AIBU to make DS16 reports sexual messages sent from his phone?

[BusyJoker]

DS (year 12) has been tutoring a year 9 girl for about a year. He told me that someone stole his phone without his knowledge during sixth form today and started mass sending sexual messages to all the girls in his contacts on snapchat. One of the people that was messaged is the year 9 girl DS is tutoring saying something along the lines of "Do you want to hook up I'm horny." DS was friends with the person before the incident and the person did it as a "joke". I encouraged DS to inform his school about this situation but he is refusing to do so as he doesn't want to be seen as a snitch by others and is saying his friend did a joke that crossed the line. What should I do? What action will the sixth form take against the pupil likely if informed?

Year 9 is still 13/14 , and under the age of consent. If I was the parent of that girl I’d go ballistic and I wouldn’t be appeased by “my mate took my phone”, even if it was true. Consider that.

I can see why he doesn't want to report it, it's a common prank teens play on each other without any real ill intent but him having a younger girl he is tutoring on there has really complicated things.
He should take this as a lesson to not have people he is in a position of power over on social media.

Her age and his role with her would make this far more serious than you seem to think it is.
it is everything to do with the police.
the school could easily say it’s nothing to do with them or that they don’t want your son back due to potential risk to students: other young people or children

I’d do it for him, so he can cover himself by saying you told the school not him but it still gets reported and he gets ahead of it

That is, if you believe he didn’t send them himself

It’s not a choice you’ll get to make unless you report it NOW.

He won’t report it, what teenage boy would? I do think his story is plausible but if so it will have come about from a conversation he’s had with the friend, I’m guessing not things they should be saying about a young teenager. Either way he needs to stop tutoring her. He’s setting himself up for a world of trouble if she reciprocates in any way.

You’re saying he’s a child himself under 18, but you’re letting him decide how to handle this. You’re the adult and you need to do what’s best and report it yourself.

He will know when it was taken by the timestamp of the sent messages surely?
if they were sent to so many people did anyone else respond to him?
has he told anyone it was someone else’s prank?
either way you should probably seek legal advice. Proper legal advice, not a mums’ internet forum

Should they what? Be made aware? Of course they should be made aware.
I find your attitude to this really disturbing.

Sexual communication with a child is a criminal offence. I cannot believe OP has not already contacted school and the police to report what has happened. It may or may not be that OP’s son sent the messages himself or was complicit in them being sent as a ‘joke’, but either way the matter needs to be investigated.

The thing which is deeply disturbing me is that the Year 9 girl may not even have told her parents about the message, so she may be frightened, confused and vulnerable tonight, worrying about this. I have a Year 9 niece and I swear to God, if I found out some shithead had done this and a parent knew about it and hadn’t reported it, I would be gunning for the parent as well as the boy(s) responsible.

As others have said - if the girl has told her parents, expect a knock on the door from the police and then try to explain why you didn’t report your son’s phone being used to send sexual messages to a child. Irresponsible parenting to sit there doing nothing.

If a 16 year old is tutoring another under 18 they may need a DBS check, it's not just adults.

The girl is in year 9 ie 13 or 14, not 9 years old.

To be honest I would just call the school and tell them - tell him you are doing it at X time to give him time to talk to head of year first.

Has he at least sent a message explaining what happened to everyone who was sent a dodgy text?

Your DS is potentially in a whole load of trouble and if what he has said is true he needs to report it now. If it isn’t, you need to stop him tutoring right now and take his phone off him. My DS18 does voluntary tutoring of a Y11 pupil in school as part of DofE. I pay for his phone. I couldn’t care less if he’s an adult - he would lose the phone if he did this and that would be the least of his problems.

Why is your Y12 son friends with a Y9 girl on Snapchat AND tutoring her? Massive safeguarding issue and red flag.

The police would already be at your door if someone tutoring my 13/14 year old daughter sent her a message like that. Doubt the police would be believing someone stole his conveniently unlocked phone to send it either.

Poor girl.

This was madness, I can't understand the girl's parents agreeing to tutoring on this basis. I do not think it should continue - this incident is just an example of why it is inappropriate. Tutors need to be adult, vetted, checked. This informal arrangement between a child and a young person without any supervision or training places them both at risk - as you have found out.

I disagree with the claims made above that this could not have happened. At my sons' school there was an epidemic of boys stealing each others' phones and sending inappropriate messages - though none like this. It happens. At my sons' school it was stopped by teachers cracking down on it- which is just one of the reasons you need to report this to the school. The fact that they did not arrange the tutoring is irrelevant.

There are two aspects of this situation that haven't so far been covered.

First, the Children's Wellbeing and Schools Act 2026 received Royal Assent on 29 April this year. The act puts on a statutory footing the requirement for all schools, including independent schools, to ban the use of ohones by pupils during the school day. The school OP's DS attends is breaking the law. If the school had done what it should have done, it would not need to be involved in sorting this out.

Second, while on the one hand it reflects well on your DS that he wants to protect his friend, it is the view of a minor. The friend needs to understand the gravity of what he has done, in the hope that he won't do it again.

In OP's shoes, I would be taking charge of this, not giving the DS options, because the situation is serious and because he is a minor. I would:

1. Insist on DS giving me the name of the friend.
2. Accompany DS to school tomorrow morning (provided I was free to do so) and speak to the head of year with DS, asking DS to outline what had happened.
3. Take advice from the head of year/safeguarding lead on how to manage the matter of th Y9 girl, something which needs doing tomorrow so she doesn't have the weekend to be distressed by it (if she is distressed).

If your son is telling the truth (and he could be, I changed the settings on my phone to stop it from locking quickly because it was annoying me having to unlock it constantly so it’s not completely implausible)- I would not be giving him a choice about whether to report this. I would be reporting it to the school and the police myself.

This is so serious that it really doesn’t matter if he feels comfortable snitching or not. He’s clearly not mature enough to make a sensible decision on this, so as his parent, you will need to do it for him as the consequences of not doing so could be catastrophic. For all the reasons PPs have stated- the fact that he is tutoring this girl, plus the age difference, and the fact that the message would have been horrible for her to receive. I’d also suggest that he is not mature enough to be tutoring younger students if his first concern, when something serious like this happens, is to worry about being seen as a grass. He should be concerned for his reputation and the distress this has probably caused to the girl, not whether he’s in good standing with a mate who has 100% fucked him over.

I think it is highly likely that her parents will report this to the police. I absolutely would in their position. If you and he don’t act sensibly and also report it, it will be too late as it will just sound like an excuse if he waits until he’s actually confronted with the consequences to claim that it was his friend.

As well as the parents of the girl being careless in allowing a 17-year old boy presumably unknown go the family to tutor their daughter, OP is naïve to have allowed it. Does DS go to the girl's house? Or is it done online?

I dont know what you should do.
However i have a y9 and at a mixed comp sadly has been exposed to much worse from the boys her own age. So whilst technically probably illegal due to age gaps, we’ve had a group of boys say to the group of girls sexual suggestions to 11-13yo girls.
A boy hitting a football off her head in a lesson, and a boy unzipping her bag while going up some stairs.

So as long as he apologised and deleted it and says to the girl/her parents it was sent by someone else. I mean hopefully he isnt being left 1-2-1 unattended with the girls hes tutoring?

I think you have to be absolutely clear on the seiousness of this issue. It's really serious, and could well affect your kid's future. There's no way it will just go away. It absolutely will affect his immediate future. His device will be seized by the police, it will be treated as a 'crime scene', and all possibilities (who sent it, was phone unlocked, who has culpability - it will be initially assumed that your son has culpability, even if he says this is not the case. At the very least, he will be questioned under caution.

I've just re-read the OP. The other matters to be dealt with is all the other girls in his contacts who were sent messages. What messaging system was used ie is there a record of them. You need a plan for what happens if their parents contact the police. Should your DS send a follow-up apology message? I don't know but school will. The school also needs to advise on informing the other boy's parents about what has happened.

He should report it and his 'friend' needs to own up. He will be reprimanded but no more than that, they are youngsters and often do stupid things.

I like your boy for not wanting to snitch but he has to protect himself. This was dangerous stuff, no doubt the other boy just thought it was a laugh but he needs a wake up call.