OH wants custody of baby niece?

[milkshakess]

So OH's younger sister has recently had a baby and there is possibility that the baby may end up in care.

She already has an 18 year olds on who has lived with their mum since he was 8.

She dips in and out of his life, she even forgot his last birthday, she hasn't really been a mum to him at all. Despite this he has turned out to be a lovely, smart and hard working lad.

Everyone was so surprised by the pregnancy.

From what we understand she was kept in hospital for 2 weeks whilst some kind of team were getting stuff ready for the baby.

I think the hospital staff were monitoring and observing her interact with the baby and something must of been flagged?

Her mum has sold her house and was due to move abroad in September but she had been visiting her and the baby at the hospital daily and helping.

OH isn't really close to his sister but he is close to her son, he calls OH the "best uncle" as him and the other uncles have all chipped into help raise him.
OH would sometimes not see his sister for years and she was always changing her number and would have to talk to her though her son.

Anyway the family don't want the baby to end up in care but everyone has young kids themselves ( we have toddlers and are trying for a 3rd).

OH wants to go for custody but the care would really fall on me and I work from home and have a very flexible job.

Just wanted input on the situation as OH and the family don't want the baby to go into care

Is there a chance that baby has been kept longer in hospital due to prenatal drug exposure? I am not in the UK so I don’t know if that’s a common problem there.

This and with the “dipping in and out” it does sound like she and you dp and rest of her family are happy for you to deal with the day to day drudgery while she pops in and out and gets to be the “fun one”.:.

Also this.

And if my dh told me “my sister is again being protected despite her shitty behaviour, so you need to take on the load of her child, but don’t ever think you’ll have a place in the baby’s life and if you don’t do this, no more children for us”. While of course not saying there wouldn’t be any capacity for another child of you own.

It would depend on what SS decide. Sadly there are many parents whose children are removed and ultimately put up for adoption against the birth parents wishes.

It may have to get worse before they step in, that is normally the case.

But it is a conversation worth having with DH to know how they feel should this situation arise in 9months time….

The OP and DH would need to be willing to deal with the trauma the child will have experienced, not everyone is willing to take that on.

Sounds very tricky all round.

But that’s what she will have with her own baby anyway? I’m not sure why it’s so much harder for one baby and not for another. Plus she won’t have just gone through pregnancy. I don’t think I could watch a baby - blood relative to my husband and children - disappear into the care system, just so I could have my third biological baby.

The family situation is messy but if you agreed it should be on the basis that you adopt and the mother loses parental control, though no doubt she will visit.

I'm a foster carer and sometimes a child is fostered with a view to adoption. It's a trial period to see if it will work out. At the same time the carer goes through the vetting process. You are obviously not involved in the care system.

The baby will be traumatised by the separation from her mother, and if you don’t know about the effects of childhood trauma, you had better do some quick studying.
(The baby may also eventually be subject to the mental health problems experienced by her mother)

She is likely to have higher needs because of the anxiety that automatically accompanies losing her birth mother. This means that she is very unlikely to be an easy baby to care for.
That in turn will impact on your toddlers.

And the potential help from grandparents is about to vanish over the horizon.

This is a huge commitment, and even more worrying is that you may end up resenting the baby, because you are not likely to have your own third baby.

So SIL is very secretive by nature, she dosent really like to tell anyone in the family what's going on.

OH has been trying to get in contact with her for weeks as we have gifts we got for the baby which are just sat here.
Her phone is either switched off or just rings out.

It is the mum telling us everything as she is so worried.

Nephew is due to move in with his mum when MIL moves abroad.

We aren't married but have been together for 13 years.

As PP have mentioned it wouldn't be realistic or fair to have the baby bouncing back from A to B as the baby needs stability and security.

I do wonder if she there are drug issues myself as I know she had a marijuana addiction at one stage.

To be honest I do feel for the baby and after following the Preston Davey trial I would be extremely worried about the baby going into care/ getting adopted.

The family are adamant that they do not want this to happen and I think MIL would even abort her plans to retire abroad if it came down to that but she is in her 60s now and has said it would be so hard for her to look after the baby.

To you. And that’s ok, people are different. I understand that people feel a different pull towards having their own biological children (even when they already have some). But some of us don’t feel like that. It’s not an attitude it’s just a different emotion. If you can’t comprehend that I suggest that’s on you.

The father of the baby isn't on the scene and his side of the family are not interested.
The father left in the early stages of the pregnancy.

Tribal communities practice cooperative parenting , and in at least one tribe, the Hadzabe, researchers who stayed with them found that children can have 17 alloparents, in another it’s about 6. We talk about ‘it takes a village’ but they live it. Their whole attitude to child rearing is different to ours. That does not make it a fantasy. The children have a lot of autonomy, once weaned and can choose how they spend their days. It’s amazing that tribes who have never met developed the same attitudes to child rearing. I guess because it better ensured the tribe’s survival. It is not a fantasy view of tribal communities. It is recorded by several universities and other research facilities that it was difficult to know which children ‘belonged’ to which mother

It’s exactly that trial (and the ones before it) that I have in my mind.

It doesn’t sound like you are going to be hoodwinked into parenting her, if the mother is AWOL. You could just leave it and see what happens. Or, if your OH is so keen he could take some action.

If social services are still involved, he could make contact and find out the legal situation? Getting it second hand probably leaves room for more worry and speculation, without any answers. Once you have some facts - ie is there or will there be a care order - then you can think about what role, if any, you’d want to play. I agree with others that being in and out of a child’s life is a mess for everyone, and it sounds like the mother might do this for a bit and then disappear.

This situation can work if the primary care giver is the direct relative and is willing. It is way too much to ask of someone who isn't. I don't think yabu at all and it isn't a replacement for having your own child. If you went into it you would have to be fully on board with her dipping in and out and also be prepared for dealing with the upset, confusion and regression that can cause. I would absolutely say no.

If she wants to keep the baby and have everyone else around her help then that's up to her siblings but she could go on to have many more children yet. Ss should be involved if she isnt fit to parent. The siblings support could be put to used in terms of getting her some form of counselling and on medication.

My mum agreed to something similar but it was a shitshow. My cousin was a toddler but regressed every time his mother made an appearance. It was my parents who had to deal with it. He was returned to aunt eventually and she was largely supported by grandparents who did the day to day care. Eventually my parents were asked to take him back but ss still believed it was in his best interest to see him mum despite everyone else disagreeing. My dad was not keen but ultimately left my mum to make a decision that he would support. She refused so he ended up staying with grandparents. As an adult my mum said they never felt able to fully parent him as contact with aunt would make him regress and that would affect us (my siblings and i). It got to the stage where my parents both felt the impact on their own children was too great and they couldn't make a substantial difference to cousin's life.

I have been in a similar situation to your husband. I had a phone call from social services one evening telling me my estranged sister was having a baby that she was unable to care for and asking if we would be assessed to care for her. It took a couple months of loop jumping but she came to live with us at about 6 months old. She turns 8 years old in a couple of months and honestly it was difficult at times but I wouldn't change it for the world. I have 3 children of my own (they were 5, 7 and 8 when she came to live with us) so she was my 4th. If this means as much to your husband as it meant to me, I would worry that if you decided not to allow it, I'm not sure but he may resent you for that as the baby grows up.

My goodness me if your heart is not in it do NOT be manipulated into this.

You wanted a 3rd baby….here is one that NEEDS you. How could you look at your children and tell them you didn’t want to look after their own flesh and blood? How could you have your own 3rd child after giving this one up??

Oh please. She wants her own baby, which is not this one.

That's different to the mother still being very much alive and wanting to dip in and out, as well as the other brothers.

That's a shockingly emotional post, and grossly unfair to the OP.

Op hasn’t “given this child up” her own mother has.

She isn't giving this baby up though. It isn't her baby to give up in the first place.

Her actual mother doesn't want to give her up.

You want a daughter and this niece needs parents.

Is it so important when you already have 2 biological children to bring a 3rd into the world, when this little one is in need of all the love and care she can absorb? They are so sensitive and trusting. Do not let this baby's early days be less-than.

You can do it. It is also a great example to your children of true generosity and humanity.

I can't see how the baby isn't going to end up in care, tbh. The grandmother is moving abroad, the sibling is only 18 and living with the unreliable mother (or at least sharing an address with her), everybody else can't really commit to raising somebody else's baby. It's sad for tor the baby but the sooner your DP accepts this, the better.

so much really nasty emotional blackmail on this thread.