OH wants custody of baby niece?

[milkshakess]

So OH's younger sister has recently had a baby and there is possibility that the baby may end up in care.

She already has an 18 year olds on who has lived with their mum since he was 8.

She dips in and out of his life, she even forgot his last birthday, she hasn't really been a mum to him at all. Despite this he has turned out to be a lovely, smart and hard working lad.

Everyone was so surprised by the pregnancy.

From what we understand she was kept in hospital for 2 weeks whilst some kind of team were getting stuff ready for the baby.

I think the hospital staff were monitoring and observing her interact with the baby and something must of been flagged?

Her mum has sold her house and was due to move abroad in September but she had been visiting her and the baby at the hospital daily and helping.

OH isn't really close to his sister but he is close to her son, he calls OH the "best uncle" as him and the other uncles have all chipped into help raise him.
OH would sometimes not see his sister for years and she was always changing her number and would have to talk to her though her son.

Anyway the family don't want the baby to end up in care but everyone has young kids themselves ( we have toddlers and are trying for a 3rd).

OH wants to go for custody but the care would really fall on me and I work from home and have a very flexible job.

Just wanted input on the situation as OH and the family don't want the baby to go into care

It's more about who's got the right to it in the event of a split.

If they were married, OP would have the right to have her reduced work capacity due to childcare commitments taken into account in the financial settlement. This doesn't apply to unmarried couples, and it's a great deal harder to get a financial order in those circumstances.

An unmarried partner reducing their income to look after a child is usually taking a bigger risk than a married one in that situation if all else were comparable.

@mnhq can the OP not be edited in cases like this seeing as people are reading thr first post only and replying re adoption. This baby is not available for adoption by OP or anyone, the mother has asked her brother to help her and he in turn has asked his GF to babysit/help out. It doesnt even seem SS are particularly worried (was she kept in hospital for monitoring due to her past MH issues)?

Did the mum have addiction issues during the pregnancy? That would be a massive consideration for me and my family.

Yes but that's not what this comment or indeed thread are about. People make such wild leaps.

I reckon op mentioned the wanting a girl as its a stick her partner is using.

Look here is a ready made daughter to raise for my sister. Who will decide to play mummy some times while you do all the grunt work.

Have a read about kinship care, which is what this would be. There are charities that specialise in the area and you would need advice on what funding the LA will provide (usually on the basis that if you weren't caring for her the child would be in care) and eventually on the most appropriate final order - Special Guardianship / adoption. Adoption may not be right because it would make her uncle her father.

The child will need one home (maybe two thinking about how divorced parents manage). Help from the other siblings could reasonably be financial. Childcare support/ evening babysitting from them might also be useful. But if she's living with you long term you and your partner will need to be her parents.

Because if they split its OP left with the financial and career hit. For her own children she may think that's a risk worth taking, but its another level to expect her to do it so she can babysit for her partners sisters baby.

Hmmm, OP and DPs marital status is in fact very much part of the picture here. OP hasn't addressed the point yet, but it's something she needs to be aware of, especially if not married.

It’s not as simple as that. OP has said mum wants to keep the baby and will dip in and out of the child’s life. As OP has young children social services might decide to have the baby adopted. So if they do take the baby in instead of foster a carer they will bond with that baby only for her to be taken away.

It happened with a friend of mine. One of the older grandchildren she had in her care has special needs. So they let her live with grandmother and half siblings for 2 years. When it became obvious the child has no SEN they pushed for adoption.

I know a lady and her brother and his wife were killed in a car crash and the baby in the back in the baby seat survived.
She had 2 kids and was 3 months pregnant at
the time but but they took the baby on and baby became part of their family. Their own baby arrived and they have 4 kids now and they’re a great family and you’d never know that this little boy had different parents he looks very similar to his cousins.

If anything happened to my sister and her husband then I would absolutely raise her 2 kids no way would they be going into care.

If you legally adopt you get adoption leave and time out as such - and nothing to stop you ttc it could potentially take a bit of time and If not they’d be lovely little playmates together.

I know a lady and her brother and his wife were killed in a car crash and the baby in the back in the baby seat survived.
She had 2 kids and was 3 months pregnant at
the time but but they took the baby on and baby became part of their family. Their own baby arrived and they have 4 kids now and they’re a great family and you’d never know that this little boy had different parents he looks very similar to his cousins.

If anything happened to my sister and her husband then I would absolutely raise her 2 kids no way would they be going into care.

If you legally adopt you get adoption leave and time out as such - and nothing to stop you ttc it could potentially take a bit of time and If not they’d be lovely little playmates together.

Given that the OH's plan is for the OP to do most of the grunt work around raising this child, and she presently does most of the grunt work for their own two children, I suspect him leaving her to care for his sister's baby full-time and also having his children 50% of the time is a bit of a non-starter.

'op hasn't addressed the point yet' rather backs up my point that for her this isn't what the thread is about.
Only on Mumsnet do people live with this perpetual notion that every unmarried mother will absolutely split from their OH and be destitute.

And she will resent him.
babies will not be bounced between foster homes.

If it is decicided that it is nor safe for your neice to stay with her mum, children's services will look to assess friends and family. Should you and partner decide you would be assessed, you will have a very thorough assessment and you will be told why baby cant live with mum. If you are not keen/ unsure/ undecided, the assessing social worker will tease that out of you. You will be being assessed to care for this baby until she is 18 years old. You should be offered legal advice, take this. Dependant on your local authority, you are unlikely to get fostering payments and you will have the same responsibilities that you do for your own children.

For clarity, they can't legally adopt their niece. It would be special guardianship and there is no legal right to SG leave.

‘Relationship’

I'm a therapist working in the states. Studies show that the best care is with biological family. The foster system here is rife with abuse, so if the care there is the same, I'd push to delay my own third kid and see this one as our "third". But that's me. If this would build resentment, then that's not the right call for you and that's ok!

As a 5 week old baby your niece would probably be in a foster to adopt situation. Or only fostered for a short time before being adopted. And contact is encouraged.
(I adopted and our child comes with a whole set of aunties, uncles, cousins and grandparents that we see regularly.)
The adoptive parents would have so much love to give - I would encourage your family to think about that rather than the Dickensian image of orphanages or slap dash fostering they seem to hold.
Ask again on the adoption board and see what responses you get there. There's a lot of dewey eyed people on here talking about what they'd theoretically do whilst safely knowing they don't have to.

The 'for her' is a new addition. But nobody is debating that OP hasn't addressed it yet. We're saying it's relevant, and those people who aren't including it in their analysis when talking about money should do.

Only in your head has anyone brought up destitution.

Doesn’t matter, he will resent her.

How does her son feel about it?
Could the relationship with him be damaged either way?

@milkshakess I first thought you were unreasonable, calllous even tbh. But having read your updates and especially this:

"So if we were to take on the niece SIL would no doubt want to dip in and out as it suits her."

I think you would be mad to go through with it. This will be a shitshow for sure. I first thought it was a question of her giving up her baby for adoption because she didn't want to have any children but she actually just wants someone to take care of her child so she can play mummy whenever she feels like it. Stand your ground OP.

Is it?

I’m on team consider adoption. Or at least speak to the social workers to gather more info.

@milkshakess
You were trying for a 3rd, and wanted a girl, can hubby still take the time off?

There would need to be clear boundaries with sister, but that would be the same of baby went into care or adopted out, and maybe given the family connection, this may make it too complicated, however, adopters often support some contact with birth family if safe to do so and considered to be helpful, although sometimes this is just an annual letter.

You’d need to be assessed to see if suitable to adopt (no, you don’t have to be married), you’d need to learn how best to handle it in the circumstances, but why not consider it?

Maybe I’m just biased as I’m about to start to be assessed for adopting, and it’s been in the planning line for years… 🤷‍♀️

While I like to think I’d take the baby in there are things to consider, what if she has another baby next year, do you take that one too? Can you afford to take on another child or will your own children have to go without some things? Will she turn up from time to time and upset the child and leave you to pick up the pieces?