OH wants custody of baby niece?

[milkshakess]

So OH's younger sister has recently had a baby and there is possibility that the baby may end up in care.

She already has an 18 year olds on who has lived with their mum since he was 8.

She dips in and out of his life, she even forgot his last birthday, she hasn't really been a mum to him at all. Despite this he has turned out to be a lovely, smart and hard working lad.

Everyone was so surprised by the pregnancy.

From what we understand she was kept in hospital for 2 weeks whilst some kind of team were getting stuff ready for the baby.

I think the hospital staff were monitoring and observing her interact with the baby and something must of been flagged?

Her mum has sold her house and was due to move abroad in September but she had been visiting her and the baby at the hospital daily and helping.

OH isn't really close to his sister but he is close to her son, he calls OH the "best uncle" as him and the other uncles have all chipped into help raise him.
OH would sometimes not see his sister for years and she was always changing her number and would have to talk to her though her son.

Anyway the family don't want the baby to end up in care but everyone has young kids themselves ( we have toddlers and are trying for a 3rd).

OH wants to go for custody but the care would really fall on me and I work from home and have a very flexible job.

Just wanted input on the situation as OH and the family don't want the baby to go into care

What is it that your partner is looking to do? Fostering that leads you both adopting the baby as your own or for you to temporarily foster leading the child to be adopted or fostering until the baby can potentially return to his sister? How will the day-to-day care of the child look? You looking after your own two children and his niece? Is your partner planning to take any responsibility on a daily basis for the baby? Can you accommodate potentially 4 children (if you try for baby number 3) in your existing home? What about finances (especially if you end up adopting the baby) again you could have 4 children?

You need to have a very honest conversation with your partner. This has to be a joint decision. Of course he doesn't want his niece going into care, that's understandable but it has to work practically too. How would your existing children cope? What happens if in a few years time his sister becomes pregnant again, and there's another baby needing a home?! You need a long in-depth conversation to cover all eventualities.

Personally I would consider adoption, but I think that could be a very hard decision if you aren’t 💯 on board with your niece being the same as if she were your daughter. Only you know if you could treat her and love her that way. No judgement if you can’t, but you need to be honest with your husband on where your head is at.

Why doesn't HE want to be the one making sacrifices to his career to make it work?

i wouldn’t do this. If you wouldn’t be fully adopting the baby then you’d face the sand scenario, mum popping back up and in and out every once in a while.
you wouldn’t be fully seen as mum (and dad) and most likely have wider family feeling they can dictate how you parent.

even if you were fully adopting, it’s essentially an open adoption and most likely the same scenario happening.

hos would all that impact your relationship and your children. You’re already recognising that the actual work and care would fall to you, not your OH.
if you’re not married, what would happen if in a few years your relationship implodes and you potentially don’t have any legal rights (if you don’t adopt) to his niece who you’ve by then fully bonded with?

id suggest that with love, adoption out is in the best interests of the baby.

This could be your baby number 3. I'd say no if he'd been a hands off dad, but if he will do a good amount and you want a baby anyway it's not a bad solution.

A serious and honest discussion between you and your OH is needed.

While I fully appreciate his reasons for wanting the baby to stay with you, he has to understand what that actually entails, how it impacts on your family unit and also you as an individual.

Who will mostly look after this baby? Who will do night feeds? Nappy changes? Is he willing to take the bulk of the childcare when he's at home because it's his family? Will he be at home for bath/bedtime routines? Or is he just expecting you to do it all? Did he even ask you if you would consider it? In these situations people often want to ignore realities and just say it will all fall into place, we can make it work etc but without open communication it's a set up for failure. It could all be amazing but not if you take a leap in the dark.

Wishing you all the best x

He won't be around. He expects to OP pick up the load as she works from home.

I kind of agree when she wants another baby, just not that one.

A very revealing statement that shows people do think it's primarily the nearest woman's role to raise a baby, even if she's not related to her.

You can't look after a baby working from home. Surely one or both of them will take parental leave or adoption leave like they would if they had baby no 3...

This in spades. ^ I would not be trying for a third child with him either @milkshakess - not while you are not married.

I am sure the little niece is adorable, but in the circumstances you are in, I would NOT be taking her on.

OP has said the care will fall to her.

I am sure the little niece is adorable, but in the circumstances you are in, I would NOT be taking her on.

Totally agree

Which means the baby could also end up back and forth from mum to OP, OP to mum, mum to OP. With the mum waltzing in and out when baby is with OP as she pleases like she has done with her other child.

No wonder OP is actually thinking it through and not jumping at the chance based on nothing but emotion.

There's no 'surely'.

People have filled in a lot of gaps, but OP is talking about kinship care. That attracts no statutory paid leave at all. It certainly doesn't attract parental leave in the same way having one's own biological child does, and lots of kinship carers end up leaving their jobs. Adoption leave exists, but OP never actually mentions adoption and there's no guarantee that's what would ultimately happen if they took the baby on. It also wouldn't be immediate.

So some solution to the problem of how is a baby going to be looked after 24/7 in a totally different situation to maternity leave needs to be found.

Nearly always happens. 🙄

I've known some men push the care of their own parents (and in some cases grandparents too,) onto their wife or girlfriend, even when she has her own parents and grandparents and children too. (AND a job!!!) Hmmmm, wimmins work innit?!

When DH's mum (R.I.P,) had a hospital appointment, (or any medical one) he expected me to take her, becauase he worked full time, and I 'only' worked 28 hours a week! (And did every fucking thing in the house, all the grunt work and life admin, and 90% of the childcare!)

He said 'mum likes you, she enjoys your company, and you're much patient than I am....' Any excuse to not be arsed himself!

I wonder if OP's partner would be so keen to take his niece if OP left him, and he was going to have to be a single father (if that was possible for kinship care, I'm not sure). Somehow I imagine he wouldn't be considering it.

I think it's telling that the options seem to be A. OP caring for baby or B. baby goes into care.

If OP's partner is so willing and keen to take on this baby, he would be prepared to do it himself. He seems to only be prepared to do it because it would largely fall on to OP.

Aargh, the old ‘you’re more patient than I am’ gambit!

I assume you told him where to go?

This. I just couldn't imagine a family members baby going into care even being a possibility.

But what's the reason for that? Maybe he is the highest earner in a job that doesn't allow flexibility in a way that's needed. So, should he give up a good paid job on that example? Nothing is ever black and white.

Very good point!

If you don’t want to do it. Don’t. Because as you’ve said all the care would fall on you. You would end up resenting your partner, for all the care falling on you and the then lack of third child you are trying for.

It’s fair though that this could be a deal breaker for either of you.

Though if you air your concerns to social services there should be no way they would place the baby with you either.

Also you know if mums been on drugs and or booze during the pregnancy. This could be a baby with a high chance of additional needs as well.

It's interesting that multiple people seem to be assuming a framework for supporting kinship care like we have for parents must exist. Suggests people don't realise how little support can be enforced and relied on in these situations.

We've had a kinship care situation in our extended family, albeit with an older child, so I've more idea than most about what is and isn't available. I get why people might not know, but the fact that they don't google is telling.

I do think that if you had room in your lives for a third baby of your own, you should fully consider the logistics of taking on your DH's niece instead. But I also appreciate that if the situation were to come with no support equivalent to whatever maternity leave or pay you would have been entitled to then it's complicated. I think you should get all the facts about what leave you could take and what financial support there might be.
It's not as easy to foster/adopt as it is to have your own child, but nobody knows what the future holds and if you were to conceive a third baby of your own it could come with additional care needs or a high-risk pregnancy or life-changing conditions.
I think you should talk to social services and the family about options without committing to anything and get more details rather than dismissing it out of hand because it would be tragic for this little child to go into care and unless your DSIL is really troubled it's unlikely to be a 'clean' adoption out elsewhere, more likely a series of traumatising foster care / return / care / return flipflops. (I could be wrong, but that's my experience).