OH wants custody of baby niece?

[milkshakess]

So OH's younger sister has recently had a baby and there is possibility that the baby may end up in care.

She already has an 18 year olds on who has lived with their mum since he was 8.

She dips in and out of his life, she even forgot his last birthday, she hasn't really been a mum to him at all. Despite this he has turned out to be a lovely, smart and hard working lad.

Everyone was so surprised by the pregnancy.

From what we understand she was kept in hospital for 2 weeks whilst some kind of team were getting stuff ready for the baby.

I think the hospital staff were monitoring and observing her interact with the baby and something must of been flagged?

Her mum has sold her house and was due to move abroad in September but she had been visiting her and the baby at the hospital daily and helping.

OH isn't really close to his sister but he is close to her son, he calls OH the "best uncle" as him and the other uncles have all chipped into help raise him.
OH would sometimes not see his sister for years and she was always changing her number and would have to talk to her though her son.

Anyway the family don't want the baby to end up in care but everyone has young kids themselves ( we have toddlers and are trying for a 3rd).

OH wants to go for custody but the care would really fall on me and I work from home and have a very flexible job.

Just wanted input on the situation as OH and the family don't want the baby to go into care

Not everyone wants to adopt. OP shouldn’t be vilified if she prefers not to, it’s very complex.

I would not appreciate my partner (are you actually married?) volunteering me for this role.

Sure, and my job contract, house deeds and legal will are all just pieces of paper, too. I don't want to do without them though.

I personally would support taking her if social services were looking for a permanent placement and not a temporary one while they assess and try and reunite mum and baby. I’d put baby No 3 on indefinite hold. I’d treat DN as my own and not as by DH responsibility. But it’s understandable why you don’t want to do that’s, kinship foster care/adoption is not for everyone and you’d likely have to maintain a level of contact with her mum. But anything less than you and your DH being fully committed to this little baby isn’t fair on her. So your DH should accept your wishes and the baby should go somewhere she’s wanted completely

Could you adopt her as baby number three?

I think this post touches on some of the very real issues OP, and counselling doesn't seem like a bad idea, because there are very real impacts in deciding either way.

Ideally, given you and DH are trying for a baby so can clearly manage one in your lives, and given DH seems to want his niece, you would take the baby, and would feel that was the right path.

However, I also get the sense you would feel resentful, which is absolutely the wrong thing for the child. I think in navigating this, it is very important to identify your feelings for what they are. Saying vague things like "I don't see how it could work" is dodging the issue. I think what you mean is "I don't want to care for a child that isn't mine when I'd hoped to have another of my own and direct the resources we have in terms of time, finances etc toward a baby of my own, and I don't want to be largely responsible in practical terms for a child I am not even related to."

I know that feels hard to say, but it is going to be critical to be honest - to both yourself and DH.

So sunny with lots of hearts and flowers in la la land?

The OP isn’t living in your fantasy non existent tribal community, she has to deal with real people who can cause real problems both for the new child and her existing children.

Anyone considering taking on additional children needs to spend a lot of time considering the pros and cons. Taking on children from disrupted parents even more so.

Rosy white saviour assumptions about tribal communities are utterly irrelevant to the reality of the OP’s situation.

Oh and yes, I’ve been through the process of discussing what would be involved in caring for family member children and all the professional advice was the same - the child will benefit from a hard nosed fact based decision, not wooly ideas about the poor wee baby.

This would effectively be baby number 3. Unless you can come to terms with that and treat her as such, you shouldn't do it.

babies are not puppies and not interchangeable

Surely she is baby number 3?

It will have been flagged that her previous child was raised by a family member (especially if court ordered) but it will also be taken into account that he was born 18 years ago, in that time someone can change a lot, mature, have a totally different set up. There is also a different father and family on the other side.
Has there been any mention of the baby not going home with her, or social care looking for the baby to be fostered? Their priority if things have changed will be supporting her to be a good parent. If the baby is unsafe they would already be discussing where to place her.
Has this ever been mentioned as you could be planning whether to adopt her when this isn't even on the cards?

This baby would BE baby number 3. That's the only way it. Would work

Of course you can bond with a baby that's not biologically yours. But adopting a baby is not the same as growing a baby inside you and giving birth and then raising them. Biology is powerful.

Theres plenty of stories about adoption and about babies swapped at birth that make it clear it can be difficult both for parents and children.

To be fair to the baby and other children the op and her OH both have to really want the baby and to make it work. Otherwise it's not fair on anyone. It could work out great but it's bizzare to

say this baby can be the ops third..it's not that simple.

Babies are not interchangable - I'm surpised on a parenting site this has to be pointed out.

Plus this baby comes with much more baggage - SS and mother will be around - there may be issues than any third biological child - wider family may demand more input.

If OP and her OH aren't fully onboard - that's not fair for the child.

If my partner refused to take on my niece or nephew in a similar situation, I don’t think the relationship would survive. Even if it did, it would be irrecoverably damaged and I would never feel the same.

Hopefully then you'd ensure you had a solid plan that didn't presume your partner was going to take on the bulk of the work involved.

I think on balance I would look into whether it would be possible to adopt the baby. It's not your life plan but I don't think I could live with myself knowing my niece was going to grow up a stranger and later find out her family refused to take her in.

Where is the baby's father?

Given that the sister will presumably pop up every so often as she has with her eldest, it could make life very confusing and upsetting for the baby.

It may be better all round that she is adopted out of the family. That way there are no blurred lines to negotiate. SS decide the rules and there can be no emotional blackmail from other family (for example, the grandma) "oh just let her see the baby for an hour.....". As a baby, she is unlikely to be in the care system for long, adopters would be falling over themselves to have her.

I cant help feeling that a clean break would be better for the baby, and ultimately for the family, as harsh as that sounds.

This may not be a popular view but I can only say what I would do but I would see it that I wanted a third baby and here it is.

I wouldn’t, I would not see the baby going into care as my problem and I wouldn’t want to have any closer a link to the feckless sister than I had to

No sorry I wouldn’t do it. I would only adopt if the parents weren’t in the picture. It would cause all sorts of issues adopting her and then the mum wanting to see her etc.

But you do know that they are people, right? Or do you think people are all much the same?

Babies don’t grow inside men so that’s not a strong argument. Biology is not sufficient to stop fathers losing contact with their birth families after family breakup, and some take on the kids of a new partner without any bio relation.

Some people are up for adoption, some are up for a combination of bio and adoption. By the sound of the OP she’s not the type to be able to take on someone else’s child. Where that leaves her marriage I don’t know because her DH may feel equally adamant that he will take the child.

You were trying for a baby and now being presented with the possibility of adopting a baby?

You would have been caring for a baby anyway. If you don't feel you can adopt then that's a different story

This is deeply racist and I’ve reported it.