To tell in-laws to do one?

[FriendlyMedusa]

Okay obviously I won't phrase it like that, but DH and I are thinking about sending a message to his family's WhatsApp chat asking them to back off for a bit.

In the last month DH has been made redundant, our beloved cat had to be put to sleep, and I had my fingers broken in a random attack by a stranger. We're both a mess and the last thing we want is to host his parents. They do know about all of these things happening.

Last week they (MIL and FIL) texted that they "must" visit for 3 days in May. We said May is really busy and we're too stressed, how about June? - No reply.
Today they sent a text saying they ARE coming round for 3 days... From tomorrow! They live at the opposite end of the country, FTR, and we do not see them often. DH reiterates that we don't want to and are busy. Cue barrage of guilt-tripping, insulting texts from them:

"You seem to lead very chaotic lives but that is no excuse to not spend time with us."
"You have really upset [MIL]. This is not acceptable. "
"You will not be welcome at our home again until you apologise to [MIL]."
"We are still driving up tomorrow. If you will not at least meet us for a couple of hours, there will be consequences."

Whew. I don't want to reward this behaviour (it happens every few months) but I'm tempted to just for an easier life. Help?

Because they are ridiculous bullies maybe?

You could bend over backwards to accommodate every whim and they can still leave everything to the cats home.

Your in-laws have a very poor and harsh opinion of their son and their severe interactions affect him very badly to the point that it’s toxic for him. He must have lost even more confidence with his redundancy and unemployment ?

You sound very balanced and adjusted to the on-going problems and you try to keep the peace between them.

As a last resort to try gain their understanding, I agree with sending the message along the lines as suggested by a pp. Maybe you already have done.
If not, I think you could add that, though their concern is understandable, their rather cruel criticisms are also an unhelpful trigger for your DH’s anxiety.

In the meantime do you think your DH would benefit from professional advice from a therapist to help him deal better with their extreme, strong characters.

I’m sorry that you have been assaulted and I hope you can heal from that emotionally as well as physically. It must have been terrifying for you.

Sorry if I have misinterpreted; I know how difficult it is to convey the subtleties of a situation on a MN thread. However you did say “I'm generally the one trying to keep things sweet” which I understood as meaning you take an active part in communication and the relationship with them.

If this is the case then I would stop it. It may be hard on your DH but he has to either accept that he will always be miserable under the evil spell of his parents or look for a way to be at peace with distancing himself from them.

I'd take yourselves off to a hotel and turn off your phones. You shouldn't have to do that, but it will save some hassle.

If the "consequence" is that they don't contact you anymore then I would call that a win!

If he is not yet ready to cut ties, do you think you could support the avoidance more and the agreeing to see them less? By this I mean instead of agreeing to June, suggest July? taking on some or all of the communication with them so he doesn't have to (yes I know this is not the usual advice) If the do turn up uninvited, you be the one to answer the door and tell them to go away. It strikes me that he needs defending while he is getting his head straight (counselling?) and its reasonable for a loving partner to do this. I maybe haven't put this very well. I have been in a similar although less severe situation and my approach was that i would not tolerate such behaviour towards someone I cared for.

My mother used to do this! We called her bluff and she went into a total panic.
Whatever you do, DO NOT crumble. Just repeatedly tell them you are busy and can't see them. Maybe archive the group for the weekend, then If they do travel up and have tantrums without seeing you, after the weekend you just message that you did tell them you were busy, so you were surprised they travelled up.

OP, I fear you are going to have to tell them in words of one syllable that it is not in any way OK to visit today but you would be very pleased to see them on (insert date in June). You need to give them a date so they know it will happen. You’ve also got to decide what you’re going to do if they just turn up.

So he’s already low contact with then by default, even if he doesn’t admit that to himself.

Now all he has to do is ask his DPs to park their camper elsewhere.

Sending support and strength!

What would they even get out of a two hour visit after that series of messages? It's not going to be fucking joyful is it?

I'd either go nuclear in a text, let them turn up and not answer, or meet and sit in absolute silence. Make it as awkward and hard as possible.

Just take yourselves a way for a nice day out if you can. Sounds like you deserve it and it would save you having to deal with them. If the 'consequences' mean they are not talking to you, that sounds like a win to me.

Where are they parking this mini van? I assume they dont plan to sleep with it on the street? (If so alert the police as thats illegal in most places). If its your yard/garden/driveway block the access - put a lock on the gate, park a car ideally not yours in the entry way so they can't get in or if you can do any of that this time just go away for the weekend.

Unless your husband is prepared to call the police for harassment then they are going to do this to ambush him and he will not get any peace with them parked outside. So it would be better for them not to be abke to park outside or you simply not to be there.

This is textbook narcissism. Why on earth are you both pandering to it?
Your husband has no self esteem due to having them as parents. Cut them off and he will have the space to work on that.
They do not have the right to dictate, bully, emotional abuse, criticise and threaten.
I have been through this and took me until my mid-40s to realise that I don’t have to keep such unpleasant people in my life, even if they’re parents.
You aren’t helping your husband or your situation with them at all by trying to keep the peace, that’s being a people-pleaser.
I told mine I was done being the family scapegoat and refused all further contact - life is blissfully peaceful now and I only see people who fill my cup as much as I fill theirs.
Stand your ground.
I’d go out for the day, maybe even book a hotel for the night. Or if you’d rather stay at home just don’t answer the door - it really IS that simple.

@FriendlyMedusa I think this is a very good message to send them. Kind but firm

Whew. I don't want to reward this behaviour (it happens every few months) but I'm tempted to just for an easier life. Help?
This stood out to me from your first post because raising a puppy, I have to do certain things in order to not reward bad behaviour and for some short term pain will hopefully have an easier life on the long run.

@JoshLymanSwagger suggestion was good. "Lock up the house and go away for the weekend.
Anywhere - a friend maybe?
Cheapest BnB you can find."

What I think would be better (although unrealistic) is, if you have spare keys for their house to take yourself there for a couple of days. Text them and say, like them, you also needed a change of scenery so you have made yourself comfortable at their house. Hope they don't mind but if they do there will be consequences.

Back to the real world, your DH might want to ask them if they thought their attitude was going to make you both either more or less likely to want to spend any time with them.

I think it's a good approach to, but for this sort of thing an even better approach might be to pick up the phone, if you can face it! Messaging in these fraught circumstances never lands well.

The camper is a bit of an issue because, otherwise, I'd say just don't let them in. Can you go away for the weekend? Take refuge with friends?

I'm confused by your role in all this, OP.
When they come round and they are being nasty to your DH and he's just taking it, do you call them out or do you just sit there too? Because I'd be telling them that they can't talk to people like that in my home, and tell them to leave.
Your DH might not be ready to admit to himself that he wants to go no contact, but his day to day actions amount to the same thing. He doesn't have to give it a name. He just needs to achieve the space. And he could probably do with counselling.

Just reply that you have already explained it's not a good time right now. Ask them to respect that.
If they do not, literally ignore the door.

This ☝️ 💯
@FriendlyMedusa

Oh yes I’m sure it’ll be a really jovial meet up given the threats and emotional blackmail leading up to it. They have already damaged relations whether the op and her dh see them or not.

I agree you shouldn’t reward this behaviour or bow down to their threats. They sound like horrible controlling people. Just go out and turn your phone off. Is there a chance of them hanging around until
you come home?

They sound fucking horrible with their threats and emotional blackmail. Why would you want to pander to that? It clearly doesn't stop them.

I'd send one final message: We said NO.

Then archive the group as suggested so you don't see messages, and arrange to be away or out. Let them turn up and see a closed door. I hope they don't have keys.

Based on the title I was going to say another In-laws issue from a DIL but now I have read your post - bloody hell.

As Thejoyof NC says - how very dare they. What sort of consequences. Remove you from their wills?

I had a friend who had this sort of behavior. Father in particular threatened to change his will numerous times. In the end when he passed the will was dated 1972. There wasnt an awful lot left in the end circa £30k but it seems to be common to use the threat of disheirtance to get what you want.