AIBU to be upset that preschool is not supporting potty training?

[If123]

Hi All,

am I being unreasonable to be upset/ put out by preschool being unsupportive with potty training daughter?

DD is 2.5 years and has just started preschool after Easter so has been going to the preschool for 3 weeks or so. We are also potty training which has started a week ago. She is doing really well at home and has had a few accidents to be expected but is doing well weeing on the potty. She is only going to preschool a couple of afternoons a week. Anyway when I’ve gone to pick her up from preschool I have been called into the office. They have said that she is not weeing on the potty at preschool and had a couple of accidents and they suggested putting her in pull up nappies. She had been in pull ups for months previously and not made any progress potty training. They said she had tried to run off while being changed and that it (having accidents) was disrupting her play time. I was quite upset because I felt this would confuse her and put back her progress. I have also seen the health visitor recently who agreed we should encourage her as much as possible and put her in normal pants to help her feel when she is wet. They have also been critical about her on other days saying she can’t drink from a cup properly and is very ‘busy’ and won’t sit still. AIBU to be upset and anoyed at the lack of support from preschool? Do they just not like her? It’s upset me they don’t seem to have a nice or supporting or encouraging thing to say.

We've just done toilet training and my daughter goes to preschool full time so it would be impossible to do it alone. Our preschool actually sent a message to all parents to offer their support now it's getting warmer and they have been great! She refused to use their toilet the first few days because it was unfamiliar but they said that was common and to just persevere. Two weeks in and she's had multiple accident free days! I would just say that you think she just needs to adjust to toilets outside of her house and won't do that if she wears pull ups. Otherwise I would buy a couple of pairs of those potty training pants that allow them to still feel wet but don't soak through but just tell her they're pants!

Potty training 3 weeks into starting nursery when she's likely still settling in is a bit bonkers. She's only been there 6 times with gaps in between so its not surprising she's not quite getting it there yet. I'd do no nappies at home, big wee before she goes and a pull up whilst she's there, ask them to encourage the potty every hour and immediatly before she leaves and remove pull up. After a month or so she'll be more settled and can try no nappy again. It honestly won't make a difference to her getting for such a short amount of time shes in them- she'll still get it eventually.

Agreed , I didn't "train " either of my kids they both just took to it and only had accidents if we couldn't make it to a toilet quickly (so my fault rather than theirs!).

I think your timing is a big part of the problem, starting potty training at a similar time to settling in to a new environment and to be honest it sounds like she is not quite ready to do so. Yes the staff should be supportive but you do have to be realistic as to how much one to one support and attention they can give and also how time consuming it is to be doing a bottom half clothes change regularly. Do not go back to pull ups but wait until you have the time to do it properly at home.

I agree with many of the posts on here, she's had too many changes to her normal life/routine in a short space of time.
When my youngest started preschool he was in pull-ups, showing no interest in the potty/toilet, they did 'toilet runs' at certain times of day (before snacks/meals, before storytime etc) and would take them all and encourage but not force him to use the toilet/potty. I decided to try during Easter holidays (he'd been there a full term) he got the hang of it by the end of the holidays and managed fine when he returned to preschool (although he had lots of spare clothes and a couple of emergency pull-ups in his bag)
Keep going at home but in pull-ups at preschool, it doesn't stop her from trying on the toilet and once she's settled into their routine she should be OK.

Our pre school were fantastic at supporting with potty training. I think your are being unreasonable.

I always feel very lucky that both my dc nurseries and pre schools were so supportive with potty training. They were happy to change nappies until they needed to and also fully cooperated and supported with potty training. Surely this is part of working in early years?

And here is the guidance from DfE on how early years settings, including preschools, should support with potty training.

https://help-for-early-years-providers.education.gov.uk/health-and-wellbeing/toilet-training

(Take a breather before you swear at people on the internet, it’s embarrassing).

Absolutely 👏🏻
some people don’t know what they’re talking about.

How does this make her unreasonable?

I don't, I her pre school are being unreasonable. I missed an S off yours.

I don't know how a preschool is different to a nursery but my daughter's nursery were great with potty training. I did a week at home and then sent her in with every pair of trousers she owned. The first few days were a disaster with constant accidents but they were happy to change her and said they were very used to it. They never suggested any backwards steps like pull-ups and clearly saw it as part of them caring for her.

That being said, I think waiting until she's fully settled at preschool would help.

When my kids were yoing you could not go to preschool without being potty trained.

You can't really expect school to potty train your daughter- they do not have staff or resources for this. Surely as the parent there are things which only you should be providing.

My DD went to nursery 2 afternoons at the same age, when toilet training started we sent her in ' big girl nickies' for encouragement, but I sent pull ups as well and just asked staff to swap to pull ups it there were 'accidents' it didn't disrupt toilet training and she was dry during the day within a month.

I’m very sorry you are feeling this way. I work in a pre-school and she is still very young and has just started. I would very much doubt they don’t like her or are trying to make their lives easier. Staff are very used to dealing with accidents, it’s just part of the job. If it’s a small pre-school, the staff get to know all the children very well and generally wouldn’t advise something unless they felt it was in the child’s best interests, that’s certainly the case where I work as we have a high staff to children ratio. Sometimes it can feel like a personal attack - I’ve been on the receiving end of pre-school advice with my own children - but with something like potty training, they are probably just thinking about what works best for your dd as that will be their priority, especially as she’s new. Some children can get upset if they have multiple accidents which can be upsetting for the child at times. If a child has regressed,we always check in with the parents to make them aware and find out how they would like us to proceed. This is generally a conversation with the parents rather than a direct request, as it can be a sensitive topic.

They are really busy helping all children and not just those who won't piddle in a toilet. Your responsibility, not theirs so stop suggesting otherwise. If you've worked in a school, nursery environment e.g. and should just deal with children but somehow parents are completely horrible entitled twats. And wonder why their children are so. Not all parents but...

Why have you put her in pre-school? Is it to socialise? If that’s all keep her off for a couple of weeks and get her properly trained. It’s hard for her and them with two afternoons being different. Never met a 2..5 year old who likes being still, that’s normal. Are you sure this is where you want her to go?

What a naive thing to say. Obviously at pre school they have to continue with what’s being done at home. My daughter’s nursery was extremely proactive about toilet training and totally saw it as ‘their job’ as much as mine.

It isn't naive.
Plenty of pre-schools don't accept children who aren't potty / toilet trained.

I think what is very naive is putting a child into a new childcare setting for a few hours a week and then very shortly afterwards deciding to potty training them. The child isn't going to be comfortable enough around the childcare providers and its all still shiny and new so she'll get distracted.

In an ideal world I’d say that they absolutely should be trying to replicate what you are doing at home. But nursery settings will differ in terms of how much work they are prepared to put in to supporting toilet training and it really does come down to the quality and child centredness of the establishment and the staff. I’m not buying that they are too busy. When my LG was in the 2-3 room of her private nursery, almost all the kids were at various stages of toilet training and it was just part of the routine in there- prompting or taking each child to the toilet on a half-hourly basis. It was one member of staffs constant job each day! It was invaluable how supportive and proactive they were.
It sounds like this preschool might not be a good fit for you and DD and that they are very negative. I don’t know many 2.5 year olds who do sit still much, and using an open cup is certainly variable at that age. If you want a more individualised, child centred service you need a different setting. Or take the child out and bring them back when toilet trained if they aren’t going to be supportive.

If a pre school wants to specify that they don’t take children who aren’t toilet trained then that’s one thing, and that’s fine, as long as they are clear. But the OP didn’t say that was the case with this pre school, unless I’ve misunderstood. Or unless the OP is misrepresenting the situation and told the school dd was toilet trained when she wasn’t.
What they can’t do is take in children who are clearly of toilet training age, without specifying that they should be trained already, and then be lazy or half-assed about supporting the parents efforts.

You dont start pre school in Scotland till about 3.5 at the earlyist till 4.5 years. They are still babies at 2.5.

They sound useless. Any other options near you?

OP, kindly, I think people send their potty training children to preschool, perhaps not realising that they're actually expecting the staff to potty train their child for them. As you know, it's not an easy task and it doesn't happen overnight, and you simply can't expect them to do it for you.

I know a lot of parents who potty-trained during school holidays so that they were ready once they went back to preschool.