OH wants custody of baby niece?

[milkshakess]

So OH's younger sister has recently had a baby and there is possibility that the baby may end up in care.

She already has an 18 year olds on who has lived with their mum since he was 8.

She dips in and out of his life, she even forgot his last birthday, she hasn't really been a mum to him at all. Despite this he has turned out to be a lovely, smart and hard working lad.

Everyone was so surprised by the pregnancy.

From what we understand she was kept in hospital for 2 weeks whilst some kind of team were getting stuff ready for the baby.

I think the hospital staff were monitoring and observing her interact with the baby and something must of been flagged?

Her mum has sold her house and was due to move abroad in September but she had been visiting her and the baby at the hospital daily and helping.

OH isn't really close to his sister but he is close to her son, he calls OH the "best uncle" as him and the other uncles have all chipped into help raise him.
OH would sometimes not see his sister for years and she was always changing her number and would have to talk to her though her son.

Anyway the family don't want the baby to end up in care but everyone has young kids themselves ( we have toddlers and are trying for a 3rd).

OH wants to go for custody but the care would really fall on me and I work from home and have a very flexible job.

Just wanted input on the situation as OH and the family don't want the baby to go into care

This baby exists, but it isn’t her baby. She wants to have her own biological child.

OP, if this isn’t what you wholeheartedly want then don’t be strong armed into it. You already know the work will fall on you whilst your partner basks in the praise.

If the sister is living a chaotic lifestyle I would also be concerned as to what the baby has been exposed to in utero.

It's true that that might be a strong reason to decide to have the baby adopted outside the family. The little girl would probably be best off not having her mum flitting in and out of her life.

This. You need to be hones with yourself and DP and his family. It is the biggest commitment you can make,. I think you would have to potentially accept you would likely land up having this baby instead of your 3rd, it depends how you feel about that. Do not be pressured into it

You say this as if it’s so simple 😑

As a pp has already said, there was a very similar thread about such a situation recently. As I recall, the DH in that one was similarly enthusiastic but wasn't going to do the grunt work of raising the baby.

Would it be you adopting the baby? If so, it’s not really different to you having number 3 unless it’s important to you that they are biologically yours / no other parent is involved (not saying there is anything wrong with this, I don’t know how I would feel given this choice)

I don't think I could see a family baby go into care if I could possibly avoid it happening

Ask your OH to step up and say how he will help more with parenting
Also if you aren't married it's time to think hard about whether you are sufficiently financially protected

Yep. Too simplistic. Babies are not interchangeable. Not everyone wants to adopt a child.

He can make it happen then if he’s so keen! He can’t just decide and then leave you to do the majority of the heavy lifting. As others have said you aren’t even married so you are already quite exposed. How do your finances stack up? Would they even support 3 or 4 children well?

Oh gosh, I couldn’t stop thinking about that baby for the rest of my life if it went into care

Is your OH suggesting you try to adopt/have custody of his baby niece rather than trying for a third baby of your own? If that's the case, then presumably the situation with caring for the baby would be the same in terms of you doing most things because you're the one who works from home. However, obviously it's a massive decision to effectively become a mother to a baby that isn't biologically yours and you are absolutely not obliged to do that. It's a huge, huge ask of you and unless you think you could love the baby as you do your own biological children, I don't think it would be right to do it.

So simplistic. Not everyone wants to adopt. Not everyone is not suitable as an adoptive parent. Some people know they will not love the child as they would their own. And that’s fine. Just as some people no, they’re not able to be a carer for their parent or have a dog or live on a houseboat

That isn't how these type of situations work though. The goal is always to reunite the child with biological parents where possible, or for them to have an active role in the child's life (outside of dangerous circumstances etc).

The OP and her partner need to sit with social services and actually find out what the plan would be.

It is highly unlikely that they could adopt the baby with zero interaction with the mother.

It is not the same at all. With the Mum still a part of the family, OP will never be Mum in the same way she is to her other babies, regardless of what legal documents say. For example SS aren't going to step in if at 14 years old niece decides to move in with bio Mum. They may want to move in with bio Mum as there are no rules there, let's boyfriends stay over or let's the DC drink, smoke or take drugs. Then there is the impact a sibling like that may have on her other DC. It is harder to guide and parent a DC in this scenario. This child will also have trauma from the abandonment.

Well here you got yourself baby number 3. I couldn't live with myself making a baby while at the same time rejecting this poor baby who is already here.

It's not about being interchangeable. They've already decided they will welcome another baby into their family. And now this baby, who is blood relative to their existing children, needs a home. It seems like a no brainer.

I think you would be taking on a great deal here .You have 2 LO of your own and are trying for a third child.Its understandable that DH wants to help,realistically its you that would be doing most of the work of course! I would explain that you cannot manage and he will have to do quite a bit. Dont be sucked unto anything though . Make it clear he has to pick up the slack

I applaud the family for not wanting this baby to go into care, but lets be honest here - you are NOT family. You are not married to OH, so no long term financial commitment, and, if things go tits up guess who'll be left holding the baby - you. That is, a baby to whom you are not related. My suggestion is that someone in their actual family takes custody.

I agree with this. Your partner wants to get the credit for being a hero whilst you are the one who does the work and makes the sacrifices.
It sounds like a typical man's modus operandi to me, he tries to get the glory and leaves the woman to do the work and take all the hits.
Edited after I realised that you are not married. Which makes it worse, he won't commit to you but you're supposed to make sacrifices to make him look good.

This

Would HE not get adoption leave equivalent to parental leave anyway?

If her babies keep being looked after by family where does it end though. I wouldn't do it personally as tough as that may be.

As someone who was brought up by extended family with her biological mother coming in and out when she felt like it: don't do this unless you are 100% enthusiastic. In some ways I think it'd have been so much easier if I had been adopted outside of the family, the halfway house I ended up in caused so much pain and confusion for all concerned. Definitely not something to be entered into reluctantly.

There are worse things in life than being raised by biologically unrelated parents who have been prepared (as far as is possible) for the difficulties of this situation.

This baby would be baby 3.

I think you need to be very very wary.
I have a friend who was in this situation and became a kinship carer for her half siblings baby when SS had concerns and intervened.
The intention was that they (friend and her husband) would become legal guardians or adopt the child and the bio parent would have some contact in a sort of uncle/aunt capacity.

They went through a really painful rigorous process of being assessed. Every aspect of their lives quizzed and turned over. But then SS grew increasingly alarmed at the dynamic between the child and bio parent and decided bio parent needed to be kept out of child's life. Child went to foster carers and friend was told they could only adopt if they could rule out all contact with the bio parent which would mean moving away, their own kids leaving their schools and friends and the family changing their surname, a bit like witness protection. It would have been huge upheaval and they decided not to do it, but were heartbroken as the child had lived with them nearly a year and they had really bonded. They've since heard child will now be adopted by another family. Poor thing is still tiny but has had four different families/homes and so much disruption.

Also west happens if the sister keeps on having babies? One has been taken in by MIL. One taken in by you(?) If she has a third or fourth what then?