OH wants custody of baby niece?

[milkshakess]

So OH's younger sister has recently had a baby and there is possibility that the baby may end up in care.

She already has an 18 year olds on who has lived with their mum since he was 8.

She dips in and out of his life, she even forgot his last birthday, she hasn't really been a mum to him at all. Despite this he has turned out to be a lovely, smart and hard working lad.

Everyone was so surprised by the pregnancy.

From what we understand she was kept in hospital for 2 weeks whilst some kind of team were getting stuff ready for the baby.

I think the hospital staff were monitoring and observing her interact with the baby and something must of been flagged?

Her mum has sold her house and was due to move abroad in September but she had been visiting her and the baby at the hospital daily and helping.

OH isn't really close to his sister but he is close to her son, he calls OH the "best uncle" as him and the other uncles have all chipped into help raise him.
OH would sometimes not see his sister for years and she was always changing her number and would have to talk to her though her son.

Anyway the family don't want the baby to end up in care but everyone has young kids themselves ( we have toddlers and are trying for a 3rd).

OH wants to go for custody but the care would really fall on me and I work from home and have a very flexible job.

Just wanted input on the situation as OH and the family don't want the baby to go into care

Obviously taking the child as adopted baby number 3 would be a big challenge, and not one to be taken lightly, but for it to work, that's the approach that has to be taken. Surely she'd need to be treasted in exactly the same way as the other children in the family, she's not a visitor

I also don't think it's that unreasonable to aussume that OP will do most of the childcare, if that's the way this family runs, it would be reasonable to expect that this child, once it has been argreed that they will take her, slots into that.

It's a very difficult decision, but I agree with PP, in DH's shoes I couldn't prioritise my relationship by allowing neice to go into care, no matter how detrimental that was to me personally.u

How? It doesn't sound like OP is married and hes the one who wanted to adopt so, she gets all of the work and none of the rights.

OP, I'd be rather annoyed that my partner wants to do this by offering up my labour. If he wants to do this, HE needs to make compromises, not just sit back and expect you to facilitate it. How does he expect you to work whilst caring for a baby? Why is it your responsibility to make further sacrifices to your career when you don't even have the security of marriage?

Why not stop trying for a third and take this beautiful baby that already exists and needs love and a safe home. Ffs.

Were drugs or alcohol involved in the pregnancy?

Those are all issues within the existing set up, where OP has already had 2 chikdren with him.

I don’t think a relationship is likely to survive one person being strong armed into taking on, parenting, and financially providing for a child that isn’t theirs and that they don’t want.

Yes to this

I am eternally thankful for the goodness of my XH in agreeing to us raising my niece in similar circumstances

Well, it’s all a thought experiment for me. So of course I can say yes.

The OP however has been notably absent from the point that people started asking questions about this.

It’s pretty clear she doesn’t want this baby, who exists now and is in need. She wants her own hypothetical third baby and cannot compromise or will not consider that both could also be a possibility.

I stand by what I said. My love for my partner would start to die if I was in the same position has her DP. I don’t think that’s so hard to understand.

No it isn't 🙄

Because she wants her own biological child? Hardly a shocking proposition.

It is not being "sentimental" about babies to realise and acknowledge that this baby is a unique individual with a history and a life and a mother and a father and not the baby OP planned on getting pregnant with and delivering. The level of simplistic thinking on this thread is almost frightening. Babies aren't commodities. you don't simply say "oh here's one that was prepared earlier - I'll take that one" like it is a cake. It is downright insulting to adoptive parents - and to adopted children. (and the comments that marriage is "just a piece of paper" It isn't. It is a contract with rights and responsibilities that may or may not be of benefit to the OP and well worth raising in this context. it is not just a piece of paper.)

OP I agree with posters who say you'd get better advice on the fostering/adoption board. Things you should be thinking about/asking about are:

What exactly is being planned by social services for this baby? Do they want to have the baby fostered short term while they work to reunite mother and baby? Do they want to sever the mother's rights and have the baby adopted? Do they want a long-term kinship fostering situation with contact with the mother? You need to know the plan so you can decide what you can do.

Does the baby have any health issues? How will you and your partner cope with those?

Where is the father of the baby in all of this?

How will this affect your desire to have another pregnancy and baby?

How will this impact your children?

What happens if you and your partner split in the future?

How will you manage a new born? will dp take leave? Will you?

If you do foster or adopt how will the rest of the family see the baby - as your child or as a child of the family where everyone gets a say in the upbringing?

How will you manage the relationship with the mother in the future.

Yes, but they are HER children. If a woman wants to make sacrifices for her own children that leave her in a worse financial position, that's one thing, but then feeling entitled that she does it again on a mans say so, for a child that is not hers, is something else.

He wouldn't be able to do it on his own unless they separated. And if they separated in order for him to take the baby in I'd be very surprised if he passed the assessment. Far too unstable an arrangement for permanency for a child. If they became guardians of the baby together she would have PR just as much as he would.

Are you married? Because if you are not, then this doesn't really make sense. he might promise to do all the care for this baby but because of the way your lives are set up, it will all be on you, no matter how good his intentions. You would be doing a ton of unpaid work and possibly giving up the chance to have another child of your own. You would be taking the financial and lifestyle risk and doing most of the work, while he would get the peace of knowing his niece was safe, well cared for, and still in the family. Even if you were married, this would be problematic. He's basically trying to do a good deed vicariously through your effort. It's nice of him but not nice to you.

They're not. OP has automatic parental responsibility for her 2 DC and isn't in a position where there are two other parents who they could potentially go and live with at any time.

What's being suggested here is totally different from OP and DPs own bio children, and everyone involved should be very clear on that before any decisions get made.

I wouldn’t want to do it, for various reasons. Perhaps it’s wrong to admit it, but I’m perfectly ambivalent towards my husband’s siblings children.
It wouldn’t bother me if I never saw any of them again.

But, it’s pretty clear that you don’t want to either, @milkshakess

I wish you all the best with this dilemma.

Presumably if they agree to do this, they would both adopt DN and she would become OP's child. I can't see any other way it would work.

So all the more reason to not add a baby that isn’t hers, and that she doesn’t want.

I’m not sure why OP should be the one to relent in fear of losing the relationship, as if the same doesn’t apply to him. You’d think he’d prioritize his relationship and his own children.

I guess the question is could you see your niece as baby no 3, rather than as putting baby 3 on hold? If you can’t, you’re probably not the right parents for the baby as she’d always feel like an outsider.

I would probably feel the same as your husband. Your household was already ready to welcome another baby. You have the capacity.

I would push for adoption though. Long term care doesn’t benefit children. They should be able to form parental bonds with their caregivers.

the mother clearly has a history. She might agree to a family adoption since she knows she will be the aunt and still have an active role.

How many children have you adopted?

I would have this child over baby number 3, that would be a complete no-brainer to me. But I'm not you.

ETA: I missed the fact that you aren't married. That would change things significantly for me. I wouldn't want another of my own children with this partner until that happened for starters. I would still welcome this child into my family unit but yes DP would need to be caregiver.

Yes she has, but what we do know is that OPs knowledge of the situation thus far leads her to think the majority of the work would be down to her, despite it evidently being her partner who's keener than she is.

I agree though, easy to say yes when it's just a thought experiment! And realistically there's substantial potential to affect the relationship whatever happens. If we allow for the possibility that OH will feel resentful, we need to do the same for OP.

But having another biological child is a completely different decision from adopting or fostering a family member’s traumatised infant. Nothing about it is the same. I’m astonished at the number of posters who seem to think it’s like adopting a puppy rather than going to a breeder because you want a specific breed. I can only assume they have no inkling of the nature of the commitment OP is being asked to make.

I doubt he'd be interested if he had to do the work himself. It's easy to be generous when it isn't your labour your offering up.