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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell in-laws to do one?

458 replies

FriendlyMedusa · 08/05/2026 06:01

Okay obviously I won't phrase it like that, but DH and I are thinking about sending a message to his family's WhatsApp chat asking them to back off for a bit.

In the last month DH has been made redundant, our beloved cat had to be put to sleep, and I had my fingers broken in a random attack by a stranger. We're both a mess and the last thing we want is to host his parents. They do know about all of these things happening.

Last week they (MIL and FIL) texted that they "must" visit for 3 days in May. We said May is really busy and we're too stressed, how about June? - No reply.
Today they sent a text saying they ARE coming round for 3 days... From tomorrow! They live at the opposite end of the country, FTR, and we do not see them often. DH reiterates that we don't want to and are busy. Cue barrage of guilt-tripping, insulting texts from them:

"You seem to lead very chaotic lives but that is no excuse to not spend time with us."
"You have really upset [MIL]. This is not acceptable. "
"You will not be welcome at our home again until you apologise to [MIL]."
"We are still driving up tomorrow. If you will not at least meet us for a couple of hours, there will be consequences."

Whew. I don't want to reward this behaviour (it happens every few months) but I'm tempted to just for an easier life. Help?

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 10/05/2026 14:53

Well done, glad to hear you both stood firm.

Purplewarrior · 10/05/2026 14:57

I am so glad they didn’t actually turn up at your door. So sorry you are dealing with this crap.

Monty36 · 10/05/2026 15:22

Have not read the thread but whatever the complaint against the in laws nobody should consider telling them to ‘do one’.

plodding6 · 10/05/2026 15:35

HarshbutTrue2 · 10/05/2026 13:54

Good Grief. My thread has been deleted. I just want to repeat that I wish that my father in law was still alive so that I could tell him how much I appreciate him.
I really don't fit with all the hate on mumsnet.
Apologies for coming from a nice family who all get along

Your post (not thread) was deleted because you were very insulting. Congratulations on having a nice family, that is quite obviously the clear difference here. Astounding that you can’t quite understand that.

curtaintwitcher78 · 10/05/2026 15:37

Firstly, I'm so sorry about your cat. I know first hand what an awful time this is, and not everybody understands the profound grief of the loss of a family pet.
I'm sorry for all the shit you're both going though, and that on top of that you've two abusive pricks hassling you.
I'm glad they didn't come to the house, but even the messages must have upsetting and unnerving. I hope they leave you both alone for a while, but who knows that they have up their sleeves. At least they'll be miles away by now.
I wish you both some peace and space.

thepariscrimefiles · 10/05/2026 15:44

HarshbutTrue2 · 10/05/2026 13:54

Good Grief. My thread has been deleted. I just want to repeat that I wish that my father in law was still alive so that I could tell him how much I appreciate him.
I really don't fit with all the hate on mumsnet.
Apologies for coming from a nice family who all get along

Your post must have been deleted because you broke Mumsnet posting guidelines. Normally a post is deleted because it was either a personal attack, aggressive and unhelpful or was hate speech. So you actually probably do fit in with all the so-called hate on Mumsnet.

You may have a nice family who all get along, but you obviously have no empathy and you are unable to put yourself in someone else's shoes.

godmum56 · 10/05/2026 15:50

FriendlyMedusa · 10/05/2026 14:40

Updating since several people have asked for it:

  1. They have not surfaced in person. I believe they were parked up somewhere nearby for 2 days, but they didn't say where.
  2. The last message we have from them (last night) just says "We'll be driving home at noon tomorrow. Over to you." So hopefully they have gone by now as it's half 2 here.
  3. A few people have criticised that we're messaging rather than calling - This is intentional. They are actually worse on the phone, so DH decided not to do phonecalls as he wants written reminders of how they talk to him rather than relying on memory that could get mixed up or change wording to be better/worse and so on. They'll often say horrible things face to face or on the phone that they totally deny later. Or say horrible things in a nice tone, that DH only processes he's upset about 24 hours later. Without the benefit of time to think about his replies, he's liable to say yes to whatever they ask and agree with their criticisms of him because he's been conditioned to deference for so long.

DH is too wound up to risk reengaging them right now, so is going to message in a few days when he's more calm. He hasn't replied to their repeated messages since reiterating our "no" at the start of all this.

I also just want to say thank you for all of the help and discussion on this thread. It's helped me process it. DH has now read it too and taken some pointers for how he interacts with them going forward, which he will be doing on a very low-contact level.

my congratualtions to you both for standing firm. Hopefully this will be a turning point for you.

Prawnalicious · 10/05/2026 15:59

Monty36 · 10/05/2026 15:22

Have not read the thread but whatever the complaint against the in laws nobody should consider telling them to ‘do one’.

I think in this case they could probably do at least two.

MegaMewtwo · 10/05/2026 16:13

Monty36 · 10/05/2026 15:22

Have not read the thread but whatever the complaint against the in laws nobody should consider telling them to ‘do one’.

You only needed to read the first 8 words of the entire thread to know you didn't need to worry about that.

Why on Earth you thought it was worth your time to, instead, type out and post a completely irrelevant contribution to a situation you don't want to know about, I can't work out.

MrsJeanLuc · 10/05/2026 16:59

Monty36 · 10/05/2026 15:22

Have not read the thread but whatever the complaint against the in laws nobody should consider telling them to ‘do one’.

Well you should at least read the op's posts before commenting. If you go to any of the op's posts (blue) and click on see all in the bottom right corner you can see all the op's posts without having to read the entire thread.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 10/05/2026 17:11

Monty36 · 10/05/2026 15:22

Have not read the thread but whatever the complaint against the in laws nobody should consider telling them to ‘do one’.

Wow. Perhaps read the thread before commenting something nasty and unhelpful

Monty36 · 10/05/2026 17:45

MrsJeanLuc · 10/05/2026 16:59

Well you should at least read the op's posts before commenting. If you go to any of the op's posts (blue) and click on see all in the bottom right corner you can see all the op's posts without having to read the entire thread.

Show quote history

Thankyou for not being rude ! And you are quite right. I should have read …
Apologies to the OP.

djwholesome · 10/05/2026 18:05

You are not being unreasonable at all.The things they have said are preposterous! But I am curious about why they are so very sensitive about being rejected by you. Is there history of your DH being unavailable or inattentive? I suspect they want to descend on you precisely because they think you are in a state and are incompetent to manage your lives. Trying to be kind.... My parents are a bit similar. It is awful. Hard to leave childhood patterns behind when parents continue to want to dominate and belittle while be present and involved. You sound loving and supportive to your DH - that is what matters most. But these people are not going to leave his life in a hurry, despite the threats. You will have to live with whatever fall out there is. Small steady gains at establishing boundaries may be more successful in the long run.

Bluedenimdoglover · 10/05/2026 18:24

A lot of these replies are very polarising and really reinforce the views of the people who make similar replies. 17 pages of polarising arguments so far. His long will this continue before the poster realises that she's just going to do what she's done?

darksideofthetoon · 10/05/2026 18:54

If this is all as stated then tell them (politely) to F right off. Accepting their behaviour will only result in increasing demands and threats.

ForeverTheOptomist · 10/05/2026 19:01

Monty36 · 10/05/2026 15:22

Have not read the thread but whatever the complaint against the in laws nobody should consider telling them to ‘do one’.

What on earth do you think gives you any authority here? You are responding to something that you know very very little about. It seems that you can't bothered to read the OPs posts.

Please give OPs respect here here on MN. It you wish to post your decisions and judgements, please ensure that they are informed.

Hmm1234 · 10/05/2026 20:32

FriendlyMedusa · 08/05/2026 06:01

Okay obviously I won't phrase it like that, but DH and I are thinking about sending a message to his family's WhatsApp chat asking them to back off for a bit.

In the last month DH has been made redundant, our beloved cat had to be put to sleep, and I had my fingers broken in a random attack by a stranger. We're both a mess and the last thing we want is to host his parents. They do know about all of these things happening.

Last week they (MIL and FIL) texted that they "must" visit for 3 days in May. We said May is really busy and we're too stressed, how about June? - No reply.
Today they sent a text saying they ARE coming round for 3 days... From tomorrow! They live at the opposite end of the country, FTR, and we do not see them often. DH reiterates that we don't want to and are busy. Cue barrage of guilt-tripping, insulting texts from them:

"You seem to lead very chaotic lives but that is no excuse to not spend time with us."
"You have really upset [MIL]. This is not acceptable. "
"You will not be welcome at our home again until you apologise to [MIL]."
"We are still driving up tomorrow. If you will not at least meet us for a couple of hours, there will be consequences."

Whew. I don't want to reward this behaviour (it happens every few months) but I'm tempted to just for an easier life. Help?

I think they’re coming over to check on you with all the chaos that’s been happening. Old folk have a strange way of showing they care sometimes

godmum56 · 10/05/2026 20:36

Hmm1234 · 10/05/2026 20:32

I think they’re coming over to check on you with all the chaos that’s been happening. Old folk have a strange way of showing they care sometimes

Show quote history

have you actually read the full thread?

Eightfor15 · 10/05/2026 20:39

Hmm1234 · 10/05/2026 20:32

I think they’re coming over to check on you with all the chaos that’s been happening. Old folk have a strange way of showing they care sometimes

Show quote history

I assume from this post that you're very old yourself, because anyone who has read OPs posts would find your comment very strange indeed.

GabriellaFaith · 10/05/2026 23:49

It happens every few months because it works. Change that now. I speak from experience.

raisinglittlepeople12 · 11/05/2026 00:10

They’re unkind to your DH (to the point he’s sad after they visit), they do not respect your time or wishes, and they lack empathy entirely. Your poor husband. I’d absolutely be telling him it’s ok for us to be no contact with them or really limit visits to what he can manage. On this occasion, he does need to either book a hotel for you both to stay elsewhere for the week they’re in town (so they get the message) and block them, or send a very clear message that they are not welcome to invite themselves when they want, and they need to respect your time and feelings.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 11/05/2026 01:06

FriendlyMedusa · 10/05/2026 14:40

Updating since several people have asked for it:

  1. They have not surfaced in person. I believe they were parked up somewhere nearby for 2 days, but they didn't say where.
  2. The last message we have from them (last night) just says "We'll be driving home at noon tomorrow. Over to you." So hopefully they have gone by now as it's half 2 here.
  3. A few people have criticised that we're messaging rather than calling - This is intentional. They are actually worse on the phone, so DH decided not to do phonecalls as he wants written reminders of how they talk to him rather than relying on memory that could get mixed up or change wording to be better/worse and so on. They'll often say horrible things face to face or on the phone that they totally deny later. Or say horrible things in a nice tone, that DH only processes he's upset about 24 hours later. Without the benefit of time to think about his replies, he's liable to say yes to whatever they ask and agree with their criticisms of him because he's been conditioned to deference for so long.

DH is too wound up to risk reengaging them right now, so is going to message in a few days when he's more calm. He hasn't replied to their repeated messages since reiterating our "no" at the start of all this.

I also just want to say thank you for all of the help and discussion on this thread. It's helped me process it. DH has now read it too and taken some pointers for how he interacts with them going forward, which he will be doing on a very low-contact level.

This is too much drama and is insultingly ridiculous, your DH needs to take a stand not this lukewarm hiding yet not wanting to stand up to them or cut them off but also not willing to see them or deal with them.

I would be so frustrated if I was in your shoes because this must be stressful for your relationship and cause friction. Looks like there's a lot of trauma from his parents affecting him and I would encourage him to get therapy to work through the trauma and help break the chains they have over him so he can find and use his voice and set firm boundaries.

They sound like bat shit crazy people, they really stayed nearby for 2 days while sending messages and waiting???

Whiteheadhouse · 11/05/2026 09:11

They sound awful. Time to leave all interactions going forward to your husband. Do not involve yourself.

godmum56 · 11/05/2026 09:52

AgnesMcDoo · 09/05/2026 16:36

Stop texting each other and pick up the phone and talk to each other like actual humans.

No wonder misunderstandings are happening if you all communicate by WhatsApp. 😳

have you seen the text of the texts? "There will be consequences" I don't see much room for misunderstanding there.

godmum56 · 11/05/2026 09:52

Eightfor15 · 10/05/2026 20:39

I assume from this post that you're very old yourself, because anyone who has read OPs posts would find your comment very strange indeed.

Show quote history

can we please lay off the ageism here?