OH wants custody of baby niece?

[milkshakess]

So OH's younger sister has recently had a baby and there is possibility that the baby may end up in care.

She already has an 18 year olds on who has lived with their mum since he was 8.

She dips in and out of his life, she even forgot his last birthday, she hasn't really been a mum to him at all. Despite this he has turned out to be a lovely, smart and hard working lad.

Everyone was so surprised by the pregnancy.

From what we understand she was kept in hospital for 2 weeks whilst some kind of team were getting stuff ready for the baby.

I think the hospital staff were monitoring and observing her interact with the baby and something must of been flagged?

Her mum has sold her house and was due to move abroad in September but she had been visiting her and the baby at the hospital daily and helping.

OH isn't really close to his sister but he is close to her son, he calls OH the "best uncle" as him and the other uncles have all chipped into help raise him.
OH would sometimes not see his sister for years and she was always changing her number and would have to talk to her though her son.

Anyway the family don't want the baby to end up in care but everyone has young kids themselves ( we have toddlers and are trying for a 3rd).

OH wants to go for custody but the care would really fall on me and I work from home and have a very flexible job.

Just wanted input on the situation as OH and the family don't want the baby to go into care

I find your assumptions about my colour racist and this fantasy view of “tribal communities” is totally white saviour and a well established racist trope.

Don’t tell me the picture in your mind was of a white tribe because I would be calling bullshit if so.

Something to consider. Does mum have any drug or alcohol issues?. Baby could grow up with the after effects of this if she’s taken drugs etc during pregnancy. I’ve cared for many children with fetal alcohol syndrome. It’s hard

All those promises will dry up asap op, they night not even be able to do that depending on what SS say and the kind of caring plan or court order you end up with. They will all have something to say about how YOU raise her, she won't be yours, and this will cause so much disruption to your boys as well.

I'm ashamed to say I didn't.... I was much younger - late 20s/nearly 30, and didn't speak up so much, and wasn't assertive then. Luckily his mum was actually nice and did like me, and we got on well. She kept thanking me for taking her, and bought me coffee and cake when we had been to the appointment, and said I was lovely and 'kind.. '

But that's not the point really. DH was always 'too busy' or working and was conveniently working overtime if it fell on a time or day that he would have been off. And really, his mum (as nice as she was) should have pulled him up on it, but I think she believed it was womens work too. (Looking after older family members...)

Oh by the way, NOW I would tell him where to go! Wish I had been like I am now (in my 50s) all my life. Wouldn't have got used, shit on, taken for a ride, and walked over so much during my life!!!

There are no drug and alcohol issues.
She has been previously sectioned a few times and suffers from mental health issues.

What does the baby’s mum want? If she wants to keep baby, would she get appropriate support, which could include both you and OH if you’re both on board? You don’t have to adopt baby.

This. ^ The niece isn't even a blood relative to this little girl, and isn't married to her partner. Why the hell should she be taking her on? Can they even adopt her if they're not married?

(Sorry, I know very little about this, so don't know...)

As has been said though, the OP will be looking after this little girl, for the vast majority of the time. It's OK for her partner to play the hero, but he won't be making any sacrifices for the child! (Or looking after her very much actually!)

You want a little girl and here is a lovely little girl all ready for your family. Consider adoption.

That's one of the silliest things I've seen on Mn, which is saying something.

It is a huge decision. No one can advise you on the right decision, there isn’t one.
I would like to think I would take a family member’s baby to stop down going into the system, as in Ireland they stay in care for 18 years unless parents agree to adoption.
Sometimes families have to branch out for their blood relatives, the impact of abandonment is huge on a child removed from their relatives.

The baby's mum wants to keep her and has already said she isn't capable of looking after the baby on her own and will need help of everyone.

As she had her first at 19 and now 2nd baby at 37 she said she forgot how hard it was and thought she would be able to handle it.

It's right up there isn't it?!

🤣🤣🤣

If you did this, you would need to go for adoption. Rather than familial fostering. Baby and you need the certainty.
dipping in and out is not healthy. For anyone.

you and your OH need to speak with social services and understand what’s going on here.

people can change over 2 decades. The system certainly has.

Exactly my thoughts.

It reminds me so much of the class hamster...

Oh my gosh, yeah the little girl would be like that!

You really need to stop.

First I have made no assumption about your colour. You, however, have made an assumption about mine labelling me “white saviour” when I am not white.

My perspective of tribal communities is based on my own personal indigenous heritage, and having lived and worked in tribal communities in different countries. Different communities have very different perspectives on family relations.

Your superficial, supercilious and slapdash assumptions and deep ignorance about indigenous communities are as offensive as they are erroneous.

Your partner ( are you married ) is asking you, expecting you to take on the daily care of his niece ( she isn't related to you ) for the foreseeable long term future on his and his sisters behalf whislt you gain absolutely nothing, this isn't adoption, she won't be the third baby you want she will be a timeshare that you take all the risk on for other people more closely related to the girl.

It seems to me that this isn't something you want to do otherwise you wouldn't be asking the question here.

How would your partner feel if you signed him up to 12 hours work a day for 18 years without consulting you fully? Why does his opinion even count here?

How would he feel that given this massive commitment that he had zero financial security. If he changed his mind you are left high and dry with nowhere to live, no savings and no career plus a tiny baby you didn't even really want but took it to be nice?

If you are feeling even a slight no right now, imagine how that's going to feel when you've had no sleep for 3 weeks? When they are tantrumming in the supermarket? When you are dragged into school for some misdemeanor again?

Well this has escalated! 😬

Seriously though, I do agree with the posters saying the OP taking on this little girl - with the mum who seems to have difficulties still in the picture, is not going to work. Don't do it @milkshakess xx

I wasn't being serious, obviously. I doubt you have any adopted kids, but are claiming to have one in order to justify your nasty judgy comments.

So she wants you to be the ‘fun’ mother that parents entirely on her own terms, while you’re in the background actually doing the work (and bearing the financial burden, no doubt). This won’t be ‘your’ child, but your burden.

OP you'd be mad to agree to the arrangement as suggested by the sister - you'd get all the hard work and it woulnd't even be your child.
There's no way I'd agree to those terms, and I was one of the ones asking if you could consider an adoption.

So she wants to be a pick and choose mother, doing the bits that she fancies while everyone else runs around her? She sounds utterly appalling as a mother.
Poor, poor baby.