OH wants custody of baby niece?

[milkshakess]

So OH's younger sister has recently had a baby and there is possibility that the baby may end up in care.

She already has an 18 year olds on who has lived with their mum since he was 8.

She dips in and out of his life, she even forgot his last birthday, she hasn't really been a mum to him at all. Despite this he has turned out to be a lovely, smart and hard working lad.

Everyone was so surprised by the pregnancy.

From what we understand she was kept in hospital for 2 weeks whilst some kind of team were getting stuff ready for the baby.

I think the hospital staff were monitoring and observing her interact with the baby and something must of been flagged?

Her mum has sold her house and was due to move abroad in September but she had been visiting her and the baby at the hospital daily and helping.

OH isn't really close to his sister but he is close to her son, he calls OH the "best uncle" as him and the other uncles have all chipped into help raise him.
OH would sometimes not see his sister for years and she was always changing her number and would have to talk to her though her son.

Anyway the family don't want the baby to end up in care but everyone has young kids themselves ( we have toddlers and are trying for a 3rd).

OH wants to go for custody but the care would really fall on me and I work from home and have a very flexible job.

Just wanted input on the situation as OH and the family don't want the baby to go into care

I would struggle with my dniece going into care while proactively trying to conceive another baby. However my experience is of my own DNiece (i.e. my sisters baby). I’d maybe feel differently if it was dh’s sisters baby - I don’t know

Your own genetic child is a lot different to someones unrelated to you child. Who knows who the father is and what genetic traits will be passed down
No one has to take on other people's children just because they want a child of their own

Could you consider adopting the baby then she becomes yours and is your third?

It's ok to say no, like the rest of the family. You have young kids, like the rest of the family.

But you will have to talk to your OH about it. How he thinks the logistics will work. How he will manage his sister when she turns up announced., what impact the whole thing will have on your own children.. How much involvement will the rest of the family have? Will there be underlying inequality between the children in the household? And of course the relationship between you and OH- would you resent hom & the baby if it means no 3rd pregnancy for you?

It’s not wrong for you to not want this but then it’s also fair enough if he won’t see the baby going into care.

some comments above about your OH doing all the work on this but is that realistic? IF he is the breadwinner for your family and you all need him to be working then I think the position is more complicated than just saying he needs to bear the brunt of the labour of raising this baby. In that situation I would find it hard for my partner not to accept we need to welcome this close blood relative into our family (need a separate conversation about whether there will still be fourth baby to try for).

have you met the baby? I feel like this decision would be simpler once the baby is in your arms as you will either want to keep it or you won’t so then it’s just a question of being honest with yourself and others.

Well, it's a huge decision and something that will involve a lot of talking between you and your partner before that decision is made. You would be kinship carers for the baby and would both need to be fully on board to provide the care and support that she needs. There would presumably be a process of assessment with social services to determine if this is the right placement for baby. You would also have to take into account possibly having to facilitate contact with birth mother and father which can be time consuming when you have a young family yourself. All in all, there's an awful lot to think about and you shouldn't rush into anything.

This is a really good post and definitely one to take note of.

I have worked for social services and adoptions are complicated and children often grow up with trauma. Could you cope with that?

To the posters who said "Play the hero" "be the white knight" about your dp,
DFO!!!!.
He sounds like an amazing man. How would you feel if it was YOUR relative op??
If you have "room" in your home and heart, I would take this wee one. You have already said you were planning on having a 3rd, so you do have capacity.
Hell would need be getting pretty damn cold for me to let a child in my family enter the care system

One baby is much like another.. you wanted one so have this one..

DP does need to step up though.

I can’t imagine letting a niece going into care rather than providing a home for her.

I really couldn’t. Unimaginably cold decison.

Especially when you are already up for baby #3

It is easy to be an amazing man when you're not the one who has to do the most work to care for the baby though. OP also works as well as doing the lion's share of the childcare.

I was thinking this too. Adoption would only work if both OP and her OH are fully board.

So it would depend on whether OP wants her own baby (which she is allowed to want). Or whether she could come to see her OH’s niece as her own.

I’m a social worker and you are going to get a lot of pressure to foster

DONT do it it.
if mum were deceased different story but under these circs will not end well.

But he wouldn’t be able to raise the baby alone without upending their lives. So you are giving him credit for co-opting in his partner to raise a child.

It becomes pretty bloody important when a relationship breaks down and one party has taken the financial hit of home and child responsibilities.

This is the kind of decision and change which can put even a strong relationship in difficulties and would be even if the OH was planning to take responsibility for the child he wants to bring into their family.

Its a huge decision and needs a lot of thought as well as discussions on eg finances, will the mother drop in and out of the child’s life as she has done with the older child (potential disruption), does the child have any special needs to consider which will impact the rest of the household?

Its all very well for the OH to want to play white knight but he doesn’t intend to be carrying the load.

No way on this earth would I ever let my sister’s kid be adopted/go into care.

Except a biological baby and a kinship baby are VERY different

I would say no, it’s just too much of an imposition on you.

This baby is not the OP's sister's kid, not even her sister-in-law's kid.

Agreed. If I were in this situation and I agreed to this (big if) I would want adoption and all the parenting rights involved with that. And any rights that come with marriage.

There’s no way I’d be raising a baby that would go to my ex and in laws in the event of separation.

FFS. An orphaned child is now an "imposition". Some of the people commenting on here are absolutely disgraceful.

She is in a long term relationship with her partner though, so it’s clearly still something to consider

It won’t be their baby. They will effectively be fostering whilst the child’s actual mother repeats the pattern of the first child.

Its a totally different situation and potentially much more disruptive to their existing children. I would want good advice from an independent social worker or similar (but they need to be indie, the local SWs will be tasked with trying to force the child onto any relative available).

The child is not an orphan

As good as.