AIBU to be upset that preschool is not supporting potty training?

[If123]

Hi All,

am I being unreasonable to be upset/ put out by preschool being unsupportive with potty training daughter?

DD is 2.5 years and has just started preschool after Easter so has been going to the preschool for 3 weeks or so. We are also potty training which has started a week ago. She is doing really well at home and has had a few accidents to be expected but is doing well weeing on the potty. She is only going to preschool a couple of afternoons a week. Anyway when I’ve gone to pick her up from preschool I have been called into the office. They have said that she is not weeing on the potty at preschool and had a couple of accidents and they suggested putting her in pull up nappies. She had been in pull ups for months previously and not made any progress potty training. They said she had tried to run off while being changed and that it (having accidents) was disrupting her play time. I was quite upset because I felt this would confuse her and put back her progress. I have also seen the health visitor recently who agreed we should encourage her as much as possible and put her in normal pants to help her feel when she is wet. They have also been critical about her on other days saying she can’t drink from a cup properly and is very ‘busy’ and won’t sit still. AIBU to be upset and anoyed at the lack of support from preschool? Do they just not like her? It’s upset me they don’t seem to have a nice or supporting or encouraging thing to say.

I’m a teacher, both mine were in nursery from 8 months. However I waited to potty train until I was off work. My first we did in the summer holidays at 2.5 years. My second didn’t take to it until she was 2 years 10 months in the 2nd week of Christmas holidays (after 4 previous failed attempts). I think they need to be completely done at home (ideally) before returning to preschool. My youngest has now been trained since late December and never had an accident at nursery.
It seems they have tried but with no successes in the first week and her refusing to sit on the potty I can see why they have suggested pull ups. Maybe not ‘out of the house’ trained yet.

I think starting potty training 2 weeks after starting nursery is too much. Is she term time only? I would wait until summer

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to be upset about them ‘not helping’

But unfortunately you’ve picked a very bad time to start this. Your DD is now going through two big transitions at once. Starting a preschool and potty training.

Im not sure they are being completely unreasonable though…

It’s normal for children to do better at home with Potty training first where there are less distractions and more adult attention to pick up on cues. The preschool should be used to this, but it’s a lot to handle suddenly.

The preschool don’t really know her fully yet and will be getting her used to routines, this transition will take a bit longer to fully embed with only 2 afternoons a week.
and now you’ve thrown another big change on top.

So advice to practically move forward:

• Remove the emotion from this, they don’t hate your child (highly unlikely) and are most likely trying their best.
• Dont stop potty training at home, don’t derail the progress you’ve made.
• Meet again with the preschool with a level non emotional head. Explain clearly the progress made at home and ask them for other ways to support.
• Say you are keen to keep going as DD doing well at home and you recognise with hindsight that maybe she is struggling as still transitioning to preschool and getting used to it.
• Be prepared to compromise, rather than a disposable pull up, what about semi-absorbent training pants for example?

I haven’t read all other posts so I hope this offers something helpful and useful.

Preschool vs nursery makes no difference to ratio: both should have a minimum of 1 adult to 5 children. At 2.5 I am surprised they are not used to supporting with potty training - we would absolutely help and I’m in a school setting.

The ratios are the same.
How do you establish is a child has Special Educational Needs before they start education?

Of course we can do both. I started potty training during a week we both had off, sent him back to nursery fully potty trained.
I'm his parent, it's our job.

But a preschool that caters for 2-4 year olds is actually NOT different from a PVI nursery and ALL EYFS settings follow the same ratio rules regardless. It’s a statutory requirement.

This setting has been referred to as a pre-school not a school based nursery.

Most school based nurseries take 3 years and up. The only difference in ratio would be if there is a Teacher with QTS or EYTS then the 1:13 ratio could apply for 3-4 year olds. But, this child is 2. There is no difference in ratios on that basis it is 1:5 everywhere for 2-3 year olds.

In PVI settings they are frequently called nurseries, preschools or playgroups interchangeably. It can due to the age ranges they take eg preschools tend to be 2-4 years in one mixed room. Whereas day nurseries are more often 0-4, and in separate rooms or some ages mixed depending.

There is no rational difference in the idea that a preschool taking children from the age of 2 should not be supporting potty training just because they are labelled as a ‘preschool’. If they take 2 year olds it’s to be expected.

But the timing is not great as noted in my other comment.

Are you that ignorant that you think all children can potty train in a week? A specific week of your choosing too?
One of mine was done in a day, no accidents. The other two took a lot longer.

With a qualified teacher the ratio is 1:13, with a level 3 teaching assistant it's 1:8.

Edit: Just realised this is 2.5 year olds, sorry.

The nursery should be supporting potty training. All of the nurseries I have worked in have done that - it is part of the curriculum! They are meant to be supporting whatever potty training you are doing at home to maintain continuity. I wouldn’t be impressed with the place.

Yes - not many 2.5 year olds can sit still! All this sounds normal.

Going back to pull ups would be a step in the wrong direction. However, you can also try absorbent pants or even reusable nappies for the wet feeling. It might make the mess a little better.

Another point - maybe bring into pre-school her own potty to use (if you don’t already), sometimes this makes it less daunting to use something familiar. I know with my little one she is scared of things like hand-dryers and this might also be a reason why your daughter isn’t keen on going to the toilet. Worth investigating.

Fingers crossed.

We tried dd when she was 27 months old as it was the summer holidays (she was term times only two days in nursery) and she did ok at home but I don’t think she was ready. I was rushing at I was due with baby no2 the following month. As soon as she went back to nursery she went backwards. She seemed scared of the big toilets/toilet area and didn’t feel comfortable using them so she refused to use them so we left it all and decided to wait till the next school holiday which was October. She nailed it at home within three days and went back to nursery no problem, not one accident. I think she just needed those extra couple of months.
Starting preschool is a big change so I would have maybe waited longer till this new routine was her norm before introducing potty training. I’m now a firm believer in you’ll know when they’re ready as it just clicks as both my dds have similar experiences of nailing it within days at a time they were ready. They’re all different though!

I also took in her My Carry Potty to begin with as she used to this at home which I think helped.

The 1:13 ratio can apply in ANY type of setting that has a qualified teacher (QTS or EYTS)

A school based nursery is more likely to have a teacher of course. But some PVIs do.

However the point is totally moot, because the 1:13 ratio is only for 3-4 year olds.

The op’s child is 2. The ratio is 1:5 regardless of type of setting.

And I believe this is what they mean by ‘Fucking Entitlement’ ladies and gentlemen

Ds preschool were brilliant when potty training, they just asked us to put spare clothes in his bag.

I’d find a new nursery. Both my kids were well supported by that age trying to potty train. It’s easier for staff if the children are out of nappies so it’s in everyone’s interest to encourage it.

^ good idea .

If a child is ready they will be done in a few days. Week tops. And no accidents

sounds like your dd isn’t ready yet. And that’s fine as she’s 2.5

a nursery /pre school will usually try and support a pt child /parent but if she is running off /having accidents then she isn’t ready

and to start when she’s just stated pre school isn’t helpful as 2 big changes

This is pre school not nursery though . Our pre school wouldn't take kids until they were potty trained . They haven't the time to potty train children and shouldn't have to.

This is a good suggestion.

re the complaints from preschool - is she new to preschool / daycare etc?

my DD only goes 2 mornings a week to nursery and she loves it. She’s only been there a few weeks. So of course she is excited and busy and doesn’t always listen. But it takes time for them to learn the routines, especially when they’re not in everyday.

To me, it sounds like they are being a little too impatient too soon. Try to find a way to work with them

Which is what I wrote in my edited post.

Same here, a few years back (obviously medical/need exception), though one parents said they had to take them. I don't know how far she got arguing that, or whether it is the law.

It doesn't matter what they call it, if they have children that age they need to be supporting potty training. Or, make being solid on it a precondition of admitting them, which will mean a fair number may not be eligible. It sounds like they are trying to have it both ways.

I don't think this is true for all or even most kids. And it's advice that causes many parents to put it off until it's actually much more difficult.

The staffing levels and curriculum are the same. They have the same level of time that private nursery's have.

Since she's only there for a short time and a couple of days, I don't think pull ups will be that much of a setback if you're consistent the rest of the time. I'm sure she will get there quickly, but it's unfair on her and the teachers to have were getting wet and needing to be fully changed if she's not actually using the potty.