AIBU to make DS16 reports sexual messages sent from his phone?

[BusyJoker]

DS (year 12) has been tutoring a year 9 girl for about a year. He told me that someone stole his phone without his knowledge during sixth form today and started mass sending sexual messages to all the girls in his contacts on snapchat. One of the people that was messaged is the year 9 girl DS is tutoring saying something along the lines of "Do you want to hook up I'm horny." DS was friends with the person before the incident and the person did it as a "joke". I encouraged DS to inform his school about this situation but he is refusing to do so as he doesn't want to be seen as a snitch by others and is saying his friend did a joke that crossed the line. What should I do? What action will the sixth form take against the pupil likely if informed?

I used to tutor in sixth form. No way would I have had any of them on social media…
Completely inappropriate behaviour to begin with. His story sounds unlikely and it was probably him. How many victims are there? All the girls in his contacts? Hopefully all their parents know and the head will be very busy dealing with all the concerns tomorrow. He’s going to be known as quite the creep, and it indeed a massive power imbalance in the girl he’s tutoring.

I agree the parent should report - it’s concerning that she’s being very chilled about the whole thing. I agree with other posters that it may well have been him sending the messages.

The fact that there is a yr 9 child involved is worrying

I used to do criminal law years ago and they all had convoluted preposterous stories like that as to why it wasn’t their fault 🙄.

It’s not just the tutoring girl. Every girl contact was messaged. But why was DS friends with the year 9 girl on Snapchat?? He needs to learn about boundaries, especially if he was tutoring her.

I wonder why he didn't delete the messages when he got his phone back? Snapchat lets you 'unsend' by deleting. Presumably the girl wouldn't have had her phone on her desk at school so wouldn't have seen the message.

I don't believe his story for a moment. I am sure he has minimised the content of the message too.

Making sexual advances to a 9 year old??? Of course it's a crime.

How is 'do you want to hook up I am horny' not sexual?

No he won't.

Rapists don't even get a criminal record in most cases.

It’s school year 9, not a 9 year old.

Thanks. That's only slightly better as 14 is still under age.

Agree with this. My eldest is a lifeguard and needed a DBS check at 16 before she could start working.

This is a serious matter which needs addressing. The consequences could be awful for your son.

Why was his phone even on his desk in school hours ?

The ‘friend’ has been very foolish here. Let’s hope the parents of the Year 9 girl don’t report this to the police. I would. Someone in a position of trust doing online tutoring and then bam, a sexual message. Hardly a joke is it? In fact I would have already called the police.

I don't have a 14 year old daughter but would someone that age tell their parents if they got that message (followed up by an apology message and claim that the phone was stolen, which I'm sure he did)? I certainly wouldn't have done so when I was 14, but maybe times have changed ....

In regards to whether he did this or not, if you've only seen evidence of the message to the 14 year old then I think it's likely it was him. If similar messages have gone to other girls in his contacts then it makes it more likely his story of theft is true - he'd get a lot of heat/damage his reputation/risk getting into trouble if he sent messages to all his female contacts, so I think that's unlikely to be something he'd do himself.

You can easily 'flush out' the truth from him by telling him you will be going to the school/police regardless of his wishes. He knows it would ultimately come out if he was lying about the friend's involvement (and cause irreparable damage to his wider reputation), so at that point I expect he would confess the truth to you.

If he won't engage then you need to go over his head to the school. This is grounds for permanent exclusion, and I'm sorry but 'my mate nicked my phone' is up there with 'my dog ate my homework'. You may believe him but thousands won't.

He has a choice. Report it himself or you will.

I would be concerned it's him who has sent the message and that's why he's refusing to report. In this case you need to stress he either admits it's him or he reports himself.

You need a hard line on this.

Where is the phone now? If he still has possession of it, I would find his story even more dubious. A friend managed to take his phone, send inappropriate messages and then put it back on the desk without him seeing?

I think this shows he's not mature enough to be tutoring

No one leaves their phones unlocked and doesn't notice someone has taken it so he is lying aa well as being creepy. I bet he sent those messages.

You need to see the safeguarding person at school today and let them deal with this before the parents call the police.

The tutoring has been going on for “about a year” according to the OP so the girl was probably in Y8 when it began. If my son wanted to work as a tutor at the age of 16 to a very young girl I would be supporting him by checking all the details - including the contract with her parents and what topics he is paid to teach, his plans for each session and what adult supervision is in place regardless of whether the sessions are online or in person.

The OP’s casual attitude to the whole set-up is very concerning.

Of course they should know. Our dc would've told us stuff like this.

Don't strongly encourage him, you need to do it yourself. This is serious op.

Yeah its a stupid pass. Its not graphic, it wasnt a picture, its not asking her overtly or directly to do something, its not telling her he is doing something, its not asking her for photos or to describe anything. Its implied but is just a general 'do you want to go out, I fancy you' but in other words.

OP why you are minimising this?

He’s under 18 as you say - you are the adult - you need to take steps to deal with this. Go to the school asap. I would also contact the girl’s parents and explain.

God your bar is so low it’s on the floor 🙄. Hope you don’t have sons.