To tell in-laws to do one?

[FriendlyMedusa]

Okay obviously I won't phrase it like that, but DH and I are thinking about sending a message to his family's WhatsApp chat asking them to back off for a bit.

In the last month DH has been made redundant, our beloved cat had to be put to sleep, and I had my fingers broken in a random attack by a stranger. We're both a mess and the last thing we want is to host his parents. They do know about all of these things happening.

Last week they (MIL and FIL) texted that they "must" visit for 3 days in May. We said May is really busy and we're too stressed, how about June? - No reply.
Today they sent a text saying they ARE coming round for 3 days... From tomorrow! They live at the opposite end of the country, FTR, and we do not see them often. DH reiterates that we don't want to and are busy. Cue barrage of guilt-tripping, insulting texts from them:

"You seem to lead very chaotic lives but that is no excuse to not spend time with us."
"You have really upset [MIL]. This is not acceptable. "
"You will not be welcome at our home again until you apologise to [MIL]."
"We are still driving up tomorrow. If you will not at least meet us for a couple of hours, there will be consequences."

Whew. I don't want to reward this behaviour (it happens every few months) but I'm tempted to just for an easier life. Help?

This is going to be an ongoing seesaw. She'll either bow to her limpet husbands wishes or divorce him.

There's very good long running threads on here I think called "But I took you to stately homes".

The god awful parents often win because their adult children can't cut the toxic strings.

It's like they pushed out a baby just to be their willing slave, whipping boy for the whole of their lives.

I've been there. Took me 50 years to disengage. She died on Monday aged 90. Despite the fact that I went NC 20 years ago I'm now embroiled in her funeral arrangements.

Families agree universally there is to be no service, just get them to cremate her. And no-one wants the ashes 🙈

They sound very demanding. It’s also pretty insulting to say you lead very chaotic lives… the three huge events you’ve been through recently were totally out of your control!

It’s not as if you’ve been going on all night benders or inviting drug addicts to lodge with you, or taking in multiple random stray animals with health issues or anything else that can bring additional pressure / chaos into your life through choice.

Consequences. Controlling pair. I should meet them on neutral ground for the two hours they suggest and tell them that visiting is by invitation; you don't want to lose them but if that's the nature of the consequences threat then so be it.

Did they turn up OP?

This is the problem with texting. You don't get the same emotional impact as from a telephone conversation. If you have to say it, speak it.

THIS!!!

I would say ...go away for the weekend....treat yourselves.
No doubt they will park on your drive so I can see that could be a problem.
Do be firm.

Just a thought. Maybe after husband's, (hate the abbreviations), redundancy they want to gift you some money?

no one has to have the ashes. We are not an ashes family and they have been scattered on various crematorium rose gardens.

really? I mean really?

This is something my Mother would pull and then play the victim when told no. She would tell people that she had tried to visit us or her grandkids and we 'turned her away'. It's all about control.

I can also say it will be very difficult for your husband as he can logically see that they are toxic but it is very hard to overcome what is called the Fog - fear and guilt that is usually programmed throughout childhood - plus society really struggles with admitting toxic parents can exist. Just follow his lead and support his choices and good luck!

This is why conducting relationships through WhatsApp groups is a terrible idea.
DH needs to phone his parents.

Making threats to you and your husband “there will be consequences” is treating you both like children, have you looked at transactional analysis it might help you see the roles being played out in this . If your husbands approach is to avoid it communicates a certain childishness, and so they stay in the “parent” position. If he moves himself to “adult” position he has more options available to him such as telling them what he thinks and setting boundaries, when he does that they are forced to move to an adult position and communicate as adults not as parents . This might be worth a try , the other posts have given ways of explaining this to them . If they continue to put themselves as authoritarian parent position then you just have to reinforce the rules . For example, “ I am a grown man and I expect to be spoken to with respect, if you are rude and disrespectful then I will end this conversation, you are my parents but that does not give you permission to belittle and humiliate me”. And repeat and repeat. If they keep up with behaving badly then the lack of communication is completely their own failure an so your husband can be at peace knowing that he gave them an opportunity to correct but they chose to ignore it. I hope you and your husband have nice supportive people in your lives who are being kind you both xx

Wow, I admire your restraint OP!

Sadly, I have several relatives who have been completely and utterly messed up by their parents (sons and mums, usually). They try so hard to appease and make things better, while hating it the whole time.

He will eventually hit his limit and be ready to put himself first - but will likely need a lot of support and possibly some therapy (CBT?) to process the fact that his low self esteem is a direct result of how they've treated him.

For now, just support him and assert your boundaries, for the both of you. If they react poorly then it may be the push he needs to just cut his losses (or get to a point where their barbs don't affect him).

Good luck, OP. I know it's an awful position to be in, but they honestly can't do anything about any of this - it's your lives and you have the power to say no in this situation.

They must have read the same playbook as my in-laws. Guilt, manipulation and follows no normal etiquette.

My DH won’t fully cut them off just tries to limit contact but has just enough contact that they won’t blow up.

Let them come, and make zero effort.

I’d say we’re sorry that you feel that way. We’ve explained why this is not a good time for us and that you can visit next month. If you don’t respect us enough to give proper notice of arriving or listen when we say you can’t visit, we’ll happily take whatever consequences that you see fit. Our consequences will be that you are not welcome in our house again until you behave like reasonable, respectful people. We will not visit you during this time either.

I'd be inclined to message back and say we're all adults, your threats are upsetting us right now. It is not convenient and we've already told you this. Please let's rearrange for a time that suits all of us.

If this does not work for you then go ahead, but we will not be entertaining you.

No grey areas, any uncertain vibes. Simple and in black and white.

Typo?

Leaving aside the hostile posts op (you always get some on mumsnet), we need to know what has happened ... have they turned up at your house today?

How are things today @FriendlyMedusa?

cat on the keyboard???

No. The inlaws are controlling nightmares. Texting them to say No is quite correct, they cannot pretend to misunderstand or misremember statements, not to mention allowing them access to yell at you some more is not a solution.