OH wants custody of baby niece?

[milkshakess]

So OH's younger sister has recently had a baby and there is possibility that the baby may end up in care.

She already has an 18 year olds on who has lived with their mum since he was 8.

She dips in and out of his life, she even forgot his last birthday, she hasn't really been a mum to him at all. Despite this he has turned out to be a lovely, smart and hard working lad.

Everyone was so surprised by the pregnancy.

From what we understand she was kept in hospital for 2 weeks whilst some kind of team were getting stuff ready for the baby.

I think the hospital staff were monitoring and observing her interact with the baby and something must of been flagged?

Her mum has sold her house and was due to move abroad in September but she had been visiting her and the baby at the hospital daily and helping.

OH isn't really close to his sister but he is close to her son, he calls OH the "best uncle" as him and the other uncles have all chipped into help raise him.
OH would sometimes not see his sister for years and she was always changing her number and would have to talk to her though her son.

Anyway the family don't want the baby to end up in care but everyone has young kids themselves ( we have toddlers and are trying for a 3rd).

OH wants to go for custody but the care would really fall on me and I work from home and have a very flexible job.

Just wanted input on the situation as OH and the family don't want the baby to go into care

Fine while its hypothetical

Surely your niece would be baby number 3. Can't you open your heart to welcome a new baby. You said you wanted a third baby. After a few months it won't matter you did not give birth to this little baby. It becomes your baby. Why not give it a try to see how things go. If you give it 3-4 months and it doesn't work out, no harm will be done.

This baby would essentially be your baby #3, if you weren't intending on having 4 then there's a good chance you won't have another after this.

Essentially, do you want to adopt a baby?

He wants to do something noble but actually it would be just signing you up to do it.

I don't know if I would do it. It's a hard decision.

That’s fine, but would you volunteer someone else to do all the required caring?

If the DP is happy to look after DN, good on him. He doesn’t get to make that decision for OP though.

Except this thread is full of black and white in the instance that OP should just care for this baby.

If he wants this baby, he needs to figure out how it would work and not put all of the care on OP.

Hi just got back from taking the kids to the park and have been reading all the replies.

Each time I have been pregnant OH has taken 3 months of to help etc.

He has already said that he would take 3 months of to help with his niece but ultimately after the 3 months I would be the main care giver.

I have 2 boys and would have wanted the 3rd to be a girl (I know it's not guaranteed).

OH is 43 and I am 38, so time isn't really on my side to have a 3rd baby.

From what happened with SIL's first child is that she gave custody to their mum and she basically dipped in and out of his life, she is more like a mate to him than a mother.
Her child see's his nan as his mum.

So if we were to take on the niece SIL would no doubt want to dip in and out as it suits her.

OH's siblings have said they will all chip in I.take turns in having the niece at their house.

Our current routine is I look after DC during the day and OH will take over the he gets back from work and does breakfast etc at weekends with them whilst I work from home.

I foster DC and have foster one DC since he was 5. I wanted to adopt him but his birth parents refused to agree. Now he's 19 and he's my DS just as much as the 3 DC I gave birth to. I'd take in any of my nieces or nephews and they would be very welcome.

If I could, I definitely would take care of her. Particularly as you were planning to expand your family anyway.

OP, how old is baby and who does DP think would be doing the night time care?

They arent married though, so its irrelevant if he earns more.

As soon as the baby was born she made it clear that she wanted OH and their brothers to be "like dad's to the baby and needs help".

I went out and bought all the baby stuff and a lot of our DC's stuff went to her and she didn't seem to have a clue what was going on or what to do.
She still hasn't really told us the full story.

OH came in last week after seeing his brother and asked me "Do you want XYZ's baby?".

*if the family want them.

Are you married OP? Who owns the house? Can he explain how he expects you to work and care for a baby? Why isn't he thinking of using childcare instead?

The baby is 5 weeks old.

How do you feel about taking on this child - not actually an adoption - and the SiL dipping in and out of her life?

How would the other family members taking her at various times work for you? Do you think that's a good idea or a bad one?

I'm very concerned that they're saying these things to try to persuade you.

I don't think it's fair at all that OP has to give up her dream of a third child. Her OH needs to be OK with (potentially) being a 4-child household.

Would you take on your niece instead of having a third baby, or would you still want your own biological third baby regardless?

I'm so sorry op, what a disgusting thing to say to you. You clearly do not want this baby you very much want your own which is entirely valid, ehy can other members not take her and you be once a month support?

OH came in last week after seeing his brother and asked me "Do you want XYZ's baby?".

What a question to ask. Putting all the onus on you.

I wonder what he would tell his family if you raised any doubts?

Would he go his family and say milkshake doesn’t want the baby so we can’t have her? Effectively blaming you?

I would say no because it sounds like you will be inviting ALOT of problems to your life.
you would miss the chance to have your own baby. And also what if you split up?
you will also be tied to this woman who seems to pull the strings. Do you want to end up taking on a child and then having the entire family have a say in how they are brought up - because they will view her as their niece rather than your daughter. You need to think about this really well , rather than doing it out of guilt and obligation op

This sounds like a disaster "group effort" but the legal parent is still SIL?

I think you would need to move away to set up as a family of 5 to make it work, it's much too "too many cooks".
What are SS aims? Where does baby live now?

OP this could be your very own baby girl. Your DH will take 3 months off to help and you have a supportive family around you. The biological mother sounds flaky and will probably not be interested except for an occasional visit. As you say there is no guarantee you will get pregnant again and certainly no guarantee of a baby girl. This baby is a guaranteed girl.

I think if you could adopt the baby it could work. But if sil thinks she can come in and out of her life as she wants that may not be ideal for the baby. I think you need to speak to sw and find out more information. If I adopted I would not feel the need to try for another baby but personal choice. I think you would need to be aware you would need to treat her as if she is your own. I’m not sure everyone can do that.

Frankly, the idea of passing the child from pillar to post by taking turns at each others' houses sounds like no solution at all, and not good for the baby.

And it's quite clear that this wouldn't be 'your' baby, and you wouldn't be 'mum', even putting aside the fact that your partner's sister would be dipping in and out. So this child wouldn't be a 'replacement' for the third child you want as PPs have been suggesting. It seems more like you'll be a glorified babysitter, with everyone (including your partner's sister) thinking they get a say in the raising of the baby.

It really seems like a disaster waiting to happen, given you're not over the moon about it.

Ah, 3 months of help and then a lifetime of being primary carer! Who could say no to that.