OH wants custody of baby niece?

[milkshakess]

So OH's younger sister has recently had a baby and there is possibility that the baby may end up in care.

She already has an 18 year olds on who has lived with their mum since he was 8.

She dips in and out of his life, she even forgot his last birthday, she hasn't really been a mum to him at all. Despite this he has turned out to be a lovely, smart and hard working lad.

Everyone was so surprised by the pregnancy.

From what we understand she was kept in hospital for 2 weeks whilst some kind of team were getting stuff ready for the baby.

I think the hospital staff were monitoring and observing her interact with the baby and something must of been flagged?

Her mum has sold her house and was due to move abroad in September but she had been visiting her and the baby at the hospital daily and helping.

OH isn't really close to his sister but he is close to her son, he calls OH the "best uncle" as him and the other uncles have all chipped into help raise him.
OH would sometimes not see his sister for years and she was always changing her number and would have to talk to her though her son.

Anyway the family don't want the baby to end up in care but everyone has young kids themselves ( we have toddlers and are trying for a 3rd).

OH wants to go for custody but the care would really fall on me and I work from home and have a very flexible job.

Just wanted input on the situation as OH and the family don't want the baby to go into care

She would be your number 3 though wouldn't she?

It’s funny that the short little update you said tells it, you want your own baby, you don’t want this one. The people making it seem over simplified are the ones that would just jump in and start caring for the baby as if it was their own, which is fine if it’s what their gut would say, but you obviously want another baby of your own. You have to say no if you’re not a hundred percent on board. Tough situation op x

Many posters here are actually talking about this baby replacing her own biological baby. Just because they’re in a suitable position to take this baby, doesn’t mean they should.

OH wants to go for custody but the care would really fall on me and I work from home and have a very flexible job.
Just wanted input on the situation as OH and the family don't want the baby to go into care
I feel really sorry for the baby and would love to keep her in the family but I don't see how it would work.
It would also mean putting baby number 3 on hold.

These aren’t the words of someone who is wanting to take his baby in. It sounds like she’s being railroaded. Yes it could work out great for everyone, but it could also lead to catastrophic consequences and resentment too. Why should OP clear up someone else’s mess?

Quite a lot of people on this thread are suggesting a very simplistic view- that the niece becomes baby number 3. If this is something you are considering it may be worth starting a thread for advice on those who have done kinship care or adopted a relative as it is quite specific advice you would need about what you may be entitled to. The main difference I imagine being that you have 9 months to prepare for a baby and can have 12 months off work to settle in.

Someone way back had it right about needing to meet the baby first.

I wouldn’t want some abstract baby with, but it’s such a big decision how can you know what you want at this point.

Your niece would be baby number 3.

I am aware of this practice but wanted to keep it simple, thanks anyway 😀

Look I'm sorry but this is my actual job and what you're saying is wrong.
in all cases of care proceedings the aim is to reunite the child with the parent if possible. But care proceedings are limited in time and scope and once they are concluded all children will have a permanency plan whether that's return to parents or adoption, long term foster care or kinship care. Once a permanency plan has been ratified by the court if it's NOT return to parent then efforts to return them to parents will cease.
In all cases social services will look to family and friends before adoption: that's literally the law. It's unlawful to place a child for adoption where a suitable family member has been identified. And even in adoption these days there is a presumption of ongoing direct contact between a child and birth parents unless there is a very strong reason not to.

The real world in which parents in tribal communities take on relatives’ children without so much hoo ha; where they don’t have a conception of “orphan” as we understand it as the wider family or the tribe take responsibility for the child; they have a great deal less money and resources than in the west.

The real world where adoption into a foreign family is traumatic however well meant; where contact with the birth parents is maintained in many cases these days unless a very good reason eg abuse or criminality.

She wants to have her own biological child.

I was like this - I wanted my kids - love my kids from before being born -- not that keen on others kids even sister kids TBH even as babies.

If I couldn't have had my own kids - not sure we'd have gone to the adoption route - I don't know.

There a DGP adoption going through in wider family - both parents ruled out by SS and that's taken years despite concerns - it's not been at all straight forward and it's taken a lot of thought and work so far.

A lot of posters image themsleves swooping and and saving the child and say of course they'd do it - but few posters who have actually done so they tend to be much more wary and practical. The fostering and adoption boards on here may well be a better place to get information.

I wouldn't like OH expectations that I'd be happy to do all the work - I'd be every worried I'd grow to resent not having child I wanted - plus if this is his guilt talking how comitted is he actually - in a few years would be be favouring his own kids - what if there are development issues - drugs alcohol perhaps a undiagoned condition making his mother behavior so unusal - is he up for that are you. Plus once you have existing kids you do have to factor in how they'll be affected by any changes - plus wider family are they going to be trying to butt in favouring that child above your two. There's a lot to consider - and a lot of unknowns.

I have literally not said anything contradictory to what you have outlined... so take your aggression somewhere else love

She means she doesn't want to put her third baby on hold so can't see how she has room/time for this one.

Again, I don't mean this judgmentally either; she is best to be honest about her feelings.

But pragmatically, op, it would work like twins - and you never know, the third might not come along. Would you regret it if that were the case?

Have you got any children?

The UK is nothing like a tribal community

Adopting the child won’t stop her mother (or father and his family) being a pain in the arse if they’re that way inclined. They will already know or be able to easily find out the whereabouts of the OP/child.

It should absolutely be a big deal.

That child deserves to come into a family where everyone is on board so they will be fully welcomed and included as part of the family.

It's a good thing that op is thinking carefully about this because if she commits she needs to be all in. And she needs to be willing to take on the majority of the care just as she'd do for a biological child. What she cannot do is treat this as a step child situation because she's going to be positioned as the equivalent of this child's mother and source of stability.

The same happened to us. We had ds and were trying for baby 2 when dh nephew was removed at birth and we were put forward as the only option for family carers. I felt massively pressured and had people telling me to put an existing baby before one I hadn’t even conceived yet. MIL tried and failed to pass the assessments and was angry at me for saying no. Dh was hurt as wanted to stop a baby entering the care system. As it was Dh nephew was fostered by a lovely couple who then went on to adopt him.

People will say oh but this is your baby number 3 but it’s not the same. You have to be 100% sure to take on a child that has been removed from their parents these children often have significant difficulties resulting from the circumstances that led to removal and it’s not easy.

You’re not talking about this in way that sounds like you would even consider adopting this baby and treating it as your own. Dont you understand that that would be the only option here? Don’t do it if you don’t want the baby. let the baby go to a family who are desperate to adopt and love it. Keeping the baby in the family isn’t what’s best for it if it won’t have 2 loving parents.

Completely agree

If mum is vulnerable and it's in the child's best interests for there to be contact then it is absolutely right that should be prioritised. It will and should come down to what's best for the child and everyone else will need to put their grown up pants on and be prepared to lean into the rough bits around that. Ops husbands sister obviously has struggled a lot and is not in a great place in herself. Very possible she will turn that around some day, very possible she won't. But it's going to have to be down to what the child needs from that relationship balanced with what the bio mum can actually safely provide in terms of contact.

So it's very important that op and her husband are fully prepared for the mum being in this child's life in some capacity, if not now then possibly in the future.

I don’t know what that even means. We’re all human. Families are small tribes.
Western society tends to be more individualist, selfish and rich, but tribes is where we all came from originally.

And what happens if you agree to this niece coming and you split up with your partner down the line? She’s not your niece and you may not have bonded with her but she will think of you as mum

Would the majority of the care fall to you because you're a SAHM or part time whilst DH works long hours or does he not pull his weight?

Realistically, it would be this baby instead of a third pregnancy (at least for the time being). You're well within your rights to say no, especially if your family circumstances mean it wouldn't be financially viable for your DH to take on the role of primary caregiver.

But you can't control how your DH feels about your decision. If my DH refused to take on my niece, meaning that she went into care, in favour of having another biological child (which suggests you have already established that you have the resources to care for another baby and actively want to grow your family) I'm not sure our relationship would survive.

Equally, you can't take in a baby that you don't want. It wouldn't be fair on anyone, especially the child.

It's a huge decision and it's likely to have big repercussions either way. Is couples counselling an option before the decision needs to be made?

This is probably one of those cases that if it’s not an enthusiastic yes (which it isn’t), then it has to be a no.

Op I think you both need councilling before you decide to do this.
If you adopt this baby and yes I would want full adoption with all the legal rights not just foster where she could end up being placed back with the Mum in a few years.

I'm guessing the baby's Gran feels she is too old, fair enough she must be 60+ raised her own brood and the DGS for the last 8 years.

If you take this baby on would you still want to have a 4th child?
And all the costs involved with 4 children?
Bigger house, bigger cars, more expensive holidays?

Or would it be this is 3rd and last, would you regret not having a 3rd bio child?