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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell in-laws to do one?

458 replies

FriendlyMedusa · 08/05/2026 06:01

Okay obviously I won't phrase it like that, but DH and I are thinking about sending a message to his family's WhatsApp chat asking them to back off for a bit.

In the last month DH has been made redundant, our beloved cat had to be put to sleep, and I had my fingers broken in a random attack by a stranger. We're both a mess and the last thing we want is to host his parents. They do know about all of these things happening.

Last week they (MIL and FIL) texted that they "must" visit for 3 days in May. We said May is really busy and we're too stressed, how about June? - No reply.
Today they sent a text saying they ARE coming round for 3 days... From tomorrow! They live at the opposite end of the country, FTR, and we do not see them often. DH reiterates that we don't want to and are busy. Cue barrage of guilt-tripping, insulting texts from them:

"You seem to lead very chaotic lives but that is no excuse to not spend time with us."
"You have really upset [MIL]. This is not acceptable. "
"You will not be welcome at our home again until you apologise to [MIL]."
"We are still driving up tomorrow. If you will not at least meet us for a couple of hours, there will be consequences."

Whew. I don't want to reward this behaviour (it happens every few months) but I'm tempted to just for an easier life. Help?

OP posts:
nixon1976 · 08/05/2026 16:01

PlayingDevilsAdvocateisinteresting · 08/05/2026 15:57

But do your parents only get to see you once or twice a year nixon? Do you ring and chat to your parents quite frequently, and if your parents live a long way away do you ever go to visit them instead, hopefully not including that in the once or twice a year that they are allowed to see you? In fact, the OP says that her DH's parents coming to see them is often a last minute thing, and having seen all of the OP's replys so far, I imagine that they don't give much notice for their visits because in the past when they have done so, it has given the OP the chance to think up why they can't come on that occassion, after them having already started to look forward to seeing their son - yes, I deliberately left out looking forward to seeing their DiL, because it must be hard to look forward to seeing someone who obviously hates and resents you.

I wonder if the OP and her husband ever invite them to stay, as from the OP's later posts I don't think that they do. I think that if the OP and her DH don't want to make the journey all the way to his parents, then they - the OP and her DH - should be inviting them to stay, at the very least, every 4 months. It is not as if they even have to make a bed, and bedroom available to them, as they apparently sleep in their motor home. As for the MiL calling her son lazy - which they were silly to do, but I think that emotions were probably running very high at that point, I wonder if it was in response to having been turned down for a visit to the OP's home, and in reply to the OP, and their son, refusing to drive to see them, probably citing it as being too far? I can imagine that in that sort of phone call, the MiL or the FiL might have accused their son of being too lazy to make the journey.

I really hope that my post here doesn't sound as if I am having a 'pot' at you nixon, as I am most certainly not! In fact it was your previous post to the OP, and her response to you, that made me realise just how much I would love to hear the in-Laws reply to the OP's damning character assassination of her in-Laws. I now think that in all probability, it is much more likely that the OP is the one who has been causing the most mental abuse in that relationship. Which still doesn't excuse the in-Laws awful texts, but it might go somewhere to explaining them? Figuratively speaking, I am expecting a lot of red arrows for my change of heart!

Show quote history

I think this is what I meant. If there is a fractious relationship between them, a history of the OP ignoring the in-laws or vice versa, then those texts (rightly or wrongly) haven't come out of the blue. If it's a generally positive relationship with both sides making equal effort and equal compromises, then their responses are bizarre, extreme and downright abusive. We would need to know the nature of the relationship in order to offer a helpful response, I think

SatsumaDog · 08/05/2026 16:02

With those responses I wouldn’t be speaking to them again, never mind hosting them for 3 days!

godmum56 · 08/05/2026 16:03

FriendlyMedusa · 08/05/2026 14:43

I'm not sure what you mean by more to it. I'm sure they do feel a bit ignored. We used to try harder but it's down to 1-2 visits a year.

We last saw them several months ago when they declared with <48 hours' notice that they were coming to visit when they knew full well we were packing up to move house in 4 days. It became the same guilt-trip spiral of "MIL is devastated", "You are terrible people" etc.
In the end we gave in because the stress of fielding them was so exhausting. But it was a stony visit and I regret that we bowed to them.

Show quote history

then don't do it again!!

godmum56 · 08/05/2026 16:04

nixon1976 · 08/05/2026 16:01

I think this is what I meant. If there is a fractious relationship between them, a history of the OP ignoring the in-laws or vice versa, then those texts (rightly or wrongly) haven't come out of the blue. If it's a generally positive relationship with both sides making equal effort and equal compromises, then their responses are bizarre, extreme and downright abusive. We would need to know the nature of the relationship in order to offer a helpful response, I think

Show quote history

we have already been told that this happens every few months and that they denigrate and are rude about their son while they are there which he struggles to cope with and which affects his mental health

nixon1976 · 08/05/2026 16:08

godmum56 · 08/05/2026 16:04

we have already been told that this happens every few months and that they denigrate and are rude about their son while they are there which he struggles to cope with and which affects his mental health

Show quote history

Apologies, I didn't pick that up strongly enough. Then I would support OP and her husband in finding any way possible to stand up to them, refuse to have them in their house, and only see them on her terms

labamba007 · 08/05/2026 16:10

Are the consequences that they stop talking to you? If so, great!

JohnTheRevelator · 08/05/2026 16:10

There will be consequences?! What a way to talk.

MyDandyUmberDuck · 08/05/2026 16:11

Sounds a nightmare. Have you responded with another firm but polite message? Any update?

Strangerthanfictions · 08/05/2026 16:14

FriendlyMedusa · 08/05/2026 06:01

Okay obviously I won't phrase it like that, but DH and I are thinking about sending a message to his family's WhatsApp chat asking them to back off for a bit.

In the last month DH has been made redundant, our beloved cat had to be put to sleep, and I had my fingers broken in a random attack by a stranger. We're both a mess and the last thing we want is to host his parents. They do know about all of these things happening.

Last week they (MIL and FIL) texted that they "must" visit for 3 days in May. We said May is really busy and we're too stressed, how about June? - No reply.
Today they sent a text saying they ARE coming round for 3 days... From tomorrow! They live at the opposite end of the country, FTR, and we do not see them often. DH reiterates that we don't want to and are busy. Cue barrage of guilt-tripping, insulting texts from them:

"You seem to lead very chaotic lives but that is no excuse to not spend time with us."
"You have really upset [MIL]. This is not acceptable. "
"You will not be welcome at our home again until you apologise to [MIL]."
"We are still driving up tomorrow. If you will not at least meet us for a couple of hours, there will be consequences."

Whew. I don't want to reward this behaviour (it happens every few months) but I'm tempted to just for an easier life. Help?

If the consequences are that they stop talking to you this is a win win tbf

neveraskingtime · 08/05/2026 16:16

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 08/05/2026 06:06

I wouldn't even answer the door

What are the consequences?

Consequences made me laugh so much. Do you depend on them finanically in any way?

godmum56 · 08/05/2026 16:20

neveraskingtime · 08/05/2026 16:16

Consequences made me laugh so much. Do you depend on them finanically in any way?

Show quote history

again we have been told that they do not and never have

FreyaW · 08/05/2026 16:21

Crikey...totally out of order. Tell them straight.
"We asked you to postpone until June, you didn't respond.
We've made it clear, that it's not a good time . We are not available to host or meet you, especially now you're behaving so totally unreasonable. Stop being asshats"

FreyaW · 08/05/2026 16:24

FriendlyMedusa · 08/05/2026 06:01

Okay obviously I won't phrase it like that, but DH and I are thinking about sending a message to his family's WhatsApp chat asking them to back off for a bit.

In the last month DH has been made redundant, our beloved cat had to be put to sleep, and I had my fingers broken in a random attack by a stranger. We're both a mess and the last thing we want is to host his parents. They do know about all of these things happening.

Last week they (MIL and FIL) texted that they "must" visit for 3 days in May. We said May is really busy and we're too stressed, how about June? - No reply.
Today they sent a text saying they ARE coming round for 3 days... From tomorrow! They live at the opposite end of the country, FTR, and we do not see them often. DH reiterates that we don't want to and are busy. Cue barrage of guilt-tripping, insulting texts from them:

"You seem to lead very chaotic lives but that is no excuse to not spend time with us."
"You have really upset [MIL]. This is not acceptable. "
"You will not be welcome at our home again until you apologise to [MIL]."
"We are still driving up tomorrow. If you will not at least meet us for a couple of hours, there will be consequences."

Whew. I don't want to reward this behaviour (it happens every few months) but I'm tempted to just for an easier life. Help?

There will be consequences...
Hmm...are your in laws Ronnie Pickering & wife per chance? 🤔

TheNoisyGreyLion · 08/05/2026 16:30

People like this baffle me. Are they expecting their visit to be a pleasant experience for everyone, knowing that you would be hosting them when you’ve made it clear that now is not a good time and that they've basically threatened to cut him out the will? Sounds like a bizarre box ticking exercise on their part.

Papster · 08/05/2026 16:37

Texts are not a great way to communicate.
I’d ring them and say what you’ve posted re job, fingers and attack.
Say you re both feeling really down and just want some time to yourselves to reassess, grieve and recover from trauma and sorry you don’t want them sitting there offering helpful advice.
June is 3 weeks away and you’d much rather have a stress free time together then than a tense time that no one will enjoy.

Original poster
FriendlyMedusa · 08/05/2026 16:41

PlayingDevilsAdvocateisinteresting · 08/05/2026 15:57

But do your parents only get to see you once or twice a year nixon? Do you ring and chat to your parents quite frequently, and if your parents live a long way away do you ever go to visit them instead, hopefully not including that in the once or twice a year that they are allowed to see you? In fact, the OP says that her DH's parents coming to see them is often a last minute thing, and having seen all of the OP's replys so far, I imagine that they don't give much notice for their visits because in the past when they have done so, it has given the OP the chance to think up why they can't come on that occassion, after them having already started to look forward to seeing their son - yes, I deliberately left out looking forward to seeing their DiL, because it must be hard to look forward to seeing someone who obviously hates and resents you.

I wonder if the OP and her husband ever invite them to stay, as from the OP's later posts I don't think that they do. I think that if the OP and her DH don't want to make the journey all the way to his parents, then they - the OP and her DH - should be inviting them to stay, at the very least, every 4 months. It is not as if they even have to make a bed, and bedroom available to them, as they apparently sleep in their motor home. As for the MiL calling her son lazy - which they were silly to do, but I think that emotions were probably running very high at that point, I wonder if it was in response to having been turned down for a visit to the OP's home, and in reply to the OP, and their son, refusing to drive to see them, probably citing it as being too far? I can imagine that in that sort of phone call, the MiL or the FiL might have accused their son of being too lazy to make the journey.

I really hope that my post here doesn't sound as if I am having a 'pot' at you nixon, as I am most certainly not! In fact it was your previous post to the OP, and her response to you, that made me realise just how much I would love to hear the in-Laws reply to the OP's damning character assassination of her in-Laws. I now think that in all probability, it is much more likely that the OP is the one who has been causing the most mental abuse in that relationship. Which still doesn't excuse the in-Laws awful texts, but it might go somewhere to explaining them? Figuratively speaking, I am expecting a lot of red arrows for my change of heart!

Show quote history

You're just writing fanfiction about your own biases, to be honest.

Mental abuse, hating them and so on??I've never said a bad word to them and try my best to be polite, sometimes to the detriment of DH because I don't want to offend or have drama. I'm the one gently reminding DH that if he does want to see them it's been a few months and we should make an effort. I've had (fair) criticism for that in this thread.

FWIW they call DH lazy every time they speak to him on the phone and in person, nothing to do with me.

OP posts:
Nogimachi · 08/05/2026 16:41

They sound completely unreasonable.
I would have DH send a text saying “We’d absolutely love to see you, but right now is not a good time for us to host guests, due to Friendlymedusa’s hand injury and other reasons already explained. We’d be very happy to see you in June when things are a bit calmer.”

and leave it at that. Or agree to see them for a couple of hours but not to stay.

Poppyfie1ds · 08/05/2026 16:48

You know you have to put your foot down here. You are grown ups, act like it. Tell them you don’t give shite about their consequences and threats and that you never want to hear from them ever again. They are a hinderance to having a good life so why continue to even reply to their messages?

TheHillIsMine · 08/05/2026 16:49

Parents have responsibilities not rights. Children have no obligation to parents other than treat them as they've earned.

Send the polite message. See what happens. But don't give into them if they choose to turn up.

I've had awful letters from my mother and haven't given in once and never will. Different scenario as I've never lived with her since I was a toddler and haven't seen her for decades but she could write and say she's dying and I would still ignore.

Your husband needs therapy and support.

SecretSquid · 08/05/2026 16:50

FriendlyMedusa · 08/05/2026 16:41

You're just writing fanfiction about your own biases, to be honest.

Mental abuse, hating them and so on??I've never said a bad word to them and try my best to be polite, sometimes to the detriment of DH because I don't want to offend or have drama. I'm the one gently reminding DH that if he does want to see them it's been a few months and we should make an effort. I've had (fair) criticism for that in this thread.

FWIW they call DH lazy every time they speak to him on the phone and in person, nothing to do with me.

Show quote history

Glad you saw straight through that pile of steaming horsemuck OP.
Talk about reaching...

WallaceinAnderland · 08/05/2026 16:53

FriendlyMedusa · 08/05/2026 16:41

You're just writing fanfiction about your own biases, to be honest.

Mental abuse, hating them and so on??I've never said a bad word to them and try my best to be polite, sometimes to the detriment of DH because I don't want to offend or have drama. I'm the one gently reminding DH that if he does want to see them it's been a few months and we should make an effort. I've had (fair) criticism for that in this thread.

FWIW they call DH lazy every time they speak to him on the phone and in person, nothing to do with me.

Show quote history

Are they coming tomorrow or not OP?

Original poster
FriendlyMedusa · 08/05/2026 16:54

WallaceinAnderland · 08/05/2026 15:40

So, are they actually coming tomorrow or not?

They haven't actually knocked on our door but have sent a text saying they're parked up somewhere nearby. 😳

OP posts:
OneNaiceSnail · 08/05/2026 16:56

Oh god. Are you going to answer the door?

TheHillIsMine · 08/05/2026 17:02

Why are you embarrassed about the text?

just ignore or this will carry on.

DameM · 08/05/2026 17:03

If he's avoidant has he form for messing them about, hence they've taken the bull by the horns and announced their trip?

Tbh a broken finger, pet death and job issues all sound like normal day to day challenges so as long as they're staying in their camper just go out and leave them to your dh.

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