Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell in-laws to do one?

458 replies

FriendlyMedusa · 08/05/2026 06:01

Okay obviously I won't phrase it like that, but DH and I are thinking about sending a message to his family's WhatsApp chat asking them to back off for a bit.

In the last month DH has been made redundant, our beloved cat had to be put to sleep, and I had my fingers broken in a random attack by a stranger. We're both a mess and the last thing we want is to host his parents. They do know about all of these things happening.

Last week they (MIL and FIL) texted that they "must" visit for 3 days in May. We said May is really busy and we're too stressed, how about June? - No reply.
Today they sent a text saying they ARE coming round for 3 days... From tomorrow! They live at the opposite end of the country, FTR, and we do not see them often. DH reiterates that we don't want to and are busy. Cue barrage of guilt-tripping, insulting texts from them:

"You seem to lead very chaotic lives but that is no excuse to not spend time with us."
"You have really upset [MIL]. This is not acceptable. "
"You will not be welcome at our home again until you apologise to [MIL]."
"We are still driving up tomorrow. If you will not at least meet us for a couple of hours, there will be consequences."

Whew. I don't want to reward this behaviour (it happens every few months) but I'm tempted to just for an easier life. Help?

OP posts:
Dragracer · 08/05/2026 06:40

Fuck that. "We told you we weren't available and offered alternative dates, there's really nothing we can do. Hope you enjoy your trip."

Presumably there's other people to see near you as why would they come just for a few hours. What's the weather like this weekend,can you go for a day out somewhere, is your accessible from the front, you can just make an effort to have a nice time where you're not able to answer the door . Rather than hiding behind the curtains. Which will just stress you out

Dragracer · 08/05/2026 06:41

FriendlyMedusa · 08/05/2026 06:38

DH is furious and wants to just avoid and blank so he doesn't have to say something unkind. He has low self-esteem and always feels worse after we've seen them unfortunately.

They wouldn't technically be staying with us but in a mini-camper outside... It's more or less staying with us in terms of inconvenience.

Show quote history

Your camper or theirs?

Flamingojune · 08/05/2026 06:43

For the sake of longer relations i'd see them

XfitWOD · 08/05/2026 06:45

Flamingojune · 08/05/2026 06:43

For the sake of longer relations i'd see them

Well for the sake of longer relations and your sanity I would not see them!

MyDeftDuck · 08/05/2026 06:45

Go out for the day and be sure to lock all doors and windows securely…….you told them you were very busy and it’s their fault if they choose to make a wasted journey.

Original poster
FriendlyMedusa · 08/05/2026 06:46

Noras · 08/05/2026 06:38

Are they worried about your situation and in a misguided way wish to visit to discuss eg your DH redundancy etc with a view to help?

We need more information as it’s hard to call without knowing about your relationship previously.

It's hard. Sometimes I think they are trying to be helpful, but DH gets a lot of very unkind and unsolicited "advice". We try to ignore most of it as it can get quite insulting. E.g. they have no problem openly calling him lazy or saying he's bad at everything. He just sits there and takes it - Which is irritating because it's me dealing with the emotional fallout when they leave.

OP posts:
WhereHasMyPlanetGone · 08/05/2026 06:48

DressDilemma · 08/05/2026 06:17

Why can’t you meet them for a couple of hours?

Maybe they’ve got other plans for that time?

ThejoyofNC · 08/05/2026 06:49

FriendlyMedusa · 08/05/2026 06:46

It's hard. Sometimes I think they are trying to be helpful, but DH gets a lot of very unkind and unsolicited "advice". We try to ignore most of it as it can get quite insulting. E.g. they have no problem openly calling him lazy or saying he's bad at everything. He just sits there and takes it - Which is irritating because it's me dealing with the emotional fallout when they leave.

Show quote history

This will continue for as long as he allows it.

JoshLymanSwagger · 08/05/2026 06:51

FriendlyMedusa · 08/05/2026 06:46

It's hard. Sometimes I think they are trying to be helpful, but DH gets a lot of very unkind and unsolicited "advice". We try to ignore most of it as it can get quite insulting. E.g. they have no problem openly calling him lazy or saying he's bad at everything. He just sits there and takes it - Which is irritating because it's me dealing with the emotional fallout when they leave.

Show quote history

Yeah. You need to keep them away from him at the mo.
Losing his job will have hit him hard - my DH was made redundant a few years back, and really struggled physically as well as mentally for a few months until he got back into work (quite a niche profession).
He knows them best.
He doesn't want to see them I suspect he thinks they'll kick him while he's down.
Is there anywhere you can go? Friends, your family, dirt cheap BnB?

Purplewarrior · 08/05/2026 06:54

Can you leave it so they can’t even park their camper van on your driveway?

Definitely go away. They sound like utter cunts.

Vivisays · 08/05/2026 06:54

I think I’d send one more message, not being in any way confrontational, but just assertive & say; we recognise you’re disappointed and upset and we’re sad )MIL) is upset, but please just try to understand that this really isn’t a good time, for all the reasons already shared. Give us a few more weeks for things to settle on our end, and then we we will be in a better position to spend quality time with you. We’d ask that you please respect this and don’t read into it more than it is. Something like this? If they ignore something as direct, clear & kind as this, then there’s probably a storm a brewing! Good luck OP.

Maybeitllneverhappen · 08/05/2026 06:57

Vivisays · 08/05/2026 06:54

I think I’d send one more message, not being in any way confrontational, but just assertive & say; we recognise you’re disappointed and upset and we’re sad )MIL) is upset, but please just try to understand that this really isn’t a good time, for all the reasons already shared. Give us a few more weeks for things to settle on our end, and then we we will be in a better position to spend quality time with you. We’d ask that you please respect this and don’t read into it more than it is. Something like this? If they ignore something as direct, clear & kind as this, then there’s probably a storm a brewing! Good luck OP.

I think this is really good, as well as reasonable. They do sound a nightmare and your reaction is normal, but I'm wondering if there is something else going on too? Could they have some bad news like illness that they need to tell you and that they're scared about so they are being more aggressive than usual? It depends a bit of they are always like this I guess.

Original poster
FriendlyMedusa · 08/05/2026 07:00

greenspaces03 · 08/05/2026 06:18

There is more to this than OP has stated though. OP if I were in your shoes I will NOT want them over right at this point. If your husband agrees. That is awesome. June would probably be better for you all. However that being said, let’s look at it from their point of view and this is why I said there is more to this. People don’t randomly act demanding unless they have a reason and that reason isn’t clear from the post. Do they really miss their son and you in their lives? They are older and maybe feel lonely and ignored? They may not be showing it in the right way but they way your feelings are valid. Theirs might be too. It took me time to realize that my in-laws were demanding simply because they missed having the family closer together and felt so left out when everyone had spuses and lives. Mine were entitled and for years showed up 10 days every month 😢😢😢. However I did push back - so I will not tell you not to push back - as I grew older I grew patient and now it warms my heart to see my husband hanging with his Mummy. I can never be his mum and now I have teenage son with love interests I get it better. All of that being said, MIL know my boundaries now and they do respect it. No more 10 days stretches. Max 5 days every 4 months 😆😆. You don’t want your partner’s support to turn to resentment later in life for pushing his parents away. Again I don’t know the back story and they could have been shitty to you both for years.

I appreciate the different perspective.

It's really hard because I absolutely see what you're saying about the longterm picture. I want us to be on good terms. I'm generally the one trying to keep things sweet while DH would rather forget they exist 75% of the time though. 25% he worries about them dying and starts doing whatever they want until it burns him out and the avoidance cycle starts up again.

OP posts:
Agapornis · 08/05/2026 07:02

Why would you have any relationship at all with them? They're horrible bullies, no wonder he has low self esteem.

Noras · 08/05/2026 07:03

FriendlyMedusa · 08/05/2026 06:46

It's hard. Sometimes I think they are trying to be helpful, but DH gets a lot of very unkind and unsolicited "advice". We try to ignore most of it as it can get quite insulting. E.g. they have no problem openly calling him lazy or saying he's bad at everything. He just sits there and takes it - Which is irritating because it's me dealing with the emotional fallout when they leave.

Show quote history

It sounds like they are really worried but also misguided.

Perhaps have an open discussion with them and explain how you feel eg we are both feeling vulnerable at present. We are worried about finances and DH is very low / feeling demoralised. Sadly when you visit this adds to the strain as DH feels judged. We need friends right now who can be supportive so if you can be that by all means visit but don’t expect entertainment.

HeyHoHenryHippy · 08/05/2026 07:05

FriendlyMedusa · 08/05/2026 06:46

It's hard. Sometimes I think they are trying to be helpful, but DH gets a lot of very unkind and unsolicited "advice". We try to ignore most of it as it can get quite insulting. E.g. they have no problem openly calling him lazy or saying he's bad at everything. He just sits there and takes it - Which is irritating because it's me dealing with the emotional fallout when they leave.

Show quote history

They sound abusive.

gannett · 08/05/2026 07:06

"You seem to lead very chaotic lives but that is no excuse to not spend time with us."
"You have really upset [MIL]. This is not acceptable. "
"You will not be welcome at our home again until you apologise to [MIL]."
"We are still driving up tomorrow. If you will not at least meet us for a couple of hours, there will be consequences."

These are outrageously rude texts. I wouldn't hesitate to cut anyone who spoke to me like that out of my life completely. Not welcome at their home again? I call that a win-win. You say you're tempted to give in for an easier life... but think about how much easier life would be if they weren't in it at all.

The problem is obviously that it's your husband's place to make any big call about going nuclear, and whether he wants to maintain the relationship at all. And it sounds like they've done (and continue to do) an absolute number on him. And it's hard for you to act unilaterally if he's not on board.

Still, giving in to their nonsense isn't an option at all. I'd strongly encourage your husband to take a step back and look at his overall relationship with his parents, and think about whether this is something that benefits him or whether he needs to stand up (or cut out) their borderline-abusive behaviour. Encourage him to read about toxic parents, encourage him into therapy.

As for the immediate issue, there isn't a chance that anyone who spoke to me like that would be setting foot in my house. I would simply not open the door. If your husband has not got to the place where he can refuse to see them, he can meet them somewhere else.

You say you're not going to tell them to do one in so many words. I would rethink that! Their behaviour more than merits it.

Agapornis · 08/05/2026 07:07

So your husband only maintains a relationship out of fear, obligation, guilt? Stop making him. He's been controlled and emotional blackmailed by his parents all his life. Stop facilitating their continued abuse. Normal people don't send messages like that.

JoshLymanSwagger · 08/05/2026 07:07

DH did your role for me at one point - trying to keep the peace, trying to keep me sane. In hindsight, I wish he'd done more to keep me grounded, but he said he didn't want to push me.

Just keep listening to him. You know him best.
Also, sorry about your DCat. We lost ours about 2months before the shit hit the fan with DH, so I know how hard it is - you start to think the whole world is against you. 💐

cotswoldsgal1234 · 08/05/2026 07:08

FriendlyMedusa · 08/05/2026 06:33

No, we've never asked for support even though they are very well-off. DH has been financially independent since 18.

One of the consequences they bring up from time to time is cutting DH out of their will. It just makes me sad that they think we care about that, or that we're going to be bought.

Show quote history

If your husband is financially independent, you don’t need those threats. Live your life without their control and make a stand. They sound dreadful.

Original poster
FriendlyMedusa · 08/05/2026 07:10

Vivisays · 08/05/2026 06:54

I think I’d send one more message, not being in any way confrontational, but just assertive & say; we recognise you’re disappointed and upset and we’re sad )MIL) is upset, but please just try to understand that this really isn’t a good time, for all the reasons already shared. Give us a few more weeks for things to settle on our end, and then we we will be in a better position to spend quality time with you. We’d ask that you please respect this and don’t read into it more than it is. Something like this? If they ignore something as direct, clear & kind as this, then there’s probably a storm a brewing! Good luck OP.

I really like this, thank you.

I'm not very optimistic that it will help, but I think it's worth trying the politely assertive way first, I just couldn't think how to do it. This is great.

OP posts:
SoScarletItWas · 08/05/2026 07:12

Vivisays · 08/05/2026 06:54

I think I’d send one more message, not being in any way confrontational, but just assertive & say; we recognise you’re disappointed and upset and we’re sad )MIL) is upset, but please just try to understand that this really isn’t a good time, for all the reasons already shared. Give us a few more weeks for things to settle on our end, and then we we will be in a better position to spend quality time with you. We’d ask that you please respect this and don’t read into it more than it is. Something like this? If they ignore something as direct, clear & kind as this, then there’s probably a storm a brewing! Good luck OP.

This is perfect.

All suggestions about going away for the weekend, being out etc are fine but (a) would add fuel to the fire as it looks like you ARE fine to do stuff just not with them and (b) he’s been made redundant, money is too tight for last minute weekends away.

I do agree with PP who said DH needs to protect himself against their judgement - now, and for the long term.

bigboykitty · 08/05/2026 07:13

I would simply say 'we won't be seeing you this weekend, or in fact any weekend unless you've been invited and it's been agreed by all of us'. No need to go out for the day or away for the weekend. They are abusive and your H will end up no contact with them eventually. They are truly hideous. Lock the door. Ignore them if they arrive. If possible, make it difficult or impossible for them to park on or near your house.

Steeleydan · 08/05/2026 07:13

FriendlyMedusa · 08/05/2026 06:33

No, we've never asked for support even though they are very well-off. DH has been financially independent since 18.

One of the consequences they bring up from time to time is cutting DH out of their will. It just makes me sad that they think we care about that, or that we're going to be bought.

Show quote history

Oh that old chestnut ...the cut u out of will thing! I'd just say do your best ,youre not holding us to ransom. They think your husband is still about 8,talking to you like that.
Go out for the day x

Purplewarrior · 08/05/2026 07:13

It seems to me they have spotted an ideal opportunity to kick DH while he is down, and they don’t want to miss it.

You need to be strong for him and say you absolutely will not be dealing with PILS going forward.

With any luck they will go NC with you and his lifelong ordeal will be over. 💐