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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OH wants custody of baby niece?

999 replies

milkshakess · 08/05/2026 10:55

So OH's younger sister has recently had a baby and there is possibility that the baby may end up in care.

She already has an 18 year olds on who has lived with their mum since he was 8.

She dips in and out of his life, she even forgot his last birthday, she hasn't really been a mum to him at all. Despite this he has turned out to be a lovely, smart and hard working lad.

Everyone was so surprised by the pregnancy.

From what we understand she was kept in hospital for 2 weeks whilst some kind of team were getting stuff ready for the baby.

I think the hospital staff were monitoring and observing her interact with the baby and something must of been flagged?

Her mum has sold her house and was due to move abroad in September but she had been visiting her and the baby at the hospital daily and helping.

OH isn't really close to his sister but he is close to her son, he calls OH the "best uncle" as him and the other uncles have all chipped into help raise him.
OH would sometimes not see his sister for years and she was always changing her number and would have to talk to her though her son.

Anyway the family don't want the baby to end up in care but everyone has young kids themselves ( we have toddlers and are trying for a 3rd).

OH wants to go for custody but the care would really fall on me and I work from home and have a very flexible job.

Just wanted input on the situation as OH and the family don't want the baby to go into care

OP posts:
Sunisgettinganewhaton · 08/05/2026 10:56

Then oh needs to prepare to make himself available to parent the poor baby. He can't play the hero then expect your life to change.

MidnightPatrol · 08/05/2026 10:56

You haven’t said how you feel about it

Cheesipuff · 08/05/2026 10:57

Doesn’t ‘in to care’ mean adopted which could be for the best

Eviebeans · 08/05/2026 10:58

What did you say when he suggested it

Eviebeans · 08/05/2026 10:58

I think you should be really honest about it from the outset

RoseField1 · 08/05/2026 10:58

Cheesipuff · 08/05/2026 10:57

Doesn’t ‘in to care’ mean adopted which could be for the best

Edited

Not immediately, it will be foster care if no family members come forward. But eventually for a baby yes it will be adoption if the mum can't parent and the father can't either. It's generally better for children to be raised within their family than to be adopted.

YourShyLion · 08/05/2026 10:59

Your kids are at a good age for a baby to come along. You want another child of your own so they would be raised together and you have a flexible job.

Sounds like a no brainer. Welcome the little one to your family!

Original poster
milkshakess · 08/05/2026 10:59

I feel really sorry for the baby and would love to keep her in the family but I don't see how it would work.

It would also mean putting baby number 3 on hold.

OP posts:
RoseField1 · 08/05/2026 11:00

YourShyLion · 08/05/2026 10:59

Your kids are at a good age for a baby to come along. You want another child of your own so they would be raised together and you have a flexible job.

Sounds like a no brainer. Welcome the little one to your family!

Waaaay too simplistic

AmberSpy · 08/05/2026 11:00

milkshakess · 08/05/2026 10:59

I feel really sorry for the baby and would love to keep her in the family but I don't see how it would work.

It would also mean putting baby number 3 on hold.

What do you mean by "I don't see how it would work"?

I don't mean this question judgmentally at all btw, just trying to understand

RoseField1 · 08/05/2026 11:01

milkshakess · 08/05/2026 10:59

I feel really sorry for the baby and would love to keep her in the family but I don't see how it would work.

It would also mean putting baby number 3 on hold.

It would only work if you were 100% committed to basically adopting the baby. Would you?

inmyhair · 08/05/2026 11:01

You need to be really honest about how you feel.

You also need to make it clear to him that he has to do all the grunt work, all the contacting SS, all the meetings, all the form fillings, thats on him, not you. I'm guessing he wants to get a kinship foster payment for doing so. Whatever you do, don't let him go ahead with that, get all the benefits and payments, and use your unpaid labour for looking after the baby.

Or better still, tell him you just don't want to.

HenDoNot · 08/05/2026 11:01

So your OH wants to play the white knight by handing a baby over to you to care for?

And you’re not even married?

Hard no from me.

He would need to come up with a plan as to how he was going to look after this child.

Notupforthis · 08/05/2026 11:02

I think you need a long serious discussion about how this will work, what it means for your other DC eg a baby may be in and out of their lives if Mum comes back. What if Mum has more babies in the future? If you are the babies 'parents' then could you turn your back on potentially multiple more siblings?

ToKittyornottoKitty · 08/05/2026 11:02

milkshakess · 08/05/2026 10:59

I feel really sorry for the baby and would love to keep her in the family but I don't see how it would work.

It would also mean putting baby number 3 on hold.

Would you not consider niece instead of baby number 3? You have 2 children already and a family member who may need a home….

ThePaleDreamer · 08/05/2026 11:03

OH wants to go for custody but the care would really fall on me and I work from home and have a very flexible job.

I'm not sure I could be with someone who would allow my sisters child to go in to foster care to be honest.

But still if he must do this, then he needs a plan about how much he will be doing, and not leave it to you

OriginalUsername2 · 08/05/2026 11:04

YourShyLion · 08/05/2026 10:59

Your kids are at a good age for a baby to come along. You want another child of your own so they would be raised together and you have a flexible job.

Sounds like a no brainer. Welcome the little one to your family!

It’s not as simple as swapping the planned baby for this baby who will have their own mum in the world who may or may not visit / want them back at some point and all the logistics and emotions that would involve.

Binus · 08/05/2026 11:04

Have you started this thread because you need it reinforcing that it's ok for you not to want him and the family to volunteer you to take on the care of an adopted baby?

If so, it's very much ok for you not to want that.

PinkFrogss · 08/05/2026 11:04

I can understand where he is coming from.

How would you feel about adopting niece but no longer trying for baby no 3, or having 4 children total?

I think you need to be fully honest with him, but be prepared for him to be upset. At the end of the day if you don’t want to adopt her then you shouldn’t, having a child at all, let alone adopting one, is not a decision to be coerced into.

turkeyboots · 08/05/2026 11:05

Well this would be Baby 3. It has to be a joint decision though, DH can't decide for you both. You need a hard and honest conversation.

WhatAMarvelousTune · 08/05/2026 11:06

the care would really fall on me and I work from home and have a very flexible job

What do you mean? You couldn’t be caring for a baby while working? Is that your OH’s plan?

The only way this could possibly work is if you foster to adopt, and your OH takes the statutory leave that comes with that. This isn’t available for kinship carers.

ThejoyofNC · 08/05/2026 11:07

What do you mean by how it would work? You're preparing for a third baby, can't you adopt this one?

BudgetBuster · 08/05/2026 11:07

I think its an absolutely huge decision. Have you spoken to social services about what this would really look like... would you be Aunt & Uncle, and the babies mother still in and out of its life (because IMO, that could be very harmful for the baby and for your children).

If your DPs sister is that scatty in everyday life and goes MIA, that's an awful lot for you all to deal with.

What would happen if in a years time she shows up with another unexpected baby?

fiorentina · 08/05/2026 11:08

Your baby number 3 would basically become baby number 4?

You are not clear on how you feel. How is the baby, does the mother have addiction issues, would there be potential for additional needs - foetal alcohol syndrome for example, down the line and how could you cope with those alongside the needs of your own children.

There is a huge amount to think about and it sounds like your in laws won’t be around to support you. You and DH need some serious practical discussions.

RoseField1 · 08/05/2026 11:09

ThejoyofNC · 08/05/2026 11:07

What do you mean by how it would work? You're preparing for a third baby, can't you adopt this one?

Jesus. Babies aren't interchangeable.