AIBU to make DS16 reports sexual messages sent from his phone?

[BusyJoker]

DS (year 12) has been tutoring a year 9 girl for about a year. He told me that someone stole his phone without his knowledge during sixth form today and started mass sending sexual messages to all the girls in his contacts on snapchat. One of the people that was messaged is the year 9 girl DS is tutoring saying something along the lines of "Do you want to hook up I'm horny." DS was friends with the person before the incident and the person did it as a "joke". I encouraged DS to inform his school about this situation but he is refusing to do so as he doesn't want to be seen as a snitch by others and is saying his friend did a joke that crossed the line. What should I do? What action will the sixth form take against the pupil likely if informed?

I was suspicious and asked him some questions. Apparently his phone was stolen during a lesson. They gained access as he left his phone unlocked on his desk and he's guessing he was distracted by talking to someone when it was taken. He says he doesn't know when exactly it was taken.

Have you asked him if he's prepared to take the rap for his friends actions? Does he not care about potential police involvement

Is there any way to prove that someone took it? Did anyone see someone take it?

Its not unreasonable to suspect he sent them and this is a made up story

But either way, even if its reported to police, they would probably just give him words of advice. If thats all the message was (if), its not really sufficiently threatening or sexual to be considered as 'sexual communication'.

Posters on here have completely unrealistic views about what will happen or what constitutes 'abuse' or abusive communication.

Well how would the school prove the friend sent the messages not ds did and is lying.

Or that DS sat by as the friend sent the messages as it happened so quickly/was a bit of a laugh ?
It's bollocks a teen who practically have their phones glued to their faces would not notice it missing, especially when packing up and moving between lessons. Sorry it sounds like they've done it together as bants and now he's shitting himself

So I'm not sure what school would do.
He obviously needs to message every girl saying I'm so sorry, blah blah

Obviously they won't believe him but perhaps it'll blow over for the older girls and he will suffer the social consequences of being seen as a lying perv!

As for the tutor girl I'm not sure. you probably need advise from the police? It will get ahead of it
She most likely will block him and tell her parents & report to police ? In which case he will be in trouble as it could be seen as sexual communication w/ a minor. And not to mention his profile on the tutor website will be pulled off

So how many girls of any age have received that message? Has he explained to any of them? Or do they all now think he’s a revolting creep as well as a paedophile? But he’s still not that bothered? What a lad!

He will absolutely get a criminal record if year 9 girl or her parents report this. Try and talk some sense into him about reporting his friend but if he is willing to take a career jeopardising police record over snitching then I would imagine perhaps he did send them himself after all.

I work in this area, what you are saying just isn’t the reality, these things are taken very seriously and pursued. There are real and potentially devastating consequences.

If he doesn’t report this one of the students may report it. Then he’s got some questions to answer. Coming clean will clear his name especially since a year nine pupil is involved.

The law focuses on when there's an imbalance of power. They wouldn't criminalise a 17yr old and a 15yr old but a 16yr old and 9yr old is very, very different. And with him being in a position of tutor, even more so, even if it's a casual job.

He needs to tell his “friend” to confess/turn himself in, or tell him he’ll do it for him.
He can’t be held responsible for this if he didn’t do it - it’s really serious.

Year 12 and year 9 not 9 year old.

She's 14

She’s Year 9, but 9 years old. Still serious though!

Year 12, not 12 years old. He's 16 or 17.

At the very least report it to the school and, if advised by them, to the police. If it's not a serious offence nobody is going to get into trouble. If it is serious does your son want to risk his future for his friend's 'joke'?

Please do the right thing and go to the police. Sending sex messages to a child whoever sends them is illegal and if he doesn’t go to the police himself first will probably find that his “ mate” denies all knowledge and he is held responsible.
I would at least expect an apology for the girl as she is probably very scared to receive such a message. I’m sure her parents will have already gone to the police so you can expect a visit.
Being so blasé about it doesn’t change the fact that this incident could well ruin his future so he needs to take it seriously and lose the “ oh yeah that” attitude

Jesus Christ. If this is real, then it isn’t up to you if the police are contacted or not is it? The girls parents may do that themselves - I certainly would. I wouldn’t be wasting time with telling the school. If you want to help your son then I’d make an urgent appointment with the school - he’s a minor so you have the responsibility - so it is recorded officially and then seriously consider reporting it to the police yourself. You’ve got no idea if the girl/s involved took screenshots etc.
I’ve got second hand experience of a remarkably similar experience my friends son found himself in. The only reason the police didn’t take it further was because he (backed by his parents) had reported it to various sources at the time it happened. The victim only reported it months later (not knowing the full truth because nobody actually acted on the info at the time) but luckily the fact he and his parents had been proactive at the time meant the police believed he had also been a victim. Could have ruined his life.

How will he prove it wasn’t him? And why hasnt he got his phone locked?

He could well end up in a lot of trouble.

Is there a reason you are brushing off the potential legal
implications?

Ah my mistake about the ages. I would still think he needs to report though if it's unsolicited messages and he's a tutor. When the police talk about not criminalising it's in the context of two teenagers in a healthy relationship, not this.

I’m shocked at your lack of motivation to act on this OP! Take control of this situation now before it blows right up in your face (well…your son’s face!)

I cannot believe how naive you’re being about this! 😵‍💫

OP I work in criminal justice with sexual and violent offending, if the girl or her family reports this I can assure you the police will take it seriously. You need to get ahead of this now.

And further to my earlier comment, quite apart from protecting himself, why not also make this a point of learning for him?
How do you think the very young girls involved in receiving this message feel? How do you think that might effect them now, and in future?
Right now he is ‘protecting’ the ‘friend’ that did this. Why?
He’s part of the misogynistic pyramid, at the base layer, propping up the men above him who do and say things regarding VAWG if he chooses to do nothing at all when he knows they are doing it. Males like this ‘friend’, rely completely on the silence of other males, like your son, to get away with this shit. And then males like your son can tell themselves they’re not the baddies cos they didn’t do it…..

This sounds fishy to me.

Does his phone not lock after 30 seconds or something? Why was it even on his desk in lessons?

You/he needs to report to the school immediately.
You need to explain to the girls parents and apologise. They may choose to take this seriously. However they seem appropriate. Are they both at the same school?

He is in a position of trust acting as someone's tutor. He should not be contacting her outside of contact with her parents.

How old is your DS? He could easily be 18 in September or still only 16 not and not 17 until August.

Who else received messages?

What does he propose doing to sort this?

Your son most likely did send the message sorry OP I've been in this situation too with my own DS so sending hugs.

The stolen phone story isn't going to work as the police have heard this all before and unless he has a concrete alibi and the phone was in a location he can't possibly have been then he's going to take the rap.

If in the very small chance he is being honest his friend certainly isn't going to come forward knowing your DS has hardly any chance of proving it was this friend.

I would be talking to DS and trying to get the whole truth using language like "we all make mistakes" etc to get him to open up. Don't go in hard or talk about police and serious consequences he won't open up if you go that route. It's better he come clean now and report himself than it be left for the girls parents to report it. He will be in trouble but his honesty will go a long way with the police. He's made a serious error in judgement but the age gap isn't too massive and hopefully this is the only message of it's kind unfortunately with my DS this wasn't the case.

Don't do what I did and refuse to entertain the idea DS is lying because if it gets as far as it did with my DS it's devastating if he finally caves in and admits he did send it.

Again I'm so sorry OP and I don't mean to sound goading or self righteous and I'm sorry if my post comes across that way but my own sad experience tells me the stolen phone and the wayward friend is exactly the route my DS went down and it's all just too convenient in hindsight. I really hope everything works out for you.