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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell in-laws to do one?

458 replies

FriendlyMedusa · 08/05/2026 06:01

Okay obviously I won't phrase it like that, but DH and I are thinking about sending a message to his family's WhatsApp chat asking them to back off for a bit.

In the last month DH has been made redundant, our beloved cat had to be put to sleep, and I had my fingers broken in a random attack by a stranger. We're both a mess and the last thing we want is to host his parents. They do know about all of these things happening.

Last week they (MIL and FIL) texted that they "must" visit for 3 days in May. We said May is really busy and we're too stressed, how about June? - No reply.
Today they sent a text saying they ARE coming round for 3 days... From tomorrow! They live at the opposite end of the country, FTR, and we do not see them often. DH reiterates that we don't want to and are busy. Cue barrage of guilt-tripping, insulting texts from them:

"You seem to lead very chaotic lives but that is no excuse to not spend time with us."
"You have really upset [MIL]. This is not acceptable. "
"You will not be welcome at our home again until you apologise to [MIL]."
"We are still driving up tomorrow. If you will not at least meet us for a couple of hours, there will be consequences."

Whew. I don't want to reward this behaviour (it happens every few months) but I'm tempted to just for an easier life. Help?

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 09/05/2026 14:23

FriendlyMedusa · 08/05/2026 21:45

They haven't actually appeared at our house (yet). No idea if they will. They are still sending hourly messages to DH trying to bargain him into seeing them since they're so close by, which he is dutifully ignoring.

I considered a hotel but didn't want to be bullied out of my own home and frankly, couldn't be arsed. That does mean we've spent the whole day unable to relax. Obviously we would not answer if they appeared, but it's still not nice to have to think about.

Show quote history

Did they turn up in the end OP?

Alliod40 · 09/05/2026 15:12

100% your DH does not want to lose his inheritance and that's the only reason he puts up with his parents and what they put him through and if no one else can see that they're ridiculous..any normal sane person would be long gone from that behaviour,sorry if you don't like to gear it but it's the truth..hiding in your home and his parents down the road..would you ever stop..either go see them or just go do your own thing fgs

WearyAuldWumman · 09/05/2026 15:44

user1492757084 · 09/05/2026 05:34

Maybe they have some grave news to share?
Have an operation booked for the following month?

They are your parents and you said you rarely see them so I would make their journey worth while.
Be welcoming.

Suggest that, due to your difficult month and the timing of the visit, you will all be eating out each night. Don't cook. Don't do any thing you can notmanage easily. They are your family not guests to be hosted.

Suggest that the children take adventures with them for some hours each day to a local lovely park or stately home or zoo.

Try to keep calm and civil. You might all enjoy it.

If they had 'grave news to share', I doubt very much that they'd be wittering on about consequences.

30mins · 09/05/2026 16:24

The camper makes sense now. They are not coming to see you … they are on holiday with facilities

MagpiePi · 09/05/2026 16:33

Alliod40 · 09/05/2026 15:12

100% your DH does not want to lose his inheritance and that's the only reason he puts up with his parents and what they put him through and if no one else can see that they're ridiculous..any normal sane person would be long gone from that behaviour,sorry if you don't like to gear it but it's the truth..hiding in your home and his parents down the road..would you ever stop..either go see them or just go do your own thing fgs

Read the thread before making ill informed comments. The OP said in her second post:

No, we've never asked for support even though they are very well-off. DH has been financially independent since 18.
One of the consequences they bring up from time to time is cutting DH out of their will. It just makes me sad that they think we care about that, or that we're going to be bought.

AgnesMcDoo · 09/05/2026 16:36

Stop texting each other and pick up the phone and talk to each other like actual humans.

No wonder misunderstandings are happening if you all communicate by WhatsApp. 😳

Alliod40 · 09/05/2026 16:37

MagpiePi · 09/05/2026 16:33

Read the thread before making ill informed comments. The OP said in her second post:

No, we've never asked for support even though they are very well-off. DH has been financially independent since 18.
One of the consequences they bring up from time to time is cutting DH out of their will. It just makes me sad that they think we care about that, or that we're going to be bought.

Show quote history

Will you stop,she might have said this to save face but it's obvious to most people with grown up common sense what's going on ..there's no way he would put up with the harassment otherwise

Original poster
FriendlyMedusa · 09/05/2026 16:50

Alliod40 · 09/05/2026 16:37

Will you stop,she might have said this to save face but it's obvious to most people with grown up common sense what's going on ..there's no way he would put up with the harassment otherwise

Show quote history

If you think I'm lying to "save face" to the anonymous posters of Mumsnet, you may need to give your head a wobble.

If you also can't imagine why someone would find it too challenging and painful to cut off their own parents besides money, I suspect that says more about you.

OP posts:
jinglejanglescarecat · 09/05/2026 17:29

Haven’t read the entire thread but read Ops. I think you’re doing the right thing to attempt some boundaries. They sound awful.

so sorry for the bad times you’ve have recently.

dapsnotplimsolls · 09/05/2026 17:34

Any contact today?

Barbie11 · 09/05/2026 17:41

Maybe they are visiting to check on you both to see how they can help / offer support? I would go cautiously - it could be coming from a good & supportive place

WearyAuldWumman · 09/05/2026 17:42

Barbie11 · 09/05/2026 17:41

Maybe they are visiting to check on you both to see how they can help / offer support? I would go cautiously - it could be coming from a good & supportive place

Not when they're texting about consequences, though.

RosyDaysAhead · 09/05/2026 17:44

You’ve told them it’s not convenient. Your husband has told them. They are welcome to make the drive but they cannot stay with you and you will be under no obligation to drop everything to spend time with them.

they are entitled!!

BeRarePlumCrab · 09/05/2026 17:45

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 08/05/2026 06:06

I wouldn't even answer the door

What are the consequences?

Id like to know what consequences a father is going to give his adult child too. Ive not laughed this hard for a while.

Moii · 09/05/2026 17:47

I'd have to hear their side of the story to comment, doesn't sound quite right.

jdb9803 · 09/05/2026 17:47

DressDilemma · 08/05/2026 06:17

Why can’t you meet them for a couple of hours?

And reward their awful behaviour and threats?!

jdb9803 · 09/05/2026 17:48

Barbie11 · 09/05/2026 17:41

Maybe they are visiting to check on you both to see how they can help / offer support? I would go cautiously - it could be coming from a good & supportive place

Did you read their comments? - that is not coming from a good and supportive place!

ConstanzeMozart · 09/05/2026 17:55

Barbie11 · 09/05/2026 17:41

Maybe they are visiting to check on you both to see how they can help / offer support? I would go cautiously - it could be coming from a good & supportive place

Are you having a laugh

ThreadGuardDog · 09/05/2026 18:07

Alliod40 · 09/05/2026 16:37

Will you stop,she might have said this to save face but it's obvious to most people with grown up common sense what's going on ..there's no way he would put up with the harassment otherwise

Show quote history

Why is it obvious ? Why do you not believe what OP is saying - surely that’s the point of MN ?

WoosMama13 · 09/05/2026 18:08

Move the car(s) out of sight. Lock the doors and hide. Do not answer the door. Hope they don't have a key or know where a spare is?
Or you and hubby go away for the night for a break and avoid them that way?
Not unreasonable to just say no and ignore. Your boundaries are being ignored and they're wrong for doing that.

TellyLass · 09/05/2026 18:14

They sound unhinged and controlling. Poor dh. Is db the golden boy?

Anon501178 · 09/05/2026 18:17

'There will be consequences' 🤦‍♀️ what the hell! They clearly don't respect you/DH as adults....ridiculous toxic behaviours- i don't think these people deserve a place in your lives tbh OP.

ChavsAreReal · 09/05/2026 18:17

Alliod40 · 09/05/2026 16:37

Will you stop,she might have said this to save face but it's obvious to most people with grown up common sense what's going on ..there's no way he would put up with the harassment otherwise

Show quote history

Many people tolerate difficult family relationships, even though their family members have no money and their is zero inheritance involved!

Its obvious you're projecting.

Vixxxs · 09/05/2026 18:21

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 08/05/2026 06:06

I wouldn't even answer the door

What are the consequences?

Consequences??? Do they think you are 10 years old! They should have offered for you to take a few days with them being as you have had a bit of a rough time? I would of told them you are going away for a few days and you won’t be home, then take yourselves off, (on the morning they are coming, ) to a cheap air bnb for a couple days, I definitely wouldn’t give in, you are not doing anything wrong here, do not be told what to do!

Dancingintherain09 · 09/05/2026 18:24

Grey rock them short, neutral answers to the point.

If the escalate, then just stop replying.