OH wants custody of baby niece?

[milkshakess]

So OH's younger sister has recently had a baby and there is possibility that the baby may end up in care.

She already has an 18 year olds on who has lived with their mum since he was 8.

She dips in and out of his life, she even forgot his last birthday, she hasn't really been a mum to him at all. Despite this he has turned out to be a lovely, smart and hard working lad.

Everyone was so surprised by the pregnancy.

From what we understand she was kept in hospital for 2 weeks whilst some kind of team were getting stuff ready for the baby.

I think the hospital staff were monitoring and observing her interact with the baby and something must of been flagged?

Her mum has sold her house and was due to move abroad in September but she had been visiting her and the baby at the hospital daily and helping.

OH isn't really close to his sister but he is close to her son, he calls OH the "best uncle" as him and the other uncles have all chipped into help raise him.
OH would sometimes not see his sister for years and she was always changing her number and would have to talk to her though her son.

Anyway the family don't want the baby to end up in care but everyone has young kids themselves ( we have toddlers and are trying for a 3rd).

OH wants to go for custody but the care would really fall on me and I work from home and have a very flexible job.

Just wanted input on the situation as OH and the family don't want the baby to go into care

An orphaned child? The child wouldn't be orphaned.

Kinship carers is an absolutely HUGE imposition

It’s DH’s sister’s kid. If it were my sister’s kid I’d take the same line as him.

I don’t think it’s a good idea unless you are wholeheartedly in favour. It would also make more sense for your OH to take the time off work given it’s his relative. He needs to get real and think this through properly.

What would be disgraceful is having this responsibility placed upon their shoulders and feeling obligated to do it

To be fair you can't really cut ties in regular adoption these days. It's part of the reason that the number of potential adopters has fallen massively.

The child is not orphaned? She has a mother and presumably a bio father too

I know a couple who have kinship fostered his nephew and niece, but she was 100% on board. They also have two of their own. It won't be nice for baby if you don't want her, so I don't think you should go ahead.

No. The mum is very much alive, and could be involved for the child’s entire life, 100% not the same as both parents being dead regardless of wether we think OP should take on the baby or not.

You don't have to do this, OP, and I think you should say no sooner rather than later.

You cant just "sub-in" a child, and with that child there's going to come a lot of familial baggage and pressure through to adulthood, particularly as the sister is still on the scene and appears to be a nightmare.

Foster/adoption away from that dynamic may be the better option and this is not your problem to resolve.

I agree with @ToKittyornottoKitty , adopt this baby that already exists instead of trying for your own baby number 3? That is the only way it could work realistically.

If it's not for you then be honest and upfront.

So your husband wants you to care for his nice so it comes to you to care for them not him yet you want a 3rd? So wouldnt this all come to you anyway?

Well I think you'd have to see this baby as your number 3. If you are going for custody aren't you basically adopting this child and agreeing as a couple to raise it as your own? This will be your third child, any other child you have will be baby number 4.
You need to be able to commit to raise this child as your own as a couple.

Or put off their baby number 3 for a few years.

It would probably be a special guardianship order which is very similar to adoption in terms of the decision making power of the carers but it does not sever the legal relationship between birth parent and child

That's not how these situations work.
They would become Kinship Carers (similar to foster parents). The biological parents would still be involved. SS will likely want to achieve reunification with the biological mother if she proves to be a safe and competent parent. Or the biological Father might come on the scene (it's not clear if he's even aware).

Adoption is very unlikely and if it did ultimately end up in adoption it would be years down the line.

Not remotely.

This baby has two parents, one of whom has already established a pattern of turning up sporadically whilst family members raise her child. And we have no information on the father and his family, who might also want involvement even if they're not able/willing to look after the baby themselves.

None of which is to say kinship care wouldn't work in this situation, but going into it with the idea that the baby is effectively an orphan is asking for trouble.

why can none of the others take the baby?

If you can’t see baby no 3 being this baby, then perhaps this isn’t for you. I think it would be a shame for the baby to miss out on it’s real family if that’s an option, but as a newborn it will easily find a permanent adopted place.
One of my uncles was taken in this way, and I can’t imagine home not being part of our family the way he is now.

If I was OH I wouldn't want no number 3 after having turned this baby down.

No, she absolutely does not have baby number 3 here. This baby will always be her niece, at best, unless she adopts her legally. Even then, because of the close family connection, no one will ever consider her to be the mother. She'll be doing all the grunt work for a child that is not hers. That's all well and good IF you are planning to adopt but it absolutely does not replace her actual baby.

I wouldn't do it, not at the expense of having my own child. If I was done with pregnancies/babies, I'd consider it.

Assuming they are in the UK, OP can't adopt her neice.

We have moved on from pretending gran /aunt / big sister is mummy.

It would need to be an SGO or Child Arrangement Order or similar.

Not true if the permanency plan was not to return to parent's care. Courts don't keep babies hanging about in limbo indefinitely waiting for parents to get their act together.

No one here can tell you what to do OP. Only you know how this would work with your family. You’re planning your own 3rd baby .. that’s very different to taking on someone else’s baby. I get you feel sorry for the baby, but that doesn’t make her your responsibility to bring up, care for and love for the rest of her life.

Where is the father of the baby? Does he intend to be involved? Does anyone even know who or where he is?

Who and where is the baby’s dad? Why is the mum not considered safe to keep the baby? Has the baby been exposed to drugs, alcohol or domestic violence?

The majority of the replies are typical for this sort of thread. It’s extremely easy to be generous with someone else’s time, energy and resources. Sorry this has happened and that your partner is so inconsiderate of your right to an equal say in something so massive and life changing.