AIBU to think my children would not care about £7 maintenance?

[SquishmallowsS]

AIBU to think my kids wouldn’t care if I cancelled £7 a week child maintenance?

My ex pays £7 a week maintenance for our children because he’s been on benefits for the last 10 years. Sometimes it’s even been nothing because of debts being taken from his benefits first.

I’m honestly tempted to cancel it because the amount feels more insulting than helpful. £7 a week between more than one child barely covers anything these days.

I mentioned this before and people said my kids would be upset in future if they found out I’d cancelled it. But I genuinely can’t imagine children growing up and being angry that their mum didn’t pursue £7 a week from their dad. Who even discusses those details with their children anyway? Apparently they will ‘resent’ me. I wouldn’t think most single parents even discuss maintenance with their children but perhaps i’m wrong?

I could understand it if we were living in real poverty and that £7 meant the difference between having food in the cupboard, the electric staying on, or being able to buy essentials. In those circumstances I can see why a child might later feel differently. Equally, if it was hundreds of pounds a month and the children genuinely missed out on things because that money wasn’t being paid, then I can understand why they might care as adults. But if their needs were otherwise taken care of and they had a stable upbringing, I honestly don’t see most children caring that their mum stopped chasing £7 a week.

Also, my own mum never claimed maintenance for me because my father wasn’t around, and I honestly don’t care. I never went without anything growing up, so it’s never been something I’ve felt upset or deprived about.

AIBU to think most kids wouldn’t care about this?

I understand why you feel it's a pathetic amount however I would feel disappointed if I found out my father had been contributing some money that could have been invested to give me some financial security when I needed it. Car insurance is not cheap so having something to contribute towards it will help. If you don't need the money and you are able to set aside the extra ~£30 a month for savings then do that.

I completely understand why you are frustrated but the money is to support your children and I agree £7 a week doesn't come close to that but it is something long-term. I also wouldn't frame it as the savings have come from the absent father. You made the decision to save for their future by giving them everything you had day to say. Also if he's on benefits, it's not his money anyway. He'll be receiving a little less which I'd personally rather go into my children's pocket than his.

There’s nothing stopping him from saving it? Why would you be mad at your mum for your father not saving the money?

From what you've described he sounds like a selfish, inconsiderate person and is unlikely to save any money for children has no contact with. If he did save it, do you think he would had over hundreds of pounds to his children later in life and even if he did. Would you want that? A Dad who swoops in when they are learning to drive, or need kit for college or support at University of that's the path they decide. Wouldn't you rather the money came from you through your resilience and hard work? You are paying everything every day. You are taking, as you rightly said, a pathetic amount of money and turning it into something usable for their future.

Alternatively you don't need to give it to them as a lump sum, you could put it towards a bigger holiday in the future for you to make memories.

You are the one grafting every day so you are right to feel it's an insult but I personally would rather it in my pocket than his

ITs clear that you dont actually want advice.

You dont want to discuss why you are so angry and why you think cancelling it is a good idea. I think all you wanted was people to back you up.
So I am out.

I genuinely wish you well.

The previous thread was exactly the same.

I would keep taking it as im sure it pisses him off every month, stupid man.

It can be for either of those things. Nothing is set in stone. One year's contribution is about the same as my last laptop purchase, which might be useful. Obviously your call.

FGS woman, I’ve given an answer to your question on a public forum. If you made your mind up just crack on with it.

100%

I get the bitterness but why confront strangers over the internet each time an answer is given that she doesn’t like. >shakes head and walks away<

I don’t get this post… you ask if your children would care or resent it but then you say nobody discusses maintenance with their kids so you have no intention telling them. So …. Why ask? You already decided what you’re doing and what is the ‘right’ answer here. And as for other threads mentioning £250 and nobody telling them to save it etc. We all agree that £7 is pathetic. We all do. It’s just that other posters are not asking if they should cancel it- if they did they would be told they are ridiculous!

This. Make it useful for them for the future, very little helps.

We could all agree that £7 is not enough but YOU are saying you will cancel it. Nobody says it should be used for savings but if you are thinking of cancelling it you may as well put it in savings if it doesn’t make any difference in your day to day expenses. I don’t get your hostility at all.

I'd still keep it ticking over. The money is for the kids, not for you.
However, we're abroad and I don't really need to do any "chasing". Ex is currently in arrears (because he is clinging to the ridiculous idea of UK child maintenance and the seemingly quite lax enforcement system...it's very different here) and the court will dock his pay once we get to it. I'm financially independent enough to not need "his" money, but I'm also required by law to pursue child maintenance for my children. Luckily, I'm in no hurry...so he can just piss the court off. He'll have to pay all of it, including interest, eventually. In the UK, he'd pay about £400 a month. Here, he's liable for about 1.2k.

I think you need to ask yourself if cancelling it is for your benefit or your children’s.

I got that from the first few responses too. Didn’t actually want any advice at all. She wanted sympathy. She’s not the first in this situation and sadly won’t be the last. There are too many men who have the lowest of standards and create families when they should have said no because they know they’re selfish and would be a shit parent. Honesty rather than the heartbreak of all these mums and kids would be way better down the line. It’s disgusting how these loser fathers behave. The lowest of the low in my opinion. I wonder what childhoods they had.

OP take the money, don’t take the money. Get yourself some therapy to have some closure. This loser doesn’t care about his and yours children at all. That’s the big message he’s sending you a big FU I’m afraid. Sadly too Amy mothers don’t see what terrible men these are. If these men have no values, no real interest in children (ie go along with it or let themselves get persuaded), are selfish. Don’t have children with them. They have issues and are not mature enough to have a family and be a good role model and once children arrive it gets 10 times worse as children are hard work.

Won’t make a difference to them as their life will be the same if I claim it or not. I have my own savings for them.

Well do what you must. No one here is going to change your mind.

I agree. I have no idea why OP created a thread other than to rant (not unjustifiable). There is zero point in offering advice/opinions as OP sounds as angry at the responders as she does her ex. 🤷‍♀️

You shouldn’t be grateful, it’s a pathetic amount of money and goes no way towards supporting your children. But I’d stick it in a stocks and shares ISA and it could be worth a few grand. I’d also tell the kids it came from you and that their loser dad contributed 1.5 school lunches a week, if it ever came to that being an appropriate conversation

I would not cancel it, because it's £7 a week that he is worse off, so that for me would be the win.
He has children, he needs to acknowledge this, even if the amount he has to pay is ridiculous

So not only on benefits- he gets additional disability benefits by frauding the system. What a fucking pointless human being on all levels. I understand you want no link to him whatsoever.

My dad got away with not paying until I was about 14 and CMS made him pay £3.50 a week. Mum told me - I knew he didn't pay - and we had a laugh about how pointless that amount of money was and how he puts in so much effort to avoid CMS. I don't think I should have known quite as much as I did about the finances but honestly when I found out it was so little I was shocked and it made me think less of my dad. We are NC now.

OP, I would keep getting the money but not chasing it. I like the idea of buying yourself a £7 treat each week 💜

yeah- the OP could buy herself of prosecco every week and toast herself that she is rid of such a waste of space. That's what I'd do.

Ex def resents paying and tells me every month how skint he is - so I will always accept the £7 a week. Whoop / as over the month that’s £28 less for him

oh and to add / he sends me a txt each month to say he’s paid - I just thumbs up on it