking. To some extent it depends on the baby. My first was incredibly needy, didn't sleep, and screamed a LOT if he wasn't contact with me and in motion. I learned how to tie him onto my back, and then with 2 hands free I was able to get on with things. It felt good to regain some normality.

If your wife is full time caring for your child, you are full time earning a living to support all three of you.

I think you have to look at how much house work you get done when you’ve had the baby all day alone. That will be a clear measure to you of what’s reasonable.

Are you planning to take parental leave alone when she’s back at work/as a split?

Do you honestly think she’s being lazy and just doing nothing housework wise, or could it be that she’s in the trenches with looking after the baby or exhausted from being up in the night? I don’t know the answer but you should or will if you walk a day in her shoes to find out - it would be simple for you to do that over say a weekend, there’s a bank holiday coming up.

My partner and I both work full time and contribute to doing stuff at home. Same for maternity leave. I looked after the baby and still did stuff at home just like I do when working and the other half contributed when they were home.

I could not imagine being home all day and doing nothing around the house. I get babies can take up time but mostly people get times they can do stuff just like when we work and come home we have to do stuff.

Seems odd to me as are all those who spend absolutely every minute tending to the baby and doing nothing else but then I never allowed my life to be that I guess. We are all different but both adults should be contributing to household chores. A baby isn't a terminal illness or a disability it absolutely is possible to function around one.

I would like to know this. Yet it still is nowhere near the same. He didn’t go through pregnancy, his body isn’t in recovery from child birth, can’t breast feed and therefore looking after a baby for a day should in comparison be a doddle.

Take a few days off and have the baby on your own for a while. Come back and report your findings.

Having a tiny baby consumes a great deal of time and energy. I couldn't put my daughter down or leave her anywhere for the first few months, she would cry and scream if I went away but was perfectly calm if I held/fed her. She fed 6 times a night and I dealt with all the night wakings so when she napped, I napped. I couldn't even go to the toilet without holding her. Showers were 30 seconds long. On a lot of days, it was difficult to even manage to get dressed.
Yes, YABU.