To tell in-laws to do one?

[FriendlyMedusa]

Okay obviously I won't phrase it like that, but DH and I are thinking about sending a message to his family's WhatsApp chat asking them to back off for a bit.

In the last month DH has been made redundant, our beloved cat had to be put to sleep, and I had my fingers broken in a random attack by a stranger. We're both a mess and the last thing we want is to host his parents. They do know about all of these things happening.

Last week they (MIL and FIL) texted that they "must" visit for 3 days in May. We said May is really busy and we're too stressed, how about June? - No reply.
Today they sent a text saying they ARE coming round for 3 days... From tomorrow! They live at the opposite end of the country, FTR, and we do not see them often. DH reiterates that we don't want to and are busy. Cue barrage of guilt-tripping, insulting texts from them:

"You seem to lead very chaotic lives but that is no excuse to not spend time with us."
"You have really upset [MIL]. This is not acceptable. "
"You will not be welcome at our home again until you apologise to [MIL]."
"We are still driving up tomorrow. If you will not at least meet us for a couple of hours, there will be consequences."

Whew. I don't want to reward this behaviour (it happens every few months) but I'm tempted to just for an easier life. Help?

"Drive wherever you like whenever you like, you are of course free to spend your time and your money as you wish. The same is true for us. We have told you that seeing you in May doesn't work for us and that still stands. We will not be cajoled, threatened or blackmailed into spending time with anybody for any reason. If you wish to make arrangements to see us in June, you will need to approach us with a much more respectful and pleasant attitude.

If your messages continue in this manner we will block you."

They have probably set up a trip, & you are on the itinerary.
Can your H respond "I'm sorry that Mum is upset, However at X days notice, you asked if it was convenient, & were told it simply is not. We proposed June, so If you wish to park on the drive, you can, but as I have said several times now, we have plans this w/e, & will not be available. Please let me know if June works for you."

Please don't use the word sorry to people like this, even when it's phrased in a non-apology way like this.

Everything about their rhetoric is about their weird power games. They'd spin the word sorry into an admission of guilt that they'll dine out on for months.

OH no!!! let them park on the drive and they will be there to make the snotty comments again.

I’ve gone through exactly this and sent something similar to JoyNC. After far too long trying to negotiate we realised that ‘No, that doesn’t work for us.’ is a complete sentence. Their tantrum is 100% their problem. My in-laws are wealthy too - end result was yes DH cut off and we are NC. No regrets.

Don't be worried about telling them not to come. They have proven themselves to be horrible narcissistic people. If you go online there will be thousands of people discussing this exact same thing. The inviting themselves at an inconvenient time helps them establish a position of control; their reaction to NO allows them to reverse the narrative and paint themselves the victim; the enabling other parent telling you to apologise to the narcissist and finally them respecting no boundary and coming anyway. Has your DH not figured out what type of personality type he is dealing with especially the mother? It will help him a lot to read more about these traits

My inlaws were horrendous when my kids were younger and i completely understand your point of view. My kids are older now and ,while I would never behave like your inlaws , I do understand their behaviour. When your kids get older they have their own lives and they may not have as much time for you as they had they were younger. It can be very heartbreaking and while they are completely unreasonable I think that they probably miss their son. I would think of a way for them to spend time with you all without causing you any stress. Maybe in the summer a few days nearby and they could come for a few hours?

I'm not sure what you mean by more to it. I'm sure they do feel a bit ignored. We used to try harder but it's down to 1-2 visits a year.

We last saw them several months ago when they declared with <48 hours' notice that they were coming to visit when they knew full well we were packing up to move house in 4 days. It became the same guilt-trip spiral of "MIL is devastated", "You are terrible people" etc.
In the end we gave in because the stress of fielding them was so exhausting. But it was a stony visit and I regret that we bowed to them.

"He has low self-esteem"

Gee I wonder why!

I was very triggered reading this post because this is exactly the kind of things my parents said and did all my life. I was your husband in this situation. My self-esteem was in the gutter. I felt worse every time I saw them. I never wanted to see them or speak to them. But I felt "guilty" and obligated because they had trained me to feel like that way, in addition to training me to be chronically ashamed of my mere existence. I tolerated this for 39 years. It nearly destroyed my marriage. And one day I just couldn't live like this for even one more day and went NC. I never thought I would. I didn't plan it. But I was pushed to that point.

Your husband may or may not reach that point. But one thing I can promise you is that every time you came to their demands, you are just showing them that they can treat you like this. I am sure that even if you told them exactly what is going in your life and why you are asking them to come at a different time, it will make no difference. These are controlling, selfish, entitled bullies, who will use every tool necessary to get their way with no compassion, empathy, or consideration to anyone else.

People with this level of controlling mindset will never see their adult children as adults. The mere fact that they are not only using emotional blackmail through guilt trips but also the threats, just confirms that they still very much think that they are in charge and can "punish" their adult son for failing to comply with their latest demand.

I have a knot in my stomach just remembering how this felt.

I can tell you one thing. It will only get worse....especially if you have children.

I don't mean to accuse you of anything - it's more that I was wondering if there had been a previous issue, or if you had lots of bad blood between you etc. If my parents suggested coming I would just call them and say I'm so sorry we've had x, y and z happen and please can we postpone, they'd say of course no problem and on we'd go. Your in-laws' responses to your request seem bizarre and extreme - people just don't talk like that. So if they did say that and there is no big backstory, I would say they are cruel and manipulative, and for you to stand firm.

I don’t think the unfortunate timings of their visits is coincidental. They sound narcissistic and a narcissist lives to cause problems for others and kick you when you’re down.

The only thing they have over your DH is money and if he’s prepared to forego that then he’s free. NC would be better for his wellbeing.

"People just don't talk like that."

Narcissistic parents do talk like that. Abusive and controlling parents do talk like that. It's the only way that they talk. It's the only way it's ever been and every will be. It's not triggered by an event or bad blood. It's how they operate in the world. from the time their children were old enough to crawl, they endured this dynamic.

People with "normal" families can't even understand. Consider yourself lucky.

Read what I said. Her in-laws' responses sound bizarre and extreme, I would say they are cruel and manipulative, and for you to stand firm.

They won't see the parents if they are away,
The token "Sorry" was about keeping the peace, & it doesn't sound like OP's H is ready to go NC

They do sound unhinged, but once or twice a year must be hurtful for them. How far away do they live?

I had a bf many years ago, he was one of 4 brothers, the parents were just like this. All 4 of the boys were controlled & obeyed. The parents didn't like me, (although thinking about it, they didn't like any of the 4 girlfriends! ) I definitely did not fit in, & although my heart was broken when we split up, at least I never had to see his appalling bullying controlling parents again

So, are they actually coming tomorrow or not?

A lot of problems come from lack of communication. Ring them up yourself and tell them those very valid reasons for wanting a break this month. Say if they were coming up anyway to the area you would welcome them for a catch up of course but can’t facilitate them as guests at your house. Then offer more dates for next month. You don’t owe people private information but I think honesty is sometimes the best policy or people suspect they’re being quietly “cut out”. Of course you don’t have to do this, it’s up to you how you handle it. But if you’ve been honest and they still insist on coming, it will give you both a bit more clarity to know they don’t care about you and are only bothered about their wants.

I wonder if they are doing this deliberately in order to give them a reason to berate you. If this is the second time they have leapt on you when they know it's inconvenient, they know you will be put out and they know you will try and deter them, that smacks of carefully-curated nastiness in order to "justify" their abusive messages.

Honestly, I would give serious consideration to cutting them off completely, or at least keeping them at even more distance. I know that's not easy. But they are only going to get worse, sadly, especially if they become infirm in older age and require you to take on a "carer" role. I am not wealthy, and likely never will be - but even in this situation I would not want any money from their wills - the true price is too high. But I can understand why your DH is reluctant to do this.

Have a look at the MN 'Stately Homes' thread, if you haven't already found it. Latest one here - MARCH 2026 - Well we took you to Stately Homes | Mumsnet - it's name comes from an OP whose parents justified their abuse by saying her childhood wasn't bad because they took her out to National Trust places. It's an absolute bastion of kindness, support, wisdom and advice. You and your DH might also like to check out this website - Out of the FOG - Index - helpful resources for people enmeshed in relationships with difficult people through FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt).

I'm really sorry about your cat, your DH's redundancy and the horrible assault you suffered. Life won't always be this sh~t - it will get better.

You are completely justified on telling them to back off. Drop the rope you are holding onto with them at the other end of it, because I can almost guarantee they will drag you down. You don't have to let them. You can free yourself.

Very best wishes to you. x

‘Stop being childish and controlling. We are not able to receive visitors at the moment and we are finding your threats quite aggressive. Please do not come, it is not good for us and we cannot host you right now.’ They sound un hinged

We had a similar relationship with my mil unfortunately. Husband saw her as little as possible, was guilted into doing things he didn't want to do by her constantly, was also put down by her regularly and told he wasn't good enough. If we ever pushed back or tried to find a compromise she'd throw her toys out of the pram and pile on the guilt. It also caused a lot of tension between husband and I as we'd argue and moan for days before and after the visits. After having a child we finally put our foot down and refused to give into her unreasonable demands, she went in a huff after something really quite minor and we've barely seen her since. Life is far easier now.

I would stand your ground and see what they do, if they want to be childish that's their problem. You won't feel guilty if you haven't done anything wrong. Pretty sure my MIL is waiting for us to apologise and fix things even though she stopped talking to us, she'll be waiting a very long time for that, if she had apologised we'd have just moved on, it's her immature attitude that has dragged this out.

It will be kicked out of will probably

Firstly OP I’m so sorry you’ve had a crap time of it lately, I hope you are ok.

I agree with the message further up that goes back in a firm but fair manner asking them to respect your time etc. I hope it goes ok. Please keep us posted as assume they are potentially arriving today x

But do your parents only get to see you once or twice a year nixon? Do you ring and chat to your parents quite frequently, and if your parents live a long way away do you ever go to visit them instead, hopefully not including that in the once or twice a year that they are allowed to see you? In fact, the OP says that her DH's parents coming to see them is often a last minute thing, and having seen all of the OP's replys so far, I imagine that they don't give much notice for their visits because in the past when they have done so, it has given the OP the chance to think up why they can't come on that occassion, after them having already started to look forward to seeing their son - yes, I deliberately left out looking forward to seeing their DiL, because it must be hard to look forward to seeing someone who obviously hates and resents you.

I wonder if the OP and her husband ever invite them to stay, as from the OP's later posts I don't think that they do. I think that if the OP and her DH don't want to make the journey all the way to his parents, then they - the OP and her DH - should be inviting them to stay, at the very least, every 4 months. It is not as if they even have to make a bed, and bedroom available to them, as they apparently sleep in their motor home. As for the MiL calling her son lazy - which they were silly to do, but I think that emotions were probably running very high at that point, I wonder if it was in response to having been turned down for a visit to the OP's home, and in reply to the OP, and their son, refusing to drive to see them, probably citing it as being too far? I can imagine that in that sort of phone call, the MiL or the FiL might have accused their son of being too lazy to make the journey.

I really hope that my post here doesn't sound as if I am having a 'pot' at you nixon, as I am most certainly not! In fact it was your previous post to the OP, and her response to you, that made me realise just how much I would love to hear the in-Laws reply to the OP's damning character assassination of her in-Laws. I now think that in all probability, it is much more likely that the OP is the one who has been causing the most mental abuse in that relationship. Which still doesn't excuse the in-Laws awful texts, but it might go somewhere to explaining them? Figuratively speaking, I am expecting a lot of red arrows for my change of heart!