To tell in-laws to do one?

[FriendlyMedusa]

Okay obviously I won't phrase it like that, but DH and I are thinking about sending a message to his family's WhatsApp chat asking them to back off for a bit.

In the last month DH has been made redundant, our beloved cat had to be put to sleep, and I had my fingers broken in a random attack by a stranger. We're both a mess and the last thing we want is to host his parents. They do know about all of these things happening.

Last week they (MIL and FIL) texted that they "must" visit for 3 days in May. We said May is really busy and we're too stressed, how about June? - No reply.
Today they sent a text saying they ARE coming round for 3 days... From tomorrow! They live at the opposite end of the country, FTR, and we do not see them often. DH reiterates that we don't want to and are busy. Cue barrage of guilt-tripping, insulting texts from them:

"You seem to lead very chaotic lives but that is no excuse to not spend time with us."
"You have really upset [MIL]. This is not acceptable. "
"You will not be welcome at our home again until you apologise to [MIL]."
"We are still driving up tomorrow. If you will not at least meet us for a couple of hours, there will be consequences."

Whew. I don't want to reward this behaviour (it happens every few months) but I'm tempted to just for an easier life. Help?

I’d tell them they are not welcome in your home until they respect you. Nor will you be meeting with them for any length of time given their behaviour.

And I would not plead with them to give you a few more weeks. Fuck that shit. They don't come until they've apologised. And they won't. Job done.

I also think this is ideal. Please do send something along these lines.
No one could say you're being unreasonable.

The only reason I am suggesting OP goes away is because it sounds like they have had a dreadful time of it and could do without the drama of ignoring PILS banging on the windows etc.

I am tough as old boots and could easily ignore this, but I am not convinced OP and her DH are in the right frame of mind to stand up to these abusive bastards face to face.

You're right but I don't agree that I'm making him. He constantly says low/no contact is not something he'd ever consider because it's "not the right thing to do". Then also says he never wants to see his parents and will avoid calling for months... It's a frustrating position for me to be in but I don't think it would be right to push him. I don't think he's ready yet.

This. I think "do one" is a mild response and am not sure why you want to keep things sweet if they are so abusive to your husband.

"You seem to lead very chaotic lives but that is no excuse to not spend time with us."
"You have really upset [MIL]. This is not acceptable. "
"You will not be welcome at our home again until you apologise to [MIL]."
"We are still driving up tomorrow. If you will not at least meet us for a couple of hours, there will be consequences."

The other interesting thing about these messages, beyond their rudeness, is the way they deliberately reinforce the power dynamic. I would at the very least reverse that - you and your husband are adults, you have agency and power of your own.

"These outrageous message are an excuse not to spend time with you."
"You have really upset DH and I. This is not acceptable."
"You will not be welcome at OUR home again until you apologise for these messages."
"If you drive up uninvited and attempt to force yourselves into our home, there will be consequences."

you don't have to make a firm decision, just do what he does, avoid talking to them and let it drift. when you get shit like this, say you will see them when they show better manners.

I would also remind them/spell it out that you are recovering from a very highly traumatic incident and therefore need space for a bit longer. Then then tell them you are very hurt and shocked that they are not understanding considering what happened to you.

By 'making him' I meant facilitating it by keeping things sweet and inviting them in June, when it sounds he wouldn't actually want that. You should support him in contact being on his terms. Has he considered therapy? It might help him in understanding why he feels being treated like this is the 'right thing to do' (obligation).

Do you have children that see their parents being treated like shit?

Ask them what is so urgent they need to see you now, when you have already explained your position.

What the fuck?
These messages are bananas! This is NOT normal, OP. It reads as highly controlling and abusive. Are they narcs? What was his childhood like? Has he had any counselling? Your poor husband and poor you.

Hard though it is I think boundaries are going to need to come down firmly here. If not it’s just going to carry on getting worse/escalating. They are speaking to you as though you are naughty children. In Victorian times.

Do you think your husband is aware of quite how unusual/unhinged this is, or has he become conditioned to see it as normal? It sounds as though it’s the latter because he’s already trying to put some distance in place.

You read about mad in laws on here but this one has really shocked me!

After how they’re acting and how they treat your husband I’d not want to see them again full stop. You do realise you have no obligation to them?

Perhaps I was unclear - Offering June was his idea and we said it together. I don't send anything to them without clearing it with him first.

This is your husband's situation to sort out. They are his parents. He needs to find a solution. Have your own boundaries in place - like no staying overnight, but if your husband decides they are coming then they need to stay in a hotel- your husband can meet them there for a meal or whatever.
If they do come to visit your house for a meal or tea then be out. Go shopping, visit a friend.
It isn't your job to sort out your husband's relationship with his own parents, and I would leave all communications with them to be handled by your husband.They are his parents, not yours.

Why should they have to? They’ve said no, they shouldn’t have to feel bullied into it.

stand your ground

You both need to stop dancing to their tune and take control of your own lives. You are being manipulated and controlled and worse you know it and are letting them get away with it. Short version you both need to grow a pair and say no.

To put it bluntly, stop enabling an abusive relationship.
If your DH doesn’t want a relationship with them then respect his wishes, but he needs to get his head around the fact that he can drop the rope.

My dad’s parents were horrible, selfish, spiteful people and my dad could never have done enough to get their approval even though he spent his whole life doing his best for them. It was so sad to see.

I find the ‘very chaotic lives’ text abhorrent, as if the ILs are implying that you and your DH are less-than or incompetent adults who have somehow brought your recent, chance life events upon yourselves. This is victim blaming at its finest. Do your ILs have a saviour complex, and do they often act like they have to swoop in to rescue you and show you how to adult effectively? I ask because I recognise these dynamics in my own dysfunctional family.

Just to point out, you have not upset MIL; MIL has upset herself as a direct consequence of her insensitive and bullying behaviour. Please don’t be emotionally blackmailed by her manipulations. Plus, as other posters have said, it’s possibly a win-win if you are never invited to their home again.

You don’t say if you have children so I’m assuming not; please note that their controlling behaviours will most likely ramp up if and when you do.

Also, it won’t just be a two-hour meet-up surely if they’re intending to park in a camper on your drive? Where will they toilet and shower? Are they expecting 24-hour access to your home?

I’m so sorry you’re having to contend with this extra stress on top of an incredibly difficult series of events. I hope your DH finds a new job soon and that your fingers are healing fully.

they are being unkind and unsupportive. As well as the kind message suggested above, I’d be tempted to add that you’re hurt they are adding to the stress you are enduring at the moment but you hope that when you see them in June that you can all put this behind you and accept each others needs.

I feel like I phrased this really badly so it's led to a bunch of people being confused.

I'm not going against his will at all. He does not want to cut them off. He's avoidant, yes, but when we actually talk about it no contact is NOT a choice he's ready to make. He knows that's what I want and knows I'd support him 100% if he decides to.

I imagine they wont listen to reason and come anyway. You need to work out how to deal with them when they arrive.

Last week they (MIL and FIL) texted that they "must" visit for 3 days in May. We said May is really busy and we're too stressed, how about June? - No reply.
Today they sent a text saying they ARE coming round for 3 days... From tomorrow! They live at the opposite end of the country, FTR, and we do not see them often. DH reiterates that we don't want to and are busy. Cue barrage of guilt-tripping, insulting texts from them:
"You seem to lead very chaotic lives but that is no excuse to not spend time with us."
"You have really upset [MIL]. This is not acceptable. "
"You will not be welcome at our home again until you apologise to [MIL]."
"We are still driving up tomorrow. If you will not at least meet us for a couple of hours, there will be consequences."

Random questions OP: 🤔
Is your husband an only child?
Do you guys have DC?
Are they hoping to visit grandchildren, and thus barge their way into you lives at their utmost convenience?
Or have they always been boundary busting, selfish, demanding twats? 🤔

I suspect one of them is the main ring leader (MIL) and the other is the enforcer (PIL) but I could have that wrong.
Either way, talking down to you and making demands and threats like you are both petulant children is DISGRACEFUL BEHAVIOUR at best, but effective at it's worst, as you wwill be tempted to go along with it for an easier life. 😔 😭 😫

This is a very unhealthy family dynamic!
Demanding parents with no boundaries often exhibit controlling, intrusive, and emotionally manipulative behaviors. This includes: showing up unannounced, ignoring privacy, forcing opinions on parenting or lifestyle, using guilt to manipulate decisions, and expecting 24/7 availability. 😠 😡 😤

This NEEDS TO STOP.
You cannot control their behaviour, but you certainly can control your reactions and responses! 😇

Over controlling and emotionally immature parents need to be TOLD NO.
No compromises - it's a NO
No is A FULL SENTENCE and means NO. 🖕

I had similar with my own mother and her partner. The Queen Bee was a pain in the arse and just didn't listen or respect my decision, I was the typical permissive peace-keeping daughter (who hated conflict).
i just wanted an easy life, but it somehow made THEIR lives easier, and MY life harder. 🫩

Then my husband seen this and stepped in 🙌

DH said well we don't reward bad behaviour in this house, and actions have consequences, and we will be telling them NO from now on.

We stuck to it, and when they pushed back, we enforced boundaries and limited contact. Husband would not let them over the threshold if they turned up unannounced. If they dug their heels further, then we would respond in kind and go from limited contact, to no contact.

We don't reward threats or bad behaviour like they are toddlers throwing some tantrum to get their own way. JUST FUCKING NO.
He told my mum, we are not shitty arsed little kids, we are grown adults and are parents ourselves, and we will NOT be spoken to like shit. Good day! 👋

Oh my lord, my mother was not happy. 😆
But it helped me to gain a bloody backbone, as I have him in my corner, and he would not let the guilt tripping or threats be used as a tool. Basically a FAFO 😇
He completely had my back, and my mother respected him massively for it, she even told me so years later.

Only you can decide what you will do. But this will get even worse as they get older. You and your husband need to make a conscious decision, and stick to it.
Don't do what you think will make your life easier (as it rarely does), but do what is BEST for you, however hard that may be, and both stick to it.

Best of luck @FriendlyMedusa 💐

Quickly order a skip. . Your drive will be too full for a camper van.

They sound so unhinged that I'm wondering if there's something they need to say face to face eg that one of them is ill.
If he ignores them for months on end, this would make me sad too. In their minds are they coming to see if he is OK.
That's being very understanding of them. I'd let them come and book a family counsellor session for when they're there.