To tell in-laws to do one?

[FriendlyMedusa]

Okay obviously I won't phrase it like that, but DH and I are thinking about sending a message to his family's WhatsApp chat asking them to back off for a bit.

In the last month DH has been made redundant, our beloved cat had to be put to sleep, and I had my fingers broken in a random attack by a stranger. We're both a mess and the last thing we want is to host his parents. They do know about all of these things happening.

Last week they (MIL and FIL) texted that they "must" visit for 3 days in May. We said May is really busy and we're too stressed, how about June? - No reply.
Today they sent a text saying they ARE coming round for 3 days... From tomorrow! They live at the opposite end of the country, FTR, and we do not see them often. DH reiterates that we don't want to and are busy. Cue barrage of guilt-tripping, insulting texts from them:

"You seem to lead very chaotic lives but that is no excuse to not spend time with us."
"You have really upset [MIL]. This is not acceptable. "
"You will not be welcome at our home again until you apologise to [MIL]."
"We are still driving up tomorrow. If you will not at least meet us for a couple of hours, there will be consequences."

Whew. I don't want to reward this behaviour (it happens every few months) but I'm tempted to just for an easier life. Help?

Your point?

Agree to meet them for lunch somewhere so they can't get too loud and emotional? I would probably cave if they have come a distance, but why they would when you have said a dozen times it's not convenient, is it the only time they can come or they have something else to do near you?

wow have you actually read the thread?

Obviously not - unless it's MIL or FIL ?

WHOO!! You need to nip this in the butt now! How dare they speak to you both like that! Narcissistic traits right here! Your husband needs to respond with ‘in case you’ve not noticed dad Im a grown man, you don’t get to dictate to me or my wife, it’s not convenient for us right now so if you choose to make the journey the consequences will be of your own making as we won’t be home! Don’t ever use threats to me or my wife again’ . I grew up with narcissistic parents you need to stop this now! I actually wouldn’t be as polite or civilised as I’ve written but that’s probably down to my life experience of narcissistic people like this! Please don’t let them push you around they’ll do it all the time? Good luck!

I hope they have booked a nice hotel as they wouldn’t be around mine after making shitty comments and IGNORING boundaries.

Are they still circling your neighbourhood in their camper van, @FriendlyMedusa?!

I am so sorry so much has happened to you both in a short space of time. I hope you are okay.

Is there anything you can park in the place they would put the camper? They have no right to do this at any time but especially now.

Tell them one last time that you can’t see them and that if they turn up there will be nowhere to stay.

Jesus Christ, have you been drinking ?

No one has to be held over a barrel and their needs and boundaries disregarded because someone won’t be here one day. What a load a bullshit you wrote there.

Hang on, I've corrected that first paragraph for you, seeing as you clearly haven't RTFT.

One day they will be dead. Then you will be happy. your DH will be free of being made to feel like nothing he does is good enough. You do not deserve I see you have no interest in to inheriting, so that's OK. Why on earth would anyone leave money to someone who doesn't even want them someone in their house who belittles them, like your in-laws do your DH?

Someone’s had a few sherrys I think.

The in laws are insulting, overbearing, demanding and abusive. They are using threats to try and pressure op and her dh into hosting them when they don’t want to. Maybe if they were kinder, more supportive parents they’d be welcomed. But their behaviour means that op and her dh don’t feel able to cope with them during a difficult time. They have nobody to blame for that but themselves.

You need to work on your boundaries and self esteem if you’d truly tolerate this behaviour purely because the perpetrators are your parents or in laws.

This !

Well done, not everyone is as perfect as you. The OPs in-laws aren’t being ‘a little overbearing’. They are trampling on the feelings of their DS and DIL.

They aren’t nice people. They do actually sound abusive. They aren’t capable of loving him if they consistently call him lazy etc. You don’t speak like that to someone you truly love. Or impose when they are crazy busy with life stress.

Being completely financially independent from 18 is also odd. How did he afford uni / or if worked at 18 somewhere to rent? Unless they are broke, then that’s another indicator that they don’t deeply love him.

There’s something wrong here. They will abuse him for the rest of their lives unless he cuts them off. Yes, of course, it’s a major and drastic step. I tried and tried for more than 2 decades as an adult but eventually cut my dad off when I was 42. I gave him thousands of 2nd chances and he never changed. Self centred, rude, abusive narc. Narc isn’t used lightly - totally accurately.

not knowing whether to support with what he says or what he does.

What he does, always. Actions speak louder than words.
So if he doesn't contact his parents, you don't either, and you don't remind him, or even mention them in conversation, ever.

Drop it completely. He will either contact them in his own time, or not.

wow I could have written this myself - only difference being that my in laws would not make the effort to come and see me, DH and our little DD - they guilt trip us with the ‘consequences’ threat if we don’t travel nearly 200 miles one way to go and see them! ‘Oh you’re stressing MIL out, she feels like the left out granny, she won’t have a relationship with her granddaughter, you are being really selfish how do you think DD would feel not knowing her granny etc etc.’ what a joke.
they are also entitled, selfish, greedy, think people can be bought, live a pretentious middle class lifestyle that they can barely afford and at times often can’t which has resulted them asking us for a loan (to which we’ve always said no) a few times..
so yeah I would tell your in laws to do one - you married their son, not them

When was the last time you saw them ?
With them changing it to just meet them for a few hours could they possible have something important they want to discuss in person?

You have enough troubles, life would be less of a burden if they weren't around.

CONSEQUENCES?! my god OP, they dont sound nice to be around with or without everything you've got going on personally. How controlling.

Wowzer. You say this happens every few months - is it a similar situation where they ignore your boundaries and you allow them to do what they want anyway?

Perhaps you could be a bit more established and forthcoming with your boundaries this time. You don’t need to be rude or unpleasant or use any emotional language. They’re treating you like children, but if you respond as calm rational adults it might catch them off guard.

’thank you for your message. As explained previously we have had an incredibly difficult time recently and it’s not convenient for us right now. However, as I already said, you are more than welcome to come and visit in June when things have settled down for us a little bit. If June doesn’t work for you, then we can arrange a get together at a mutually convenient time.’

Good Grief. My thread has been deleted. I just want to repeat that I wish that my father in law was still alive so that I could tell him how much I appreciate him.
I really don't fit with all the hate on mumsnet.
Apologies for coming from a nice family who all get along

You're extremely fortunate.

And, as you're the one raising the theme of hate, it's a pity you apparently have less compassion for those who never received this privilege.

Updating since several people have asked for it:

1. They have not surfaced in person. I believe they were parked up somewhere nearby for 2 days, but they didn't say where.
2. The last message we have from them (last night) just says "We'll be driving home at noon tomorrow. Over to you." So hopefully they have gone by now as it's half 2 here.
3. A few people have criticised that we're messaging rather than calling - This is intentional. They are actually worse on the phone, so DH decided not to do phonecalls as he wants written reminders of how they talk to him rather than relying on memory that could get mixed up or change wording to be better/worse and so on. They'll often say horrible things face to face or on the phone that they totally deny later. Or say horrible things in a nice tone, that DH only processes he's upset about 24 hours later. Without the benefit of time to think about his replies, he's liable to say yes to whatever they ask and agree with their criticisms of him because he's been conditioned to deference for so long.

DH is too wound up to risk reengaging them right now, so is going to message in a few days when he's more calm. He hasn't replied to their repeated messages since reiterating our "no" at the start of all this.

I also just want to say thank you for all of the help and discussion on this thread. It's helped me process it. DH has now read it too and taken some pointers for how he interacts with them going forward, which he will be doing on a very low-contact level.

If they turn up on the door step and you have a door bell that records, all the better for you.