Page 16 | To tell in-laws to do one?

Littlejellyuk · 09/05/2026 21:12

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Andthatmyfriendisthat · 09/05/2026 21:12

FunkySoulMedina · 09/05/2026 20:27

I'd be inclined to message back and say we're all adults, your threats are upsetting us right now. It is not convenient and we've already told you this. Please let's rearrange for a time that suits all of us.

If this does not work for you then go ahead, but we will not be entertaining you.

No grey areas, any uncertain vibes. Simple and in black and white.

Yes. And then no further communication.

However, I'd have booked the hotel. Dying to know what happened.

jellyfish798 · 09/05/2026 21:19

FriendlyMedusa · 08/05/2026 06:01

Okay obviously I won't phrase it like that, but DH and I are thinking about sending a message to his family's WhatsApp chat asking them to back off for a bit.

In the last month DH has been made redundant, our beloved cat had to be put to sleep, and I had my fingers broken in a random attack by a stranger. We're both a mess and the last thing we want is to host his parents. They do know about all of these things happening.

Last week they (MIL and FIL) texted that they "must" visit for 3 days in May. We said May is really busy and we're too stressed, how about June? - No reply.
Today they sent a text saying they ARE coming round for 3 days... From tomorrow! They live at the opposite end of the country, FTR, and we do not see them often. DH reiterates that we don't want to and are busy. Cue barrage of guilt-tripping, insulting texts from them:

"You seem to lead very chaotic lives but that is no excuse to not spend time with us."
"You have really upset [MIL]. This is not acceptable. "
"You will not be welcome at our home again until you apologise to [MIL]."
"We are still driving up tomorrow. If you will not at least meet us for a couple of hours, there will be consequences."

Whew. I don't want to reward this behaviour (it happens every few months) but I'm tempted to just for an easier life. Help?

Wtaf is going on with your in laws! I'd be taking a serious time out from them. With no apologies. Threatening "consequences" is unreal & they need a reality check. Don't enable their behaviour by hosting and putting up with mandatory fun, they are massively out of order x

JWhipple · 09/05/2026 21:21

DressDilemma · 08/05/2026 06:17

Why can’t you meet them for a couple of hours?

Because they sound horrible. Why should people have to spend time with bullies? Unless you think their behaviour is fine and in fact behave this way yourself.

Sofflespop · 09/05/2026 22:20

I haven’t read all the replies but this sounds like my in laws behave. I also played the role like you of gentle reminders to my DH, and made huge efforts to treat both in laws and my parents equally - until I got a serious illness, and it all became clearly toxic. The guilt tripping, emotional manipulation etc didn’t stop with me being ill, and my healthy boundaries as I tried to get better from a debilitating illness was met with complaints and criticism. They treat my children so disappointingly - second best to their favourite grandchildren even when they were going through hard times.
Anyway I tell you this as I got therapy - and learnt about this being an enmeshed family dynamic (no boundaries!) and the scape goat child (your DH) can do no right, and golden child (the son who stayed local, provably more closely aligns to their values & way of life) can do no wrong. Your DH sounds so similar to mine in his response, it’s sad but it’s a response to the pain of never being truly accepted for who you are & loved fully by your parents. There’s lots of info online about this dynamic, also terms used about enmeshed family are ‘emotionally immature parents’. The answer for us is actually what my DH naturally doing, low contact, grey rock. Everytime we hope for something different they let our children down.

Gowlett · 09/05/2026 22:31

Farking hell… Families, eh?

BrownTroutBluesAgain · 09/05/2026 22:47

Gowlett · 09/05/2026 22:31

Farking hell… Families, eh?

I agree

So many in laws though !
Why is it always the inlaws ??

All of ours were fine btw. But because we set boundaries and saw them every 6 weeks, all prearranged and agreed

Good luck OP. Think dh needs to step up on this one.

Littlejellyuk · 09/05/2026 22:57

My previous post was deleted.
Still don't understand why.

I stand by that I said.
Your ILs sound nuts.
Ignore the haters on here.

ETA: You do what's best for you and your DH. 💯
@FriendlyMedusa

Twinkletoesandspaghettios · 09/05/2026 23:27

FriendlyMedusa · 08/05/2026 21:45

They haven't actually appeared at our house (yet). No idea if they will. They are still sending hourly messages to DH trying to bargain him into seeing them since they're so close by, which he is dutifully ignoring.

I considered a hotel but didn't want to be bullied out of my own home and frankly, couldn't be arsed. That does mean we've spent the whole day unable to relax. Obviously we would not answer if they appeared, but it's still not nice to have to think about.

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@FriendlyMedusa did they turn up at the house or what’s happened?

Very unfair situation on you and DH.

BruFord · 10/05/2026 02:53

FriendlyMedusa · 08/05/2026 17:30

As I've already said in this thread, DH says he's not ready to cut them off and wants to "be a better son", will wax lyrical about how he's going to see them more often and fix their relationship etc... Then functionally just ignores them.

So, that puts me in the difficult position of not knowing whether to support with what he says or what he does.

And I do understand PILs must feel ignored and shit. But there's a very good reason DH does his best not to think about them and runs at every possible opportunity. Maybe I need to be more vocal about telling him there's no shame in cutting someone off.

Ironically I haven't wanted to push him in any direction because I don't want to be just another voice telling him what to do, or be blamed later if he decides to cut them off and regrets it.

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@FriendlyMedusa Honestly, I'd advise you to step back and let him handle his relationship with his parents. Stop communicating directly with them and let him handle any contact going forward. Listen to him if he wants to talk about their relationship but just be a sympathetic sounding board.

I'm guessing that you have a very different relationship with your own parents and it must be hard to navigate this mess.

Andthatmyfriendisthat · 10/05/2026 03:12

BruFord · 10/05/2026 02:53

@FriendlyMedusa Honestly, I'd advise you to step back and let him handle his relationship with his parents. Stop communicating directly with them and let him handle any contact going forward. Listen to him if he wants to talk about their relationship but just be a sympathetic sounding board.

I'm guessing that you have a very different relationship with your own parents and it must be hard to navigate this mess.

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Provided he makes absolutely no decisions about them dumping themselves on OP's doorstep without her input, then yes that would be ideal. But the problem is that, as they are bullying control freaks, he might struggle to withstand their abuse without OPs backup.

BruFord · 10/05/2026 03:16

Andthatmyfriendisthat · 10/05/2026 03:12

Provided he makes absolutely no decisions about them dumping themselves on OP's doorstep without her input, then yes that would be ideal. But the problem is that, as they are bullying control freaks, he might struggle to withstand their abuse without OPs backup.

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@Andthatmyfriendisthat She can still back him up without communicating with them though.

Andthatmyfriendisthat · 10/05/2026 03:17

BruFord · 10/05/2026 03:16

@Andthatmyfriendisthat She can still back him up without communicating with them though.

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Yes, that's true. He should definitely be the one to communicate with them.

99bottlesofkombucha · 10/05/2026 03:49

PlayingDevilsAdvocateisinteresting · 08/05/2026 15:57

But do your parents only get to see you once or twice a year nixon? Do you ring and chat to your parents quite frequently, and if your parents live a long way away do you ever go to visit them instead, hopefully not including that in the once or twice a year that they are allowed to see you? In fact, the OP says that her DH's parents coming to see them is often a last minute thing, and having seen all of the OP's replys so far, I imagine that they don't give much notice for their visits because in the past when they have done so, it has given the OP the chance to think up why they can't come on that occassion, after them having already started to look forward to seeing their son - yes, I deliberately left out looking forward to seeing their DiL, because it must be hard to look forward to seeing someone who obviously hates and resents you.

I wonder if the OP and her husband ever invite them to stay, as from the OP's later posts I don't think that they do. I think that if the OP and her DH don't want to make the journey all the way to his parents, then they - the OP and her DH - should be inviting them to stay, at the very least, every 4 months. It is not as if they even have to make a bed, and bedroom available to them, as they apparently sleep in their motor home. As for the MiL calling her son lazy - which they were silly to do, but I think that emotions were probably running very high at that point, I wonder if it was in response to having been turned down for a visit to the OP's home, and in reply to the OP, and their son, refusing to drive to see them, probably citing it as being too far? I can imagine that in that sort of phone call, the MiL or the FiL might have accused their son of being too lazy to make the journey.

I really hope that my post here doesn't sound as if I am having a 'pot' at you nixon, as I am most certainly not! In fact it was your previous post to the OP, and her response to you, that made me realise just how much I would love to hear the in-Laws reply to the OP's damning character assassination of her in-Laws. I now think that in all probability, it is much more likely that the OP is the one who has been causing the most mental abuse in that relationship. Which still doesn't excuse the in-Laws awful texts, but it might go somewhere to explaining them? Figuratively speaking, I am expecting a lot of red arrows for my change of heart!

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Oh come on. Let’s just take two facts. That they last came to stay a couple of days before the op and her dh were MOVING HOUSE. That makes them completely entitled uncaring head cases on its own. But let’s use two facts- they threaten to cut the ops dh out of their will. If you think the op might be the toxic one having read these, you should think carefully about how you interact with others. Have you threatened to cut your dc out of your will yet? Do you deliberately make lots of work for your dc at already full on times in their life like moving house?

Andthatmyfriendisthat · 10/05/2026 03:51

99bottlesofkombucha · 10/05/2026 03:49

Oh come on. Let’s just take two facts. That they last came to stay a couple of days before the op and her dh were MOVING HOUSE. That makes them completely entitled uncaring head cases on its own. But let’s use two facts- they threaten to cut the ops dh out of their will. If you think the op might be the toxic one having read these, you should think carefully about how you interact with others. Have you threatened to cut your dc out of your will yet? Do you deliberately make lots of work for your dc at already full on times in their life like moving house?

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Yep. Insisting on burdening people with your presence when they are moving house is actually an insane level of entitled bullying. These inlaws are dreadful people. Full stop.

estrogone · 10/05/2026 05:17

My experience of a dysfunctional relationship with my parents has led me to conclude that some parents just never get the memo that adult children have something called free will. They see themselves as the head/boss/big kahuna and nothing will ever change.

Don't hide, don't go away for the day or the weekend, this is just more work for you. I would phone, not text and reiterate that you don't appreciate or accept being dictated to and the guilt trip and reiterate they are welcome to visit in June, but not today. We are really struggling, we aren't up to hosting. It’s a shame you aren't able to understand this but we really mean it. They will likely strop, sulk and blank you. No loss.

katedean · 10/05/2026 05:51

The obvious solution that a lot of people are doing including us is putting family in air b & b or even a budget hotel. UK houses are generally small & don't have guest accommodation. This way you can see your family but everyone has their own space. It also sets boundaries.

oncemoreuntothebeachdearfriends · 10/05/2026 06:21

katedean · 10/05/2026 05:51

The obvious solution that a lot of people are doing including us is putting family in air b & b or even a budget hotel. UK houses are generally small & don't have guest accommodation. This way you can see your family but everyone has their own space. It also sets boundaries.

If you RTFT you'll see they have a campervan.

SingedSoul · 10/05/2026 06:40

DressDilemma · 08/05/2026 06:17

Why can’t you meet them for a couple of hours?

Because they are being arseholes.

Justbreathagain · 10/05/2026 06:53

Hi OP,
I have ready all your posts.
His parents are near by so I would let them in and meet up with them. Use this opportunity to have a face to face talk. I think you need to explain why your so busy as in their minds they think your making it up as you have not told them all the reasons like the redundancy etc making life difficult. I think it's worth that conversation as they are his parents. Ask them to remove from the will. Your not interested in inheriting and just take that "hold" they think they have over the situation. Explain that in the future they must respect your wishes when you say you are busy as next time if a visit is forced you will not receive them. (Speaking to you as you are the OP , but obviously this is the DH responsibility) Then if they agree to this I would make more of an effort to see them and visit them and invite them up and hopefully it will get better..
If they are not reasonable then this is toxic won't get better and I would go no contact.

Jumpers4goalposts · 10/05/2026 07:47

You mention earlier that they think your DH is lazy, is he lazy? Do you think they think he has been made redundant because he’s lazy? You mention they think you have a chaotic lifestyle, do you have a chaotic lifestyle? Maybe they are planning to perform an intervention? Maybe they are genuinely worried about your DH and the road he is on? Maybe they are planning on “helping” him get on his feet. If this is the case, I think you have to message yourself and say you’ve got it in hand and you’ll see them in June.

disturbia · 10/05/2026 08:00

OP I agree with others on here your DH needs to be doing all the communications with his own parents from now on. If my DIL was very involved in messages etc regarding contact arrangements I might think she was controlling him. I am not saying you are because I have read most of your posts but MIL might so she keeps insisting on seeing him. Could your DH discuss the situation with his brother who does have a relationship with them?

dointhebestwecan · 10/05/2026 08:04

Bad parents need to paint themselves as the victim so they don’t have to acknowledge how nasty they are. They are probably telling people how awful you are refusing to see them and how kind they are to you. It is text book. They also use vulnerability to their advantage knowing this gives them more power which may be why they are coming in hard here. They enjoy being like this and like to present in a way to others which is opposite to how they really are. It’s soul destroying n very upsetting when a parent says cruel things while insinuating you are the cruel one. They are doing the damage on purpose though. Your husband may regret not cutting ties with them as they will continue to damage him which is bad when he is looking for jobs. He needs to feel good about himself. It may be time to put himself first n go no contact in a subtle way so they don’t have a platform to say harmful things. He will need to go through a grieving process and the sadness is always there as it’s a dreadful situation as we love our parents whatever they do to us. I say all this from experience.

JohnnysMama · 10/05/2026 08:11

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 08/05/2026 06:06

I wouldn't even answer the door

What are the consequences?

The consequences probably - no inheritance if you don’t do like I said

Sheepsmellnice · 10/05/2026 08:50

Tell them to bring on the 'consequences '