AIBU to be upset that preschool is not supporting potty training?

[If123]

Hi All,

am I being unreasonable to be upset/ put out by preschool being unsupportive with potty training daughter?

DD is 2.5 years and has just started preschool after Easter so has been going to the preschool for 3 weeks or so. We are also potty training which has started a week ago. She is doing really well at home and has had a few accidents to be expected but is doing well weeing on the potty. She is only going to preschool a couple of afternoons a week. Anyway when I’ve gone to pick her up from preschool I have been called into the office. They have said that she is not weeing on the potty at preschool and had a couple of accidents and they suggested putting her in pull up nappies. She had been in pull ups for months previously and not made any progress potty training. They said she had tried to run off while being changed and that it (having accidents) was disrupting her play time. I was quite upset because I felt this would confuse her and put back her progress. I have also seen the health visitor recently who agreed we should encourage her as much as possible and put her in normal pants to help her feel when she is wet. They have also been critical about her on other days saying she can’t drink from a cup properly and is very ‘busy’ and won’t sit still. AIBU to be upset and anoyed at the lack of support from preschool? Do they just not like her? It’s upset me they don’t seem to have a nice or supporting or encouraging thing to say.

I think you've started at the wrong time. Starting pre school and potty training within a couple of weeks of each other, could be too much change at once.

She might not feel comfortable or confident enough to ask to sit on the potty at pre school.

Also there will be so many things to do to distract her, that she'll be too busy having fun to realise she needs a wee.

Unfortunately the pre school havent got the time or the staff to be asking her every few minutes or to watch her sitting on a potty for however long it takes, like you have at home.

Give her more time to get used to pre school before you start using a potty there.

That was the same for r the pre-schools in our area.

I agree with others. If you want her tonstay at the pre-school.go with their flow. She's only 2.5 and pull ups for a cpuple of short sessions aren't a deal breaker.

IME Health Visitors are not always attuned to the needs of parents and varying circumstances. Does yours actually have children, or is her knowledge based on theory?

At 2.5y my first two were in a private nursery who 100% supported toilet learning/training. They had loads of accidents in the early days. I agree pull-ups are a step backwards.
also -she can’t sit still ?! She’s only two for gods sake. This doesn’t seem like a nice supportive environment at all. I would consider withdrawing my child and find somewhere with a supportive Montessori approach.

You should potty train when you have a clear time period to do this. Mine were both dry morning and night within a couple weeks. It’s not the schools job to do it.

They never did help with toilet training. Children shouldn’t be in pre/school so young. The people who decide in these things never worked in a preschoolers classroom.
In Ireland they used to start at 3.5, now it’s younger, staff are leaving at an alarming rate, they didn’t train to wipe up poop and urine all day, changing spoiled underwear, crèche is obviously different.

It is the parents job. The same as it's a parent's job to teach to wash, dress, use cutlery, ride a bike, learn safety crossing a road. If you carnt be bothered to do these let's face it very basic things as a parent then don't be one. And yes I worked and potty trained all my kids, it's basic parenting.

Any preschool that accepts two year olds (and three, and four) is going to have to also accept accidents.

MN is frustrating on this issue. Time and again horror is expressed at children starting school in nappies. Yet when a parent tries to potty train and tries to have consistency across school and nursery she’s curtly told it’s not the preschools job. It isn’t, but they can and tbh should be supporting what’s happening at home.

My DD is three in July and she is reliable for wee but still has fairly regular soiled accidents. Her brother was exactly the same. If I had kept them in pull ups they would actually have been starting school in nappies! Luckily our nursery helped rather than hindered.

Aside from the potty training side of things, it sounds like you've got instinct something isn't right for her there and I'd listen to that - not necessarily reacting too strongly immediately but keeping that in mind and being on the lookout

As I said, stupid...
The parent is training her, she's dry at home. Pre-school need to do their part whilst the child is there.

I mean, to put it another way, someone gave the example of it being the parents job to teach a child to use cutlery. It is; agreed. But I would not expect a nursery or preschool to not give my child a knife and fork on the basis that I should have taught her. She can’t use what isn’t there!

I agree that it’s too much change all at once and I’d pick one or the other. Doesn’t sound like you need preschool for childcare so I’d pull her out for a month, sort the toilet training and try again. You can’t expect a preschool setting to manage multiple accidents in a few hours of care.

I’m slightly confused at the people here suggesting pre-school shouldn’t be helping? I’ve been a teacher in school Nurseries, which is what I think we are meaning here by “pre-school”? It is ABSOLUTELY their job to support toilet training. There is no difference with this and private nurseries.

However, I note you mention she only goes a couple of afternoons per week? I would not expect a child that doesn’t really know the adults to be too happy being changed. Many children take time to warm up enough to let staff change them or even use the nursery facilities.

It's not stupid. It's pre school not private nursery. If she wants this kind of interaction she should put her child in a nursery

Take a week off, get her potty trained and then send her back.

Of course they should support but if she isn't cooperating and is having multiple accidents in an afternoon then it is difficult to manage in a group setting.

Take her out, finish potty training over the summer, put her in a different one. Maybe a forest preschool or one that's a bit more free range feeling

Could it be that you've started pre school a little early? At ours they start the term after they turn three.

A nursery might be better for them, pre school has different ways of working. We were massively supported in this with our 2 yo at nursery but wouldn’t have expected the same support at preschool which is for kids that are just ready to go into school (so should be potty trained)

I left my youngest in pull ups until she was 2 and a half, I was worried but had great advice from a GP who had 5 of her own kids. She said to leave her to it and it would work out.
Lo and behold when reading her a story one night, she took off her pull up, never wet the bed and took herself off to the toilet from the next day when needed. I had gone through so much drama with my eldest trying to do all the baby’s book advice and with my second it was such a walk in the park with no fuss.
I think you need to let your child take the lead, there are no timeframes as such, be relaxed and your little one will sort it (obviously if not not in a couple of years or so you’ll have to step in!
Children will look at what each other are doing and will copy their peers. I know it’s hard not to worry but they will learn and do the right thing. Kids also develop at different rates. Best of luck. 🤗

You have put two huge life changing things for her within the space of 3 weeks
starting preschool and then immediately potty training
that’s why it’s going wrong.

plus, she hardly knows the staff yet.
youre expecting too much from a 2 year old, sorry.

we waited and potty trained my son late deliberately because we had a baby on the way. When the baby was 6 months old, we successfully potty trained.
i will also add my son was in preschool and they were 100% supportive. By that time, he had been there for 8 months so knew them.

Pre school is not the same as nursery though. There is a different staffing ration for a start.
We take children into our school nursery from their 3rd birthday, or when they are toilet trained, whichever is later. If there’s SEN, then we deal with that accordingly. However, we do not toilet train the children.

They sound lazy. Our nursery always supported our kids with potty training and I’m assuming their ratios would be no different. That’s why you send in spare clothes, so they can clean up if they have an accident

To be honest I think it's possibly a mistake to potty train so soon after starting pre school. When i potty trained my 2 I tried to get as long a block of time at home as possible, using bank hols and annual leave. Is she getting it well at home?

We always potty trained in the holidays so they went back with a good grasp of it.

Tbf it’s not their job to potty train her, if you knew she was going this should’ve been done before she started. Plus starting preschool and potty training is an awful lot of change for her to cope with at once. This just seems like the fallout of poor and lazy parenting decisions and it’s not fair on her or them.

When she’s on school holidays you need to spend a week at home and just get potty training done, send her in pull-ups until then.