AIBU to think my children would not care about £7 maintenance?

[SquishmallowsS]

AIBU to think my kids wouldn’t care if I cancelled £7 a week child maintenance?

My ex pays £7 a week maintenance for our children because he’s been on benefits for the last 10 years. Sometimes it’s even been nothing because of debts being taken from his benefits first.

I’m honestly tempted to cancel it because the amount feels more insulting than helpful. £7 a week between more than one child barely covers anything these days.

I mentioned this before and people said my kids would be upset in future if they found out I’d cancelled it. But I genuinely can’t imagine children growing up and being angry that their mum didn’t pursue £7 a week from their dad. Who even discusses those details with their children anyway? Apparently they will ‘resent’ me. I wouldn’t think most single parents even discuss maintenance with their children but perhaps i’m wrong?

I could understand it if we were living in real poverty and that £7 meant the difference between having food in the cupboard, the electric staying on, or being able to buy essentials. In those circumstances I can see why a child might later feel differently. Equally, if it was hundreds of pounds a month and the children genuinely missed out on things because that money wasn’t being paid, then I can understand why they might care as adults. But if their needs were otherwise taken care of and they had a stable upbringing, I honestly don’t see most children caring that their mum stopped chasing £7 a week.

Also, my own mum never claimed maintenance for me because my father wasn’t around, and I honestly don’t care. I never went without anything growing up, so it’s never been something I’ve felt upset or deprived about.

AIBU to think most kids wouldn’t care about this?

If he's on benefits, isn't it the taxpayer paying it?
And I'm not, in any way, criticising people who are on benefits for genuine reasons. I wouldn't want to live in a country which didn't have a welfare system. My point is that you seem to be asking if your children will be annoyed that their dad isn't paying for them?

It doesn’t really matter where the money comes from, thats how much he is ordered to pay and yes people have said on this thread they’d be resentful lf the parent didnt claim it.

No, definitely not. My ex was a gambler and ran up a lot of debt so didn’t contribute at all when the kids were younger. However he was there for them as a dad and so they didn’t need to know, still don’t know, about our financial arrangements when they were children.

A couple thousand each plus interest as a young adult starting out would be helpful and wanted by many. I would rather have had it than not. Yes it sucks but you could always save it for them and give them the choice, or use it for a car repair/something fun/whatever.

Well its about £350 a year. If there's another 5 years to go thats £1750. Not a bad gift split between them on their 18th birthdays. Im sure theyd rather have it than not.

The amount of people that think child maintenance is meant to be saved as a lump sum to give them as adults is astonishing. It’s for the upbringing and daily living costs not for a lump sum as adults. It’s child maintenance not adult maintenance.

Your children won’t care at all.

But I think you’re causing yourself unnecessary stress by caring about these payments so much yourself.

Yoir ex is a write-off. That’s the way it is and you can’t change it. Don’t let the payments feel so meaningful.

It’s free money. Take it and save it for your kids. You don’t have to declare it as some great “gift from Dad” when you hand it over. Just say “unfortunately the money your father could afford to send you was so minuscule that it would have made no impact on a day-to-day basis. So I saved it up and now it’s a small lump sum.”

No one is saying you should be grateful. No one is saying £7 a month is remotely reasonable or adequate. No one is saying what a great father he is.

You’ve been completely done over and have every right to feel bitter, angry and want to cut off all contact with such a useless irresponsible man. However, posters are just saying you might as well take the little that he’s giving you because it can be of some use.

I know that’s hard for you because I guess you taking the money is like you accepting that this measly amount is ok. Like accepting that it’s perfectly reasonable for an adult man with multiple kids to get away with only paying out £28 a month. What on earth would he do if he had custody and actually had to pay for them all of them day in day out?

Ultimately it’s a really shit situation that you’re having to bear the brunt of. Only you can decide if you want to continue accepting that insulting amount of money. It’s not enough and it IS like he’s getting away with it but maybe if you can save it and treat yourself and/or family to something with it each year at least you get something out of it.

If I saved it I wouldn’t tell them it was his money at all. So dads pays for driving lessons or holidays when they are adults? Nah

People are more suggesting is as something Op could do with it if she wants the pride of being able to say she raised the kids without his help or money.

Personally I think she should mentally ear mark it for something she grudges spending money on, but something she needs.

However I think the emails upset her more than the money

We had an equally a**whole birth mum paying £5 a week …. I truly understand where you’re coming from however it annoyed her much more giving that than us receiving so we kept the claim open! She hadn’t declared a few things and payments went up much to her horror so jobs got given up so she didn’t have to pay more than the £5 🙄.
kids know how much she paid, know it was a pittance and also understand it didn’t even pay for a cinema ticket. 1 is no contact, 1 is minimal…
keep it open! Pop in a separate account and at some point what’s there will or could pay towards a family holiday or something and they don’t even need to know where the funds came from 😊

It's still money, whatever it is. I don't see the problem with putting it into an account for them to spend on themselves when they are older.

You don't have to say it was the money from their dad
But it's better in your childs pocket than his. His £7 per week doesn't go anywhere to supporting them, no-one is saying it is
Ultimately you need to either decide to cancel cms because you're getting so annoyed or decide what to do with the money. Those are your choices, you need to pick one and stop giving it so much head space

I really do sympathise but the fact is that however little it is, it is still money in your pocket. I genuinely dont understand the on going anger.

He is a loser. He is the man living on the bare minimum when he retires, with no contact with his kids and almost certainly on his own and lonely. He is a joke.

Why so much anger? Would it not be better for your MH to come to peace with what a loser he is and how much better you are doing. As the saying goes, the best revenge is a life well lived. You have that, he doesnt. You won.

It’s not a question of whether it’s supposed to be saved, it's what posters are saying they would do in your specific situation as you say you don’t need the money yourself.

Is it £28 a month per child? Why not just put into their Bank account?

it all addd up over time doesn’t it?

What makes you assume he is alone and lonely? I suspect he has a new partner and probably other kids.

No it’s for all of them.

He is a disgrace

Many years ago, ex-H was in receipt of means-tested benefits and was supposed to give me £5 a week for our two DC. I don't think I ever got it! Can't remember now why I never chased it.

^
Plus it’s the principle.

I dont assume that he is now, but I suspect that he will be eventually because people like this dont change.

You seem so angry and bitter. Why is that? I felt that for a while with my ex but not for 10 years. Its an awfully long time to hang on to that resentment. There comes a time to draw a line under things and move on.

And I stand by what I said that cancelling the claim is just helping him out. Its like stamping on your own foot and expecting him to get a broken toe.

It might have minimal impact but it is symbolic and that might mean something to them as they get older. Save it away and every few months get a takeaway or like others suggest stick in a high interest account for when they get older.

The money is far less relevant than the principal. While they might not care if you cancel it, when they’re older and asking their dad why he didn’t contribute and he says you stopped the money, that may have an emotional bearing on your relationship with them not his.

Ultimately it’s their money, they’re owed it for their care and upkeep from their father. It may not be much help but it’s something and that something might just be important to them as they start to understand dynamics better.

No, I think most kids would be happy to get something from DF no matter the relationship. Put it into savings for them, it all adds up.

Just put it in their junior isas