OH wants custody of baby niece?

[milkshakess]

So OH's younger sister has recently had a baby and there is possibility that the baby may end up in care.

She already has an 18 year olds on who has lived with their mum since he was 8.

She dips in and out of his life, she even forgot his last birthday, she hasn't really been a mum to him at all. Despite this he has turned out to be a lovely, smart and hard working lad.

Everyone was so surprised by the pregnancy.

From what we understand she was kept in hospital for 2 weeks whilst some kind of team were getting stuff ready for the baby.

I think the hospital staff were monitoring and observing her interact with the baby and something must of been flagged?

Her mum has sold her house and was due to move abroad in September but she had been visiting her and the baby at the hospital daily and helping.

OH isn't really close to his sister but he is close to her son, he calls OH the "best uncle" as him and the other uncles have all chipped into help raise him.
OH would sometimes not see his sister for years and she was always changing her number and would have to talk to her though her son.

Anyway the family don't want the baby to end up in care but everyone has young kids themselves ( we have toddlers and are trying for a 3rd).

OH wants to go for custody but the care would really fall on me and I work from home and have a very flexible job.

Just wanted input on the situation as OH and the family don't want the baby to go into care

OP wants another biological child. Not a child who has a mother who wants to keep her, have OP do the hard work for her and float in and out of her life as she sees fit.

She doesn't want to give up parental responsibility from the sounds of it.

But she is related to the child as she married. That child is part of the extended family

No indication they're married.

she said OH in her OP tommean she s married. But happy to stand corrected.

but even if she isnt married, having children with this man, being together for a number of years, wanting a 3rd, they are effectively “married” even if not in the legal sense. She knows a lot of whats happening in the family, she can assume what will
be happening to the baby in the future if no solution found, so yes the baby is family. Married or not.

It's a bit different. If she wants to be a mother to the child, I would struggle with wanting custody under those conditions. But honestly it seems likely that she won't bother after a while. You are in a tricky situation. I feel for you.

I wouldn't do it. Even if it means a split and never having a 3rd baby.

If it was YOUR sister it would be different. You'd actually be related to this child. You would be choosing this.

But doing the grunt of the majority of caring for an unrelated baby that could be taken off at a moment's notice because my shitty DP left me? Fuck that.

I'll sacrifice my career and health for my own child. But not to be a babysitter for someone else's daughter/niece etc.

OH doesn't mean married. And there's no such thing as being married except in the legal sense. Multiple posts have been made explaining why the legal implications of being unmarried are so important here.

The baby is indeed family, but none of that makes advice about taking the baby in and treating her as their own less implausible. Have you read the OPs updates about what the mother wants and OH thinks will happen?

If DH has other brothers, why aren't they taking on this child? Why is this solely on you?

RTFT PLEASE! Or at least the OP's posts!!!

I think it’s quite sensible it might be an option she doesn’t choose but one of her wishes will come true

This isn't adoption though, the baby's mum is basically saying she wants everyone else to do the hard bits but visit whenever she wants and is still the baby's mother.
So at any moment she could take the baby away if she decided, all while the baby is being passed around like a doll.
This isn't healthy for the child, I would say no unless she signs over all of her rights you are not adopting her.

Op wants another biological child on the basis she’s hoping it’s a girl

That doesn't mean she wants to play mum to someone else's girl.

That cements it for me as a hard no.

not least because it would hugely disruptive for your children. A sister who’s not really a sister, but more than a cousin. One who gets parented by half the family and who’s mum dips in when she wants.

its a disaster waiting to happen and not in the best interest of the baby. So the family don’t want the baby to go into care. Had anyone stopped to consider whether the proposed way of being raised is in the baby’s best interest because it’s not the least bit stable.

Or that she'll be allowed to even if she wants to! Because the current proposal isn't that.

I don’t know how anyone could let the baby go into care but you are going to have to be willing to look after it and have an honest conversation about the third child you were planning as there’s a high chance that won’t happen. This in actual fact will be your third child.

Why not a alternative to a 3rd of your own?

It is not silly. OP wanted a DD but doesn't know if she is too old to conceive, not could she guarantee a daughter. Here is a little baby girl needing loving parents. You wouldn't have to go through a pregnancy she is just there waiting for you to adopt her.

No it doesn’t but there is a 50/50 chance she won’t get her wish and imagine being the little boy baby that wasn’t really wished for. We see threads all the time about gender disappointment, OP hasn’t said she longs for another child regardless, she herself specifically mentioned about the gender of her hoped for child when there was really no need to unless it’s her true motive.

OP can offer adoption to SS.

OP has a preference as many parents do. It doesn't mean that she would definitely have gender disappointment or doesn't want a boy at all.

It also shouldn't be a reason for taking someone else's baby when the mother wants to keep her and adoption with actual parental responsibility may not even be on the table.

Do you really need baby No 3, Milkshakess? This little baby could be your no 3. See her, hold her and gauge how you feel about her.

Your husband will have to step up too.

It would be nice for nephew to have a baby sister and at 18, he can help out.

Go carefully and be sure before you make any decisions but I think it would be worth a try. Bless her little heart.

you want a 3rd child so the problem isn't space or money. dh would provide as much care for this baby as he would for your 3rd so that isn't the problem. you'd probably get more input and support given the circs.

so what is it that makes you not want to take her?

only by being honest about that can you be honest with your husband.

is it the sister? is it cos you won't love her like your own? is it cos you want to experience pregnancy again?

you need to be honest and direct with him, but ultimately i don't think, in his shoes, I'd be ok with my niece going into care and then getting you pregnant with our own.

What's being married got to do with who brings more money into the household?

Must be a pretty strong preference for her to mention it in a thread where it was a completely unnecessary detail.
Not many people I know would have a 3rd child purely in the hope the would have a specific gender. All my children are the same gender, I never had a preference apart from hoping beyond hope they were safely delivered.
Of course she shouldn’t take on someone else’s baby based on the gender, she should take it on if she has enough support, money, space and love.
At 38 in her shoes as I’ve said previously if I was actively trying for a baby ( gender wouldn’t come into it) if I had biological children already, I wouldn’t try any further and take in my niece/nephew if they were removed from their Mothers care and required a home.
I would put them before a non existent 3rd child, I also said I would probably be in the minority for thinking that way.