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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell in-laws to do one?

458 replies

FriendlyMedusa · 08/05/2026 06:01

Okay obviously I won't phrase it like that, but DH and I are thinking about sending a message to his family's WhatsApp chat asking them to back off for a bit.

In the last month DH has been made redundant, our beloved cat had to be put to sleep, and I had my fingers broken in a random attack by a stranger. We're both a mess and the last thing we want is to host his parents. They do know about all of these things happening.

Last week they (MIL and FIL) texted that they "must" visit for 3 days in May. We said May is really busy and we're too stressed, how about June? - No reply.
Today they sent a text saying they ARE coming round for 3 days... From tomorrow! They live at the opposite end of the country, FTR, and we do not see them often. DH reiterates that we don't want to and are busy. Cue barrage of guilt-tripping, insulting texts from them:

"You seem to lead very chaotic lives but that is no excuse to not spend time with us."
"You have really upset [MIL]. This is not acceptable. "
"You will not be welcome at our home again until you apologise to [MIL]."
"We are still driving up tomorrow. If you will not at least meet us for a couple of hours, there will be consequences."

Whew. I don't want to reward this behaviour (it happens every few months) but I'm tempted to just for an easier life. Help?

OP posts:
Sharptonguedwoman · 08/05/2026 10:11

FriendlyMedusa · 08/05/2026 07:48

I feel like I phrased this really badly so it's led to a bunch of people being confused.

I'm not going against his will at all. He does not want to cut them off. He's avoidant, yes, but when we actually talk about it no contact is NOT a choice he's ready to make. He knows that's what I want and knows I'd support him 100% if he decides to.

Is there something else going on during those three days? Have they tickets for an event or similar and want a cheap campsite?

thepariscrimefiles · 08/05/2026 10:11

FriendlyMedusa · 08/05/2026 06:46

It's hard. Sometimes I think they are trying to be helpful, but DH gets a lot of very unkind and unsolicited "advice". We try to ignore most of it as it can get quite insulting. E.g. they have no problem openly calling him lazy or saying he's bad at everything. He just sits there and takes it - Which is irritating because it's me dealing with the emotional fallout when they leave.

They are either complete arseholes to say such horrible things to their own son or so terminally stupid that they think that their behaviour towards your DH will encourage you to invite them to your home. It's probably a mixture of both and I wouldn't allow either of them in my house.

Gazelda · 08/05/2026 10:18

Butterme · 08/05/2026 09:24

So DH isn’t working but doesn’t have any time to see his parents?

You broke your fingers and had your cat PTS so that means you can’t see anyone for 2 months?

They sound awful, demanding that DH sees them but you and DH’s excuses are not good.

No one should be forcing themselves upon anyone else but I do wonder if there is another side to this story.

OP didn’t break her fingers. She was attacked and they were broken by her attacker.

a beloved pet sadly died.

her DH has lost his job and the family’s financial security has been rocked.

all within a short space of time.

I think I’d be needing space and time to process that too, without the thought of rude and judgmental houseguests arriving uninvited.

PeoniesAreMyFavouriteFlowers · 08/05/2026 10:20

Butterme · 08/05/2026 09:24

So DH isn’t working but doesn’t have any time to see his parents?

You broke your fingers and had your cat PTS so that means you can’t see anyone for 2 months?

They sound awful, demanding that DH sees them but you and DH’s excuses are not good.

No one should be forcing themselves upon anyone else but I do wonder if there is another side to this story.

None if this has to have happened for the op and her dh to simply not want to see his parents.

They can actually have a preference not to, you know. It’s not against the law.

As it is, the in laws sound horrendous.

Logika · 08/05/2026 10:27

It's such a bizarre threat too isn't it? You will not be welcome in our home unless you welcome us into yours.

I think it's actually quite difficult to read that and respond "oh in that case now you are welcome". That's just not how real people work. But some parents are not very good at seeing their adult children as real people with their own lives and inner worlds rather than as limbs controlled by their parents.

PlayingDevilsAdvocateisinteresting · 08/05/2026 10:39

I am so sorry about your cat dying @FriendlyMedusa, we had to have our dear dog put to sleep over 3 years ago, and I still miss him so much. I am also very sorry to hear about your broken fingers, that must have been terrifying as well as being very painful 🥺 Have the police been able to arrest anyone yet?

My dear dad was made redundant when I was a child, it was from a very large private company that worked in the air defence and travel industry. The company was the main employer in our area, and my DDad was in a middle management position before he was made redundant. However, what made the situation so bad for my dad's mental health, was that he was the only one made redundant. It seems that for whatever reason, his face no longer fitted within the organisation. Unfortunately, it took him about 6 months to secure a similar position, which was with a similar company, in a neighbouring town. So, although it was many, many, years ago, I think that I do understand the stress your family is going through, well at least to a certain extent.

So what I am going to ask you now O.P. is just me trying to find out if there is a less 'nuclear' option for you and your husband to consider at this very vunerable time in both of your relationships with his parents. My first thought regarding your husband's parents, is that as they appeared to quickly change their tack from asking to stay with you for a few days, to requesting that you both meet them for a couple of hours, is that they have - of course, and quite rightly - discussed your DH's redundancy, and your family's awful month, between themselves, and that they had maybe come up with an idea, probably far too quickly, that they think is a brilliant solution (of which I am not going to hazard a guess) for both of you, regarding your husband's very recent redundancy. In doing so, their possible excitement about this 'solution' may have led them to feeling that they just had to share it with you as soon as possible, and that you both refusing to do so until next month, just threw them, and as I mentioned before, led them to both clumsily, and outrageously, send you that horrifying message?

Did you and your husband give your In-Laws all the same details that you gave us in your OP? If so, do you think that their over eagerness to help, might have led them to come up with 'that' potential proposition for you both - hence wanting to be able to see you both for at least a couple of hours - so that they can put their suggestion to you in a face to face 'get together'? As an in-law myself, I am scrabbling quite determinedly, to find a way for both you, and your DH's parents, to meet up in a calm, and hopefully reasonably friendly, manner! Good luck @FriendlyMedusa with however you and your husband decide to deal with this situation 🤞🙏💐

MassiveOvaryaction · 08/05/2026 10:41

Holy fuck @FriendlyMedusa, if dh wasn't an only I'd swear we have the same in-laws!! They've done almost exactly that in the past. We're nc now but it took dh a long while to get to that point. I hated the way they treated him as he's a wonderful man.

Solidarity Flowers

godmum56 · 08/05/2026 10:41

PlayingDevilsAdvocateisinteresting · 08/05/2026 10:39

I am so sorry about your cat dying @FriendlyMedusa, we had to have our dear dog put to sleep over 3 years ago, and I still miss him so much. I am also very sorry to hear about your broken fingers, that must have been terrifying as well as being very painful 🥺 Have the police been able to arrest anyone yet?

My dear dad was made redundant when I was a child, it was from a very large private company that worked in the air defence and travel industry. The company was the main employer in our area, and my DDad was in a middle management position before he was made redundant. However, what made the situation so bad for my dad's mental health, was that he was the only one made redundant. It seems that for whatever reason, his face no longer fitted within the organisation. Unfortunately, it took him about 6 months to secure a similar position, which was with a similar company, in a neighbouring town. So, although it was many, many, years ago, I think that I do understand the stress your family is going through, well at least to a certain extent.

So what I am going to ask you now O.P. is just me trying to find out if there is a less 'nuclear' option for you and your husband to consider at this very vunerable time in both of your relationships with his parents. My first thought regarding your husband's parents, is that as they appeared to quickly change their tack from asking to stay with you for a few days, to requesting that you both meet them for a couple of hours, is that they have - of course, and quite rightly - discussed your DH's redundancy, and your family's awful month, between themselves, and that they had maybe come up with an idea, probably far too quickly, that they think is a brilliant solution (of which I am not going to hazard a guess) for both of you, regarding your husband's very recent redundancy. In doing so, their possible excitement about this 'solution' may have led them to feeling that they just had to share it with you as soon as possible, and that you both refusing to do so until next month, just threw them, and as I mentioned before, led them to both clumsily, and outrageously, send you that horrifying message?

Did you and your husband give your In-Laws all the same details that you gave us in your OP? If so, do you think that their over eagerness to help, might have led them to come up with 'that' potential proposition for you both - hence wanting to be able to see you both for at least a couple of hours - so that they can put their suggestion to you in a face to face 'get together'? As an in-law myself, I am scrabbling quite determinedly, to find a way for both you, and your DH's parents, to meet up in a calm, and hopefully reasonably friendly, manner! Good luck @FriendlyMedusa with however you and your husband decide to deal with this situation 🤞🙏💐

except that according to the OP's first post, this controlling behaviour happened every few months and the visits they have been bullied into allowing haven't helped the OP's husband AT ALL.

dottiedodah · 08/05/2026 10:43

Can u meet for a couple of hours maybe ? They sound annoying and entitled but with so much happening maybe you dont need falling out with them as well.

snowmichael · 08/05/2026 10:43

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 08/05/2026 06:09

I'd be out all day.

Very unreasonable if it transpired as described.

> I'd be out all day.
... at the hospital for physio on my broken fingers

REP22 · 08/05/2026 10:44

ThejoyofNC · 08/05/2026 06:12

"I don't know who you think you are but we aren't children to be threatened with consequences. We've told you no so if you want to waste your time driving here then you do that, we won't be seeing you. In fact, you're not welcome in our home either until you can act like respectful adults."

This. Word for word.

Feelslikeaneternity · 08/05/2026 10:46

If the consequence is that they won’t come and see you again then I would consider that a positive

PunishmentSnart · 08/05/2026 10:51

Tell them they can visit on 29th Feb 2027.

SoScarletItWas · 08/05/2026 10:54

Butterme · 08/05/2026 09:24

So DH isn’t working but doesn’t have any time to see his parents?

You broke your fingers and had your cat PTS so that means you can’t see anyone for 2 months?

They sound awful, demanding that DH sees them but you and DH’s excuses are not good.

No one should be forcing themselves upon anyone else but I do wonder if there is another side to this story.

He was made redundant
OP had her fingers broken violently

You must see the difference?!

Mangelwurzelfortea · 08/05/2026 10:54

They sound appalling - threats of cutting your DH out of their will are grim. Also how can you genuinely be trying to have a relationship with your son if you're forcing it by using hideous emotional blackmail? Answer: you're not. You're just trying to control them.

Just reply saying 'I'm sorry, we really can't host you right now. June would be more suitable. I'm sorry if this upsets you but I'm afraid we'll just have to accept any 'consequences' you decide upon as a result.'

quartile · 08/05/2026 10:55

We're in years of therapy to get to understand we're not at fault for parents behaviour. Sorry
Does DH have siblings? What do they think?Do you both have friends / relatives you can share with - this has been a tough time

YourShyLion · 08/05/2026 11:03

I'm not sure why seeing them for a couple of hours would be a problem.

PeoniesAreMyFavouriteFlowers · 08/05/2026 11:06

YourShyLion · 08/05/2026 11:03

I'm not sure why seeing them for a couple of hours would be a problem.

They don’t want to.

ConstanzeMozart · 08/05/2026 11:07

I would absolutely not entertain this behaviour. I would not send a reasonable and emollient message as pps have suggested. How dare they behave and speak to you as they do? The 'You have really upset [MIL]. This is not acceptable.' and 'If you will not at least meet us for a couple of hours, there will be consequences.' are particularly manipulative and threatening.
As for 'You will not be welcome at our home again until you apologise to [MIL].' – fine! Problem solved.

I'd message them and say, 'We are not able to see you, for all the reasons we've already explained. We'll be unavailable all weekend and you are not welcome to park up outside the house.'
Then I'd either book into a hotel/Airbnb or just lock the door and ignore them.
Your DH can come with you to the Airbnb or not. He needs to sort himself out in relation to them. It's not fair that it involves you too.

Hoanna · 08/05/2026 11:12

FriendlyMedusa · 08/05/2026 06:33

No, we've never asked for support even though they are very well-off. DH has been financially independent since 18.

One of the consequences they bring up from time to time is cutting DH out of their will. It just makes me sad that they think we care about that, or that we're going to be bought.

Tell them to just cut their son from their will NOW and stop coming or making any contact. These people do not love you or him

HoppityBun · 08/05/2026 11:17

ThejoyofNC · 08/05/2026 06:12

"I don't know who you think you are but we aren't children to be threatened with consequences. We've told you no so if you want to waste your time driving here then you do that, we won't be seeing you. In fact, you're not welcome in our home either until you can act like respectful adults."

But don’t give it this limp wristed description. Call it for what it is:

”It is very inconvenient for us to have to host you at this time and we do not wish to do so. We do not understand why you wish to punish us if you don’t get your own way.”

PinkEasterbunny · 08/05/2026 11:18

As has been mentioned up-thread, you need a plan in case they do actually turn up (assuming you don't go away for the weekend and block access to your drive)

nixon1976 · 08/05/2026 11:31

This is really strange behaviour. If this is honestly how it played out - that you sent a genuine message saying so sorry we'd love to see you but it's not a good time, please come in June, and then they replied with those unhinged responses, then they seem truly abusive and I'd push back and refuse to see them. Is there more to this, though?

hueylouieanddewey · 08/05/2026 11:34

They sound like my DM and her late husband. Years ago they were supposed to be visiting DB and SIL. SIL was pregnant, and very sadly started to miscarry the day before they were due to arrive. DB called and asked them not to come, and they refused and said that they had made their plans, wanted to see toddler DN, and were coming regardless. They turned up on the Saturday morning and DB called me to go and help 'manage' them - it was an absolutely dreadful weekend and poor SIL spent most of it in the bedroom in tears, but DB didn't feel able to stand up to them for similar reasons to your DH and didn't want me to chuck them out which I was very happy to do. Some people/parents just can't see beyond their own wants, and think their children should just do as they are told, right into adulthood.

For all those saying 'why can't you see them for just a few hours' - why on earth would you want to spend time with people like this who have basically bullied you into it?!

Feelingstressedbutdoingmybest · 08/05/2026 11:37

They're being incredibly rude and emotionally manipulative. I think the "let them" philosophy will be helpful here. Along with the good old grey rock!

We are not in a position to host visitors at the moment. As you are aware, I am recovering from a random violent attack and currently have broken fingers. Describing this as chaotic is unkind. If you drive all this way you will be wasting a journey.