OH wants custody of baby niece?

[milkshakess]

So OH's younger sister has recently had a baby and there is possibility that the baby may end up in care.

She already has an 18 year olds on who has lived with their mum since he was 8.

She dips in and out of his life, she even forgot his last birthday, she hasn't really been a mum to him at all. Despite this he has turned out to be a lovely, smart and hard working lad.

Everyone was so surprised by the pregnancy.

From what we understand she was kept in hospital for 2 weeks whilst some kind of team were getting stuff ready for the baby.

I think the hospital staff were monitoring and observing her interact with the baby and something must of been flagged?

Her mum has sold her house and was due to move abroad in September but she had been visiting her and the baby at the hospital daily and helping.

OH isn't really close to his sister but he is close to her son, he calls OH the "best uncle" as him and the other uncles have all chipped into help raise him.
OH would sometimes not see his sister for years and she was always changing her number and would have to talk to her though her son.

Anyway the family don't want the baby to end up in care but everyone has young kids themselves ( we have toddlers and are trying for a 3rd).

OH wants to go for custody but the care would really fall on me and I work from home and have a very flexible job.

Just wanted input on the situation as OH and the family don't want the baby to go into care

No need to interchange, this baby exists, the planned third is just hypothetical.

Are you married OP, as long term that does make a difference in the eventuality of unexpected early death, benefits etc.

What is your housing situation, do you have space for this child.

Will the birth mother be involved in any way or just erratically popping in and out of the life of this child, where is the father and his family, will they want contact and are they safe to be in contact.

What is your DP actually expecting of you, is he expecting you to sacrifice having any further child of your own, you to do all childcare as you are already doing that anyway so what's one more, or has he actually come up with a plan to provide care, changing working hours, changing job for greater flexibility if needed.

You need to think really long term about what this means for all your family, not just react to a child possibly being placed for adoption.

Finally what's happening with the 18 year old as his GM is moving, is he going too or just being left to his own devices as barely an adult.

Are SS involved? Has Dsis said she doesn’t want care of the baby? If not, a parenting assessment will likely be done, she will (arguably) have changed a lot in 18 years, given that her son wasn’t removed my the courts she’d stand a fair chance of being allowed to parent the baby. Are you just assuming it will be removed or have SS already done a pre birth assessment and going for immediate removal?

She's not just his girlfriend, she's the mother of his two kids. Let's not get hung up on the marital status, many people choose not to get married.

It sounds like they are in a stable and loving partnership and he wants to consider something as a family which the OP is considering.

This. He has a lot of questions to answer and he must have a plan including the sacrifices he will be making, not you.

It's not what you had planned, so I can see why it's thrown everything you'd envisioned in the air leaving you conflicted and unsure. It's a big decision. In your position I'd adopt her, especially as you're already planning on expanding your family in the near future. Plus, if I didn't and she was out there with another family I know if feel terrible about it forever. But it's also ok for you to not want to.

(And I didn't have a third in no large part because of pregnancy itself, so not having to have that physical upheaval would be a bonus to me).

As an outsider it does seem obvious to me that if you’re planning to or trying for a third and there’s a little baby out there (a member of your family) who needs a safe home then you’d adopt that baby and that would be DC3 but I fully get it’s not as simple as that.

I think this is a major worry. I think I could take on a baby if I could raise them as my own. What I couldn't do is all the physical and emotional care only to not be able to make decisions about how the child is raised or have someone, who would potentially be a destabilising influence, coming in and out of that child's life at their will. Is it likely you would be able to adopt at some point? If you are not married, presumably you would have no rights to see this child if you split? It would be incredibly difficult to care for a baby day-to-day and not become emotionally attached to them (though I appreciate foster parents cope amazingly with this and clearly are very special people indeed).

This is a huge life decision and as others have said, it's okay to say no if you don't think you can do it.

That's quite optimistic. She probably knows where they live, for starters. She's already established a behavioural pattern that involves her flitting in and out of her older child's life while he's raised by family, meaning we already know how she wants to do things.

Marriage is just a piece of paper

Sorry I have to jump in to correct you there.
Marriage is a legal contract that implies pooling of wealth (theoretical, but actualised in the event of divorce), with massive implications for things like inheritance, wills, tax, decision-making for medical emergencies and end-of-life, etc.
It is absolutely not just a piece of paper, any more than any other legally contract is 'just a piece of paper'.

The term “custody” has not been used since 1991.

i suggest that you think about special guardianship. The LA should fund a session of legal advice for you.

Aww, would you consider her to be your third? 🥉

I think the right thing to do is focus on a baby that does exist rather than one you haven't yet conceived.

If you did this, this would be baby number 3 you should only do this if you intend to raise this child as your own.

i do find it odd when people see nieces and nephews on their other half’s side of the family as not their nieces and nephews too. I’m auntie to sills children and never though myself as anything else

Yes, as well as whether SS are actually seeking kinship care -- that the OP doesn't say whether they or other family members have actually been approached.

Adopt. The baby will be your 3rd. I don't see the issue. It's not like it's his affair baby.

It's not as simple as just taking the baby in. Social services might still push for adoption in the OP's circumstances. Adoption might be in the child's best interests.

are they asking you to be kinship carers?
I’d likely want to adopt the niece, not have the ins and outs of her birth parents being a pain in the arse tbh. However, you don’t seem keen. Not everyone is able to love a non biologically related child as a parent and that’s ok. You just need to be honest and say no you want your 3rd child to be your birth child.

There was a very similar thread recently, but I don't know how it panned out in the end.

OP, if you're not 100% up for this (and I wouldn't be, if I were in your shoes) you need to say NO. Very clearly, and very soon.

All of this.

Plus key dates such as birthday and Christmas are likely to be tensions as to whether or not the mum will actually do contact or let child down. The sister will very much be an addition in family and set the tone for all sorts of things. Do you want this for your own children. It won’t be easy ( but hey good things seldom are!) and you need to be 100% ok in your own relationship to chat things through.

As several previous posters have replied to you, marriage is hugely important and brings myriad legal status, protections and benefits.
So yes, language matters, OP is legally single. Girlfriend and partner are both words to mean legally single. This matters here because there could be implications for adoption and legalities.
Regardless, the boyfriend does not get to dump a child on OP.

People that say this could be your third baby are being too simplistic, raising someone else's baby is a massive responsibility, I have done it twice myself. You have to really, really want to do it. You and your OH need to discuss this seriously, and if you are open to the idea, he needs to come up with a plan that allows him to do his share of the care, and allows you to continue with your flexible job, and a joint decision around the plan for the third baby that you want.

Depending what other issues may present (substance abuse that might affect the baby?), I wouldn't have hesitated with my kids at the age yours are. That depends on things like everyone's health and the bigger picture though.

Speaking for where I was at that stage of life, I would probably agree if DH married me and I'd want to legally adopt the baby, not just have it in foster care. We'd also have to discuss if we were going for our own baby still, which I would probably have wanted to.

It's also valid to consider if you want to be a SAHM for a while, which could be a condition since you'll be the main carer, as you will have your hands very full for a while.

Maybe some family counselling together will help you work through all the ins and outs with someone who might be able to raise things you might not have thought of?

Do you get some sort of payments for taking the baby on? Like foster carer payments? Could that be used for nannying?
Im not sure how it wotks but if he is expecting to take the baby on and then hand it over to you for the care then I would not be up for that at all.
If he is going to do majority of care and pay for the child then thats different and maybe then it would be ok, but it sounds like he just will be handing baby over to you, when it really isnt your problem at all.

This niece would effectively be your baby #3