To tell in-laws to do one?

[FriendlyMedusa]

Okay obviously I won't phrase it like that, but DH and I are thinking about sending a message to his family's WhatsApp chat asking them to back off for a bit.

In the last month DH has been made redundant, our beloved cat had to be put to sleep, and I had my fingers broken in a random attack by a stranger. We're both a mess and the last thing we want is to host his parents. They do know about all of these things happening.

Last week they (MIL and FIL) texted that they "must" visit for 3 days in May. We said May is really busy and we're too stressed, how about June? - No reply.
Today they sent a text saying they ARE coming round for 3 days... From tomorrow! They live at the opposite end of the country, FTR, and we do not see them often. DH reiterates that we don't want to and are busy. Cue barrage of guilt-tripping, insulting texts from them:

"You seem to lead very chaotic lives but that is no excuse to not spend time with us."
"You have really upset [MIL]. This is not acceptable. "
"You will not be welcome at our home again until you apologise to [MIL]."
"We are still driving up tomorrow. If you will not at least meet us for a couple of hours, there will be consequences."

Whew. I don't want to reward this behaviour (it happens every few months) but I'm tempted to just for an easier life. Help?

Please ignore all posts suggesting you compromise and see them for a few hours, or send a nice message, or book a date forJune. When you compromise with abusers, you're allowing them to abuse you. I would not be seeing them until the apologise and commit to behaving differently. Which they won't do.

You could kiss their arses until your lips were chapped and it would never guarantee anything in the Will, not that I'm suggesting this carries weight with you. People who make these threats can and will change their minds for any or no reason.

You must please yourselves.

YANBU at all, what awful messages they sent.

Your poor DH growing up with them for parents. It’s no surprise at all that he has low self-esteem, and it’s understandable that he doesn’t want much to do with them, but he is still trapped in the fear/obligation/guilt that won’t allow him to establish stronger boundaries. Would he consider getting some therapy to help him understand his relationship with his parents? There are some long running “stately homes” threads in the relationship board here that may be helpful too.

I’m so sorry for both of you having been through such a rough time lately. Look after each other 💐

Such a sad post on so many levels.

We're so primed - by instinct and by social expectation - to love and respect our parents that admitting that we dislike them, and that they are damaging to us, is very, very hard. I had this with my own father, who would swing from being coercive to charming and back again.

Before your husband can distance himself, he'll need to accept that it's okay - even beneficial - to do so.

Commenting on my own post because I don't want to sound critical of you, OP.
You are in a horrible situation and when you are in it, you need others to give you an outside perspective.

Absolutely this.

if you allow them to push past your boundaries this time then you are demonstrating that these tactics work and that their needs trump your dh’s every time. They seem to believe that the inheritance thing gives them a right to your time and attention.

People like this use emotion to manipulate so I’d respond in a calm, succinct way - “We are still unable to host for the same reasons we’ve already given. June is an option, let us know if that works for you”

They sound awful. Surely that's as good a reason as any?

”There will be consequence” will he grounded or just not allowed to watch TV?! They do know he is a grown man? Has he got any siblings? The in-laws sound unhinged, entitled and nightmares

Sorry you are going through a tough time and you don’t need to engage with them.

Not the point, but the random finger breaking sounds scary AF!

I recommend your husband reads 'Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents'. I found it really helpful. Not one to leave lying around when they visit though!

There's more to this. While their message is extremely aggravating they are obviously very hurt and feel ignored for a long time. I think id let my husband deal with this one and stay out of the way!

So DH isn’t working but doesn’t have any time to see his parents?

You broke your fingers and had your cat PTS so that means you can’t see anyone for 2 months?

They sound awful, demanding that DH sees them but you and DH’s excuses are not good.

No one should be forcing themselves upon anyone else but I do wonder if there is another side to this story.

"I'm surprised you want to spend time with people who are so chaotic that you need to threaten consequences and who upset you so much. It's best if we postpone and see you when everyone's in a better headspace."

"Yes, life feels very chaotic at the moment with everything going on. We don't have time for visitors right now and won't be able to see you."

I think you need to be away for the weekend. If you're there when they arrive, they'll grind you down until you let them in. If you end up having to let them in then try to be strong once they arrive. Don't let them be rude to either of you, don't "host" (haha sorry we're completely out of tea, things have been chaotic here!), after 15 minutes say you need to get to a hospital appointment for your hand, moan constantly about things and don't let them get a word in edgeways.

Or pretend to welcome them with open arms. You're so glad they've come! Things have been so chaotic here - it'd be amazing if you could do a food a shop for us? We've managed to make a list! Or thank goodness they came! The kids are desperate for a trip to soft play / the park / swimming and you just haven't been able to do fit in recently. Oh what a relief, the hoover's packed - could you pop to John Lewis and pick one up? I can't push it with my hand, could you just run it round upstairs? Thank you! So glad you decided to come and help us out. Keep them at it constantly for as long as you possibly can.

Oof this is really hard and cant believe they care so little about his feelings. They sound abusive and hopefully he can start distancing himself

They sound very domineering. That or very worried about you all. Or one of you.

This is absolutely outrageous behaviour from your ILs, im appalled reading this.

I feel for you. Similar situation here. That strange combination of DH partly longing for parental approval, even as an adult, while also disliking the way they behave. You’re stuck in the middle, suffering the fall out from the visits, while (if you’re like me) trying to keep some form of relationship there because you’re concerned that if all communication stops he may regret it in the future and you’ll get the fall out from that as well!
We see his parents maybe a couple of times a year, and have had a few “discussions” (arguments😄) with them over the years which has established boundaries for behaviour and a formal but tolerable relationship. My DH has come to accept that they’ll never be the parents he wishes they were, and and still hurts him sometimes, but he will call them out on things if needed and if the relationship did completely fall apart he knows he has tried from his side. Me also supporting his view point helped as they realised I wasn’t going to join in with their criticism of him.
Also he has a sibling who is the golden child, which doesn’t help the situation.
It’s not easy!

Yep, I am in agreement with an earlier poster. I would get your husband (not you) to message something like:

"Thank you so much for wanting to come, it really does mean a lot. At the moment things are a bit full‑on here, so as we have tried to explain, it’s not the right time for visitors. I hope you can understand. We’d love to see you, but June would be much better for us. Please can you stick with that timing. Let me know what dates work for you then?"

If they still insist on coming, follow up with "I understand you’d prefer sooner, but that doesn’t work for us we are not available for you this weekend. June is the earliest we can do it and give you the attention you deserve, having travelled so far. When in June would you like to come?” No emotion, no debate, no oxygen.

They don’t need to justify themselves or “make excuses” as you put it. The in-laws sound super hard work even on a good day, never mind when going through a tough phase of life

Yeah, don't be in when they arrive. Have yourselves a nice relaxing day out. Have a night or two in a hotel, if possible. And keep their camper off your drive, if it's possible to lock gates. Either ignore calls / messages or act confused ("What do you mean, you're at our place? We told you we weren't free. Got to go").

Act like you never even saw the threatening messages - just don't respond to that stuff in any way at all. Going forward, maybe leave the WhatsApp group or whatever it is and leave communicating with them to your DH. You can't make him drop the rope, but you can do it yourself and maybe one day he'll get there.

These are the types who will make demands (probably with threats) when they're older and needing care. Might as well get some practice standing up to them now.

The suggestion you responded to upthread was good. I think you're probably right that it won't work but it is worth a try. It might help if you suggest a definite date in June - they may be mollified by you making that commitment. But only if you are prepared to give that much ground to their blackmail.

Does anyone have a birthday coming up? I just wonder if they may have a fixed idea about needing to hand a present over, or inform you of some big health news or something. But it could easily be simply an exertion of control.

The "consequences" regarding the will is vile, like they are assuming you are being someone you are not, and you can't defend yourself. But how sad must their lives be if they think their own son works like that.

I suspect this is less about having the time and more about the emotional headspace they are in. You have to be feeling pretty patient and robust to deal with such hyper critical, demanding people. In any case, it’s their decision when or if they see them. They shouldn’t be threatened or pressured into it.

The way I would meet them at the door with a rolled up newspaper and whop them on their noses saying “No is a complete sentence you entitled twats!”

None of those questions justify the messages they have sent, not at all. It does not matter if they plan to stay at a hotel or with them or if they have kids.

"You will not be welcome at our home again until you apologise to [MIL]."
"We are still driving up tomorrow. If you will not at least meet us for a couple of hours, there will be consequences."

WTH???